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Saturday, February 25, 2017

Just wow.
I am dumbfounded. I don't know what to say.

It's a mixture of annoyance, anger, irritation. Melancholy?

So before, I used to have a few principles that I kept to myself.
And I did keep it, I stand firmly on my core principles, until 2010 - 2016 where I had a major breakout. I was wild, my attitude and habits were so bad.

I associated and even dated with people who don't have the same core principles as mine.

In simpler words, I was wild.
And I lived in a depressed, narrow, negative world.

This year, I came to seek for inner peace, realizing that my life could either be meaningless or meaningful.
Thus, I want that life, I know I could do better.
Which is why I ended the most recent relationship that I had.
I want to cut off all connections, all people that can be my stumbling block.
I want to remain on fire, and bad associations will cause that fire to cease to burn or shine.

It's funny when someone who claims to care about you doesn't support your spiritual growth.
He just wanted you for his own benefits because he is self-centered.
He doesn't care about you, in fact he just wants to maintain his pride, he wants to avoid feeling lonely and he needs someone to boast his self-esteem.
You're just his trophy and he only cares for his feelings.

Just because I have moved on from that relationship, doesn't mean it's because I want to be with someone else.
Come on, am I that too shallow?
Is it too hard to believe that I left because I wanted to do what's best for me?
Is it too hard to understand the way I think?

I was being so kind. Not to boast, but I showed my kindness, my goodness, my mild temperedness, my empathy. 
I didn't leave the relationship just like that.
Instead, I gave explanations for like 100 times and he still doesn't get it.
You CAN'T force someone to change her religion just because you want her to be with you.
You can't do that. It's pure selfish.

My religion is based on what I extremely BELIEVE.
I did not love this religion just because my parents believed in it. Or because I wanted to follow someone else. No.
I believe because I have done ample of researches, I have experienced and tasted a lot of miracles and goodness that people can't possibly comprehend.

It's like asking someone what a banana tastes like. Is it sweet? Sour? A little bit bitter?
You can't describe the taste of something to someone. But instead, that someone should try it themselves and that's when they will know.
It's the same with my belief, you might be skeptical and think that I am just a hypocrite, thinking that I am just too immersed in absurdity. 
But ONLY IF you could see what I could see. If only you could feel what I could feel.

Religion is not something shallow.
You don't change your religion just because of your LOVE towards the human.
The very first love you must have is love with God.
If you know your God, if you LOVE Him wholeheartedly, you will put Him first before anyone else.

I never think of being superior. At all.
It's just that once I firmly believe in something, I'm gonna hold it, not gonna let go, not even if my hands are gonna bleed.
It's how firm I am right now.

I started to ignore things and found the inner peace of just being with myself.

But still, it's dumbfounding how you expect more from someone who claimed to know you, and they proved to be otherwise.
Now, I'm like, that's it. I know it's not going to be easy peasy, but one day I will thank myself for this.

When you're single and you're free from these people, you can just focus on yourself.
Before, I tend to put others first before me.
So from now on, I can just think about improving myself.

This post is not intended to hurt people, to judge people, or to harbor negative thoughts.
But this post is published simply because I've been keeping these stuffs for quite a while now, and I feel like sharing some of the lessons that I've learned in life.

I also wanted to share that just because someone has faith in something you can't understand, 
it doesn't mean that they are hypocrite, bigoted, or too pious. 
You can't judge them,

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Remove people.

In life, it is necessary to remove certain people from your life for good.
Because these certain people may stunt your spiritual growth.
They will judge you, and they will make you feel down, and bring you down together with them.

I just want to say that you don't have to deal with people like these anymore.
I know, most of the time it's not easy to instantly remove them, but keep trying hard as the end result is what matters.

I am saying this based on my own experience and experiences of others.

There are some people that I encounter, that expect me to drink, go to club, and smoke.
Just because I'm a cool person doesn't mean I practice all those stuffs [nah jk not cool at all haha].

