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Saturday, June 24, 2017
Change: What, when, why.

Just as the title above, I will answer the three W's of changes I made in my life: What, When, Why.

Honestly speaking, I used to care about my image, my reputation, and I loved fame.
But now I no longer care about those trivial things.
I no longer care being close friends with people who don't share the same core principle in life as mine.
I no longer care about people who tried so hard to tarnish my image. People who use me as a subject to talk during tea time. People who don"t even know me but shamelessly define the person I am, just to make themselves feel better.

The changes that I've made are too broad to be compressed within words.
I think the biggest change is that I strive to be favoured in God's eyes, not in mere humans' eyes.
You can find a lot of people who preach on social media using Scriptures from the Bible. But it is extremely hard to find people who actually DO the things that they learned from the Bible.
What I am doing right now is I want to actually do the things that the Bible really teach.
Not just by knowing the Scriptures and not executing it.

Is this a change that will be constant throughout my life? This is another question that I am afraid to answer because I am imperfect, I may stumble once or twice. But what I know is, I will always get back up again and thrive to make this change permanent.
Nobody told me to do this. But if you can think the way I think, you'd do the same.

All my 21 years of living, I have always known that I want to devote my life to God.
Devotion is a very strong word, and Godly devotion is very sacred and very important to me.
I tried to walk on my own without God's help and it didn't work.
Now as I started to rely on my God, He has blessed me in so many ways (Isaiah 41:10).

Since I was 11, I have been asking the purpose of living. You can also notice it on my older posts.
Do we live just to die? Life in this system of the world: is it shallow?
I have asked people about their purpose of living and most of them answered: collect a lot of money, travel the world, get married, and help their families out.
Is that it? And then you just die?

But I learned about what does the Bible really teach. Every question of life and instructions on how to live a happy life are written on it.
The most important thing is, through Jesus' ransom, we have the hope of resurrection and everlasting life.
Isn't this is more important than trivial things such as going crazy over my old posts that might be offensive?
Isn't life worth much more than being anxious over someone else's words?
Plus, they are an imperfect human's words.

If you claim to be a Christian, isn't the second greatest commandment is to love other people as much as you love yourself?
If God is love, don't we strive to be filled with love too?
Jesus said that his disciples can be distinguished from other hypocrites by showing love.
Jesus' real disciples show love toward each other.
So maybe we all can reflect and see the kind of person we are. Not judging other people.

Because I strive to be a practitioner of God's words, I will show love to people as humans, but not their wicked actions.
Because I am showing love, I deleted old posts that might be offensive to other humans.
Because my life is for Godly devotion, I put less time on social media, which is why I won't update this blog as often as I used to do.
The reason why I don't delete this blog is due to its sentimental value.
Why I don't make it private? Because some things that I wrote may help people at different ways.

Positive Impact On My Life Due To This Change:
I have never been this happy in my whole life.
And I can't describe my happiness in just words.
Words won't do this happiness justice.
For once, I am honestly very happy and content and satisfied. And I intend to stay like this.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Monday, April 3, 2017

Just because I share and publish posts about my life, doesn't mean you know ALL about me.What I show you is approximately only 15% of my life.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Tuesday, March 28, 2017
A few things to share being 21

Being 21 years old, I think I've gone through so much than most people at my age do.
But as I recall, I think all those hardships are what made my skin thick, my heart strong.
I didn't regret going through it, although, there are some things that I would want to change as well.

Being the second year student of university, I've learned a lot.
And two of them are ignorance and patience.

Sometimes you may encounter people who disagree with your core value in life.
Sometimes they may express their disagreement and feelings in a way that contradicts with what you think a rational person should behave.
Sometimes they might even do every single thing they can just to tick you off and make you angry.

What I learned is, it is best to just ignore some things.
Even if they tried to use you, for their own benefits, being parasite-like, it's okay.
Even if they think they are fooling you, or oppressing you, it's okay.
Continue to live a quiet life, ignore them and be patient.

But also, try your best to avoid them in any possible way.
Because you can't keep parasite in your life.

Another thing that I've been encountering lately is about relationship.
It's astonishing how some people try so hard to make me convert my religion.
It took them to such a great length, intro trying to make me feel guilty, into trying to tell me that other people did the same thing too.
I just answered, "Yeah too bad for them, but I do love my God", and I ignore the rest of the things they were going to say. 
Some people even thought that if you're single, that means you are desperate or really want to be in a relationship.
I know that in the future, somehow I would start my own family. But that family comes with a condition, that is, to love my God.
As for now, yes I'm single, but no, I'm not interested.