What I wanted to say it, people who once knew you will not easily accept the fact that you've grown up, not yet matured, but at least grew a little.
I grow up, and I started to learn things that benefit me and that will not. Things that will please God and things that will not.
I've left my old personalities, I'm gonna cloth myself with a new one. And I am still building it right now.
That is why, I'm gonna have to leave some people, to achieve what really matters in life.
To achieve the purpose of a living.

I have never expressed these feelings written in this post and previous post. Because no one could understand what I want to really say. Not even myself.
Again, I want to go back to my hometown because I have a strong foundation there.
But I also want to improve myself, I want to meet brothers and sisters that can encourage and support me along the way, but I am also gonna have to work hard on being socially comfortable with people that I just met.
I have to learn to open up, be free, and enjoy good associations.
All these, in order to be achieved, need to be driven by hard work, determination, and being zealous.

I want to be around people that can encourage me, instead of people that are filled with negativities.
Again, I have to push my social boundaries.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Wednesday, February 15, 2017
What I really wanna do in life

Okay I'm just gonna get down to this a real bit quick because I have a flu and I just swallowed 10 mL of expectorant and 4 other pills, and I'm gonna get drowsy in 5 minutes.

I wanna talk about my path in life.
If I were to not think about other people, I would've had long ago pursue another path that is less intimidating and less exposure to wordly people.
I've came to realise this when I saw my sister, I saw how she doesn't want to pursue higher education, and she doesn't want to work with the government/other jobs that can prevent her from serving God.
I, too, wanted that. But I also thought about how my action will affect other people.
And I thought that I wouldn't be able to help people if I'm in a place where I can only pay for my own expenses.

It's a sad world where you have to go around a never ending circle. The circle is breakable, but you don't dare or you can't because there are people who need your help.
The circle includes being born, study, study, further studies, PhD, work, and die.

It's a sad circle in a sad world.

I really wanted to break that circle. If possible, I don't want to continue my degree any further.
Despite my latest outstanding result for the third semester.
Having an outstanding result from standardized tests/exams/labs doesn't measure your actual [i repeat, ACTUAL] mental ability.

I don't see any reason why I should further my studies, sign the contract, finish my degree next year, and continue to work for a big reputable company for three years.
But I did. And I can't turn back time. Even if I could, I would still be thinking about those people that need my help.

When I saw my sister, what she does for a living, and how she pursue even more on spiritual goals than materialistic goals, I was a little bit envy [a positive envy, of course].
Because I knew I wouldn't be able to do that.

Her job is not stressful at all. She has a peace of mind, wise elders and friends that keep on encouraging her to pursue spiritual needs.
She has time to reflect, time for God, time to research for the Bible [which is what I want to do so badly], time for herself, time for family, and far from worldly people who can harm that bubble of peace.

If it's possible, I want to stop studying right now.
I don't want to pursue higher education that you can only bring to death, but NOT to God's Kingdom.
I don't wanna live a meaningless, sad life.

I know people tend to judge me based on my past, so they wanted to say that I can't exactly preach or say anything about spiritual things, about God, about Bible.

I just wanted to say that according to Proverbs 24:16, 
"For the righteous one may fall seven times, and he will get up again".

It doesn't matter how many times I make mistakes in the past, also in the present, and in the future,
what matters is my effort, and how I stand back up again, never giving up.
I think that's what important.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Monday, November 14, 2016
Update of the year 2016

[since I'll only be blogging once a year. lol jk]

The great news is? I survived these past few weeks. Damn, it has been crazy for me.
It's only Midterm Examination but it already took four weeks.

First highlight is, I colored my hair and I chose the mixture of red and pink because I fancy them.
Too bad, this was months ago, and my current hair is somewhat bronze colored.

Only that, adults tend to judge young people based on their appearances.
If you color your hair, they'll think that "Oh this kid is a rebel"
You walk around with a colored hair, "Oh this kid does drugs, does not attend classes, and stupid"

These kind of judgments are so stupid and beyond all, they are so not true.

The other day, I went to the main office [I don't wanna say specifically its name] and so I was with my friend.
There was this woman then passed us, and she knew my friend. So she said, "Tell your friend to change back her hair color. Is she even a student?"
On the exact same day, another dude [with whatever badge he got] told me to change my hair color to NORMAL color.
It was in a super offensive tone, and I hate people like those that are super narrow-minded.
The way they look at me was the way you look at something disgusting.

I also realized that I got more sexually harassed when my hair is colored.
Why people love to discriminate just because someone likes something that they don't?

You see, most of the criminals have BLACK hair. 
Can you say that they are good people just because their hair is black?
Then what about natural red-headed? Are you saying they are dumb and abnormal?
I don't understand most Malaysians. Seriously.

Next update, I got the residency inside the campus!
Goodbye over expensive rent~

[Behind me is my locker]

Fourth update : I found Lang Leav to be sooooooo mainstream.
I have to admit that I hate mainstream stuffs.

 [This is sweet but in my humble opinion, the poems are not that attractive anymore]

Fifth update :
Lab from Tuesday to Friday and sometimes from Saturday to Sunday, and sometimes got extended until night.
Yes, and some people still wonder if I am that busy :D


Taking pictures is the only thing we can do leisurely in the lab..

[Just me doing my shhhhhhhhhhhh]

In that lab, we were working with mutagenic chemicals.
In fact, in that picture I was loading the dye that contains Ethidium Bromide.. which can cause mutations.
So if you hate me and you want to sound educated while talking to me, just say "I hope you got mutated by Ethidium Bromide!!"

[with a tiny bit of screaming on the way uphill]

With my small circle of friends

[This picture does not do the hill justice]

Not-sure-if-this-is-still-an-update Update : The Biotech Night Dinner last April

Next is Biotech Family Day 2016!!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand this is what my hair color is turning to be right now.

Last but not least, I just wanna share this here.
I never told people about this, except for my family and some of my coursemates that knew by accident.

The thing is, I don't wanna brag. I don't wanna tell people that I am in the Dean's list for two consecutive semesters. I am not the type to brag.
And mainly it's because this is still far from what I wanted to achieve.

I want a First Class Degree for six semesters. This has only been two semesters.
So maybe when I have achieved it, I will share my happiness publicly.
But as for now, I am still not satisfied.
I don't wanna sound ungrateful, but I just wanna achieve something bigger.

But of course, I am SUPER HAPPY for this.
Because I worked hard for this and I deserve this.

The thing is, in university, you tend to deal with real life problems.
Not the typical heartbroken problems.
Studying while doing assignments while doing presentation while doing lab reports ain't easy.
Even getting 3.5 is hard. 
So I can't say that I'm not proud of myself for achieving more than 3.5

Work hard in silence.
Just like a swimming swan. 
On the outside, a swimming swan looks so peaceful and calm. 
But on the inside, its legs are doing all the hard works trying to stay afloat.

So.... that's all for the update this year.
It's November, and I probably won't have time to update on December since we have Final Examination that month.
So... See you next year!! :D

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Tuesday, July 5, 2016
The inevitable stage of Blogger

This post is inspired by Bubz' video about the inevitable stage on YouTube.
That video made me realized about my blog too that I have left abandoned.

A long time ago, I started to blog when I was 12 years old which is eight years ago.
To be honest, the very first reason for me to blog was to share my feelings. Over time, blogging became very important to me. I started to share things in my life. I shared moments that I wish to cherish and I hoped my grandgrandgrandchildren will be able to read.
Blogging was just my lazy way to write a journal of my life. Instead of writing using a pen, I wrote using a laptop. 

For a starter, it was just something so random that I did. But now, when I think about it, I am very glad that I ever started to blog. For if it wasn't for this blog, I couldn't even look back to the person that I was before.

I admit that I've changed. There are many aspects of my life that I have changed over years, including my character. One thing that did not change about me is that I still did not favor people filled with stupidity and grammatical errors, plus rudeness. Before, I was very determined to make people see what wrong is wrong and what right is right, hence I blogged for awareness. 