I also learned that I got used to live independently, without depending on my family.
However, I got too used to it that I forgot to walk modestly with God.
I thought that I didn't need His help because I can handle the things that I'm dealing with.
Turns out, I was wrong all along. And I just started to realize it this year.
And I started to depend on God.
Let me tell you that I've never been happier.
Now I know how it feels like to be happy that you feel like you're on a hot air balloon.

Before, I used to want to live to have fame, to become rich, to have a big big mansion, to be popular among friends.
But now, all I want is a quiet and a peaceful life.

I think I have a lot more to share, but time's running out. Until then.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Saturday, February 25, 2017

Just wow.
I am dumbfounded. I don't know what to say.

It's a mixture of annoyance, anger, irritation. Melancholy?

So before, I used to have a few principles that I kept to myself.
And I did keep it, I stand firmly on my core principles, until 2010 - 2016 where I had a major breakout. I was wild, my attitude and habits were so bad.

I associated and even dated with people who don't have the same core principles as mine.

In simpler words, I was wild.
And I lived in a depressed, narrow, negative world.

This year, I came to seek for inner peace, realizing that my life could either be meaningless or meaningful.
Thus, I want that life, I know I could do better.
Which is why I ended the most recent relationship that I had. 

[The most recent one was 2015 - early 2017, jadi yang lain jangan perasan ye]

I want to cut off all connections, all people that can be my stumbling block.
I want to remain on fire, and bad associations will cause that fire to cease to burn or shine.

It's funny when someone who claims to care about you doesn't support your spiritual growth.
That person actually just want you for his own benefits because he is self-centered.
He doesn't care about you, in fact he just wants to maintain his pride, he wants to avoid feeling lonely and he needs someone to boast his self-esteem.
You're just his trophy and he only cares for his feelings.

Just because I have moved on from that relationship, doesn't mean it's because I want to be with someone else.
Come on, am I that too shallow?
Is it too hard to believe that I left because I wanted to do what's best for me?
Is it too hard to understand the way I think?

I was being so kind. Not to boast, but I showed my kindness, my goodness, my mild temperedness, my empathy. 
You CAN'T force someone to change her religion just because you want her to be with you.
You can't do that. It's pure selfish.

My religion is based on what I extremely BELIEVE.
I did not love this religion just because my parents believed in it. Or because I wanted to follow someone else. No.
I believe because I have done ample of researches, I have experienced and tasted a lot of miracles and goodness that people can't possibly comprehend.

It's like asking someone what a banana tastes like. Is it sweet? Sour? A little bit bitter?
You can't describe the taste of something to someone. But instead, that someone should try it themselves and that's when they will know.
It's the same with my belief, you might be skeptical and think that I am just a hypocrite, thinking that I am just too immersed in absurdity. 
But ONLY IF you could see what I could see. If only you could feel what I could feel.

Religion is not something shallow.
You don't change your religion just because of your LOVE towards the human.
The very first love you must have is love with God.
If you know your God, if you LOVE Him wholeheartedly, you will put Him first before anyone else.

I never think of being superior. At all.
It's just that once I firmly believe in something, I'm gonna hold it, not gonna let go, not even if my hands are gonna bleed.
It's how firm I am right now.

I started to ignore things and found the inner peace of just being with myself.

But still, it's dumbfounding how you expect more from someone who claimed to know you, and they proved to be otherwise.
Now, I'm like, that's it. I know it's not going to be easy peasy, but one day I will thank myself for this.

When you're single and you're free from these people, you can just focus on yourself.
Before, I tend to put others first before me.
So from now on, I can just think about improving myself.

This post is not intended to hurt people, to judge people, or to harbor negative thoughts.
But this post is published simply because I've been keeping these stuffs for quite a while now, and I feel like sharing some of the lessons that I've learned in life.

I also wanted to share that just because someone has faith in something you can't understand, 
it doesn't mean that they are hypocrite, bigoted, or too pious. 
You can't judge them,

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Remove people.

In life, it is necessary to remove certain people from your life for good.
Because these certain people may stunt your spiritual growth.
They will judge you, and they will make you feel down, and bring you down together with them.

I just want to say that you don't have to deal with people like these anymore.
I know, most of the time it's not easy to instantly remove them, but keep trying hard as the end result is what matters.

I am saying this based on my own experience and experiences of others.

There are some people that I encounter, that expect me to drink, go to club, and smoke.
Just because I'm a cool person doesn't mean I practice all those stuffs [nah jk not cool at all haha].

What I wanted to say it, people who once knew you will not easily accept the fact that you've grown up, not yet matured, but at least grew a little.
I grow up, and I started to learn things that benefit me and that will not. Things that will please God and things that will not.
I've left my old personalities, I'm gonna cloth myself with a new one. And I am still building it right now.
That is why, I'm gonna have to leave some people, to achieve what really matters in life.
To achieve the purpose of a living.