But this year, something happened. Life happened. My "Talking about my life" slogan has became less relevant because I started to grow and became more private. Many people who read my blog and stalked all the way thought they knew me just because they read stories that I chose to share, the side of me that I chose to show. In conclusion, they thought they knew me more than I knew myself. I've had many comments from anonymous saying "You've changed dramatically", as if they knew me at all. They expect me to be the person they wanted me to be, hence the comments.

Many incidents occurred during my about EIGHT years of blogging, Sure, the amount of my viewers/readers increased on average of 10 people per day. Some people told me to keep it up, some people told me to delete my blog because it offended them. I didn't care, because it was not my fcking problem. 

However, as I grew older, I have more responsibilities. I don't even have the time to blog, and I don't even make time for it. For example, I chose to do laboratory reports rather than blogging. And trust me, our laboratory reports must be done individually and they were not that easy. My time has became limited and therefore, I invested most of my time on my real life rather than on my cyber life.
As time passes by, I realized that I wanted to be a private person because people wanted to use my blog to judge me. You know, people love to talk things that they don't know. They wanted to have stories to chit chat about while they are hanging out or drinking.

I am no longer that person who invested 100% of my time blogging because it is lifeless.

A long time ago back when I was in my adolescent years, me and my friends used to gang up and bash on people on Facebook. I still remember how we bashed that "Penyet" group and when I looked back, it was so hilarious and so funny. Me bashing on people who used my picture and captioned it as theirs, people who used my blog's URL for their own reasons, and et cetera. However, I am no longer that person who loves to pick fights online because I grew up, I have way better things to do and focus on now, and I am honestly very happy and at peace. In fact, I feel very blessed.

It's like there's a lump of gold ahead of me and there are lots of pebbles behind me. Of course I would run towards the gold ahead instead of being stuck with the pebbles. What I wanted to say is, why focus on the small little worthless things if you can focus on a bigger mandatory thing? Why stay stuck in the past whilst your future is so promising? I no longer dwell on the past, and shame on those who still do.

I've almost spent about 7 years on blogging about stories on my life. I loved talking about myself and I guess it just won't be online anymore. I will talk about my life face-to-face, and not virtually write journals about it. My priorities years ago have shifted to new priorities. I eventually became less invested in this blog and this is the inevitable stage of Blogger. You see, many bloggers that I love have stopped blogging [or they blogged less frequently] and that includes Xiaxue.

This doesn't mean that I will stop blogging. This just means that I will only be blogging about positivity and highlights of my year.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Wednesday, March 9, 2016
Finally, a post. Whew

So I'm currently at my second semester.
The result for the first semester is pretty good but it's still not enough for me.
I have to achieve more!!

Which is why I've been stressing myself out lately.
I'm too busy with lifeeeeeeeeee. Damn it.
Right now I have four assignments, two lab reports and I need to study.
How can I even have the time to breathe right now?

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Tuesday, February 2, 2016
Short trip to Run-Now with BABES

A few days ago I went to Ranau for a three days two nights trip with my friends.
I came to realise that true friends will accept your flaws and they don't flashback your past mistakes just so they can hate you. True friends don't do that.
And actually I've got to be honest that I am very grateful that there are no "toxic" people in this trip, or else the trip is gonna turn into a disaster.
Very much to my delight, we had a BLAST. It was fun and surely they are going to be my travelling friends next time.

Jadi boleh dikatakan satu Ranau sudah kami round, except for Desa Dairy Farm because we don't have that much time and we've already been there before.

Soooooo, I am going to flood this post with pictures.
Trust me, there were 2,000++ pictures of us and below are my favourites.

[This picture is my favourite!]