I have never expressed these feelings written in this post and previous post. Because no one could understand what I want to really say. Not even myself.
Again, I want to go back to my hometown because I have a strong foundation there.
But I also want to improve myself, I want to meet brothers and sisters that can encourage and support me along the way, but I am also gonna have to work hard on being socially comfortable with people that I just met.
I have to learn to open up, be free, and enjoy good associations.
All these, in order to be achieved, need to be driven by hard work, determination, and being zealous.

I want to be around people that can encourage me, instead of people that are filled with negativities.
Again, I have to push my social boundaries.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Wednesday, February 15, 2017
What I really wanna do in life

Okay I'm just gonna get down to this a real bit quick because I have a flu and I just swallowed 10 mL of expectorant and 4 other pills, and I'm gonna get drowsy in 5 minutes.

I wanna talk about my path in life.
If I were to not think about other people, I would've had long ago pursue another path that is less intimidating and less exposure to wordly people.
I, too, wanted that. But I also thought about how my action will affect other people.
And I thought that I wouldn't be able to help people if I'm in a place where I can only pay for my own expenses.

It's a sad world where you have to go around a never ending circle. The circle is breakable, but you don't dare or you can't because there are people who need your help.
The circle includes being born, study, study, further studies, PhD, work, and die.

It's a sad circle in a sad world.

I really wanted to break that circle. If possible, I don't want to continue my degree any further.
Despite my latest outstanding result for the third semester.
Having an outstanding result from standardized tests/exams/labs doesn't measure your actual [i repeat, ACTUAL] mental ability.

I don't see any reason why I should further my studies, sign the contract, finish my degree next year, and continue to work for a big reputable company for three years.
But I did. And I can't turn back time. Even if I could, I would still be thinking about those people that need my help.
If it's possible, I want to stop studying right now.
I don't want to pursue higher education that you can only bring to death, but NOT to God's Kingdom.
I don't wanna live a meaningless, sad life.

I know people tend to judge me based on my past, so they wanted to say that I can't exactly preach or say anything about spiritual things, about God, about Bible.

I just wanted to say that according to Proverbs 24:16, 
"For the righteous one may fall seven times, and he will get up again".

It doesn't matter how many times I make mistakes in the past, also in the present, and in the future,
what matters is my effort, and how I stand back up again, never giving up.
I think that's what important.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Monday, November 14, 2016
Update of the year 2016

[since I'll only be blogging once a year. lol jk]

The great news is? I survived these past few weeks. Damn, it has been crazy for me.
It's only Midterm Examination but it already took four weeks.

First highlight is, I colored my hair and I chose the mixture of red and pink because I fancy them.
Too bad, this was months ago, and my current hair is somewhat bronze colored.

Only that, adults tend to judge young people based on their appearances.
If you color your hair, they'll think that "Oh this kid is a rebel"
You walk around with a colored hair, "Oh this kid does drugs, does not attend classes, and stupid"

These kind of judgments are so stupid and beyond all, they are so not true.

The other day, I went to the main office [I don't wanna say specifically its name] and so I was with my friend.
There was this woman then passed us, and she knew my friend. So she said, "Tell your friend to change back her hair color. Is she even a student?"
On the exact same day, another dude [with whatever badge he got] told me to change my hair color to NORMAL color.
It was in a super offensive tone, and I hate people like those that are super narrow-minded.
The way they look at me was the way you look at something disgusting.

I also realized that I got more sexually harassed when my hair is colored.
Why people love to discriminate just because someone likes something that they don't?

You see, most of the criminals have BLACK hair. 
Can you say that they are good people just because their hair is black?
Then what about natural red-headed? Are you saying they are dumb and abnormal?
I don't understand most Malaysians. Seriously.

Next update, I got the residency inside the campus!
Goodbye over expensive rent~

[Behind me is my locker]

Fourth update : I found Lang Leav to be sooooooo mainstream.
I have to admit that I hate mainstream stuffs.

 [This is sweet but in my humble opinion, the poems are not that attractive anymore]

Fifth update :
Lab from Tuesday to Friday and sometimes from Saturday to Sunday, and sometimes got extended until night.
Yes, and some people still wonder if I am that busy :D


Taking pictures is the only thing we can do leisurely in the lab..

[Just me doing my shhhhhhhhhhhh]

In that lab, we were working with mutagenic chemicals.
In fact, in that picture I was loading the dye that contains Ethidium Bromide.. which can cause mutations