I don't really favor being near those fishes because Reason #1 I have a phobia of ocean and Reason #2 I am scared of the fishes' eyes.
However, I managed to overcome my fear.....
Plus the fear of height. We walked through four SUPER HIGH hanging bridges and the hanging bridges are not just normal bridges. I don't know how to explain this. Let's just say it's narrow and scary.
They looked vulnerable as if they could break down that easily.
When I looked down, I realised I was like seriously 3000 metres from ground but there was no turning back and I unconsciously partially screamed "I WANT TO TURN BACK! TAKE MY MONEY!!".
Okay I was annoying. I get it. Fine.

Attempts on being sexy.

It's not like I'm being soft. It's just that I have very soft feet. Trust me.
One time, I walked around the river with barefeet and I ended up having tiny rocks inside my outer skin. I know, eww. And then I have to use a nail clipper to take them all out.

[I still can't get over this majestic waterfall]

Let me tell you a little secret.
I have problems with balancing my body, hence, I cannot ride a bicycle too.
I tried so many times but ended up injuring myself.
In that photo, saya duduk di siring paha si Dane to make me float. HAHAHA.

[Sebuah debola yang bedebah]

Ever since going to this trip, my appetite to eat had increased from 0 to 1000000.
And it has still been going on until right now.
Although before going to the trip, I have achieved my goal which is to lose weight until 44KG.
Yes, a week ago, I was 44KG but I'm not sure about my weight right now.

[Do you know who he is?]

[This picture was taken when I was in a bus going back to Keningau. Whose head is that HAHA]

I also learned that in order to not have negative vibes, you need to have positive vibes.
In order to have positive vibes, you need to be with the right crowd for you.
A crowd that doesn't require you to fit in. You just click with each other.
It's not wrong to want to have positive vibes and avoid people who have negative vibes.

Well, I've got to say that I am not the person who can get along easily with new people.
I don't get too close with new people. I always make sure that there's still a barrier between me and new people so that I am comfortable.
That's why I only want to keep few close friends around me. Friends who I know won't silently judge me and won't claim that they knew me too well.

Anyway, I am going to be 20 years old soon.
I just have this crazy idea that I wanted to try ALL kind of stuffs before turning 20.
Growing old means more responsibility. And while I'm not fully grown yet, I have to have lots of fun.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Tuesday, December 1, 2015
people who are meant to be in your life, will always gravitate back to you

"The best things in life are unexpected because there are no expectations"

*I actually drafted this post like weeks ago, and only tonight I have the time to publish this*

So at first, I applied scholarship.
At first, I was feeling very down because I heard they are only choosing 10 people out of 60 candidates.
I was quite intimidated by those smart students from Chemical Engineering, Mechanical Engineering and even from our course, Biotechnology.
But I went to the assessment and interview anyway, and I never expect to achieve what I have achieved right now.

[during scholarship interview]

After a few weeks of the assessment, I got called and I jumped out of happiness while eating at McDonald's with my sister when the staff said that I was chosen to be one of the 25 scholars.
It's like a dream coming trueeeeeee!
Well, I did remember convincing the interviewer that they wouldn't regret having me as their scholar so now I have a CGPA to maintain, if not, they will forfeit my scholarship.

I flew all the way from Sabah just to attend this award programme.

[I have to remove the picture because the words in my blog are not civilized, it may affect my professionality as a scholar]

What I can say about the interview is, manner is very important. Make sure you sit only when they ask you to be seated. And do have some confidence in you when you are talking.

[Horrible thing was, I completely forgot to bring my blazer, so I have to borrow XXXL coat.]

They were all so kind to me even though I showed up at dinner in a very inappropriate dress code.
Yep, I actually wore short high-waisted pants. 
I now know better not to wear inappropriate short pants.

- - - - - - - - - - 

Above all, having a sleepover at Dane's was fun.

[I seriously need to lose weight because believe me, my tummy is bloated already]

[with em girls, with em some truths and dares]

"Hope is an extraordinary gift Gatsby had"

I wanted to hope for a better future but maybe not.
Because hope gives birth to disappointment. And I don't think I can afford another disappointment in life.
I learned that people who are meant to be in your life, will always gravitate back to you, no matter how far they were led astray.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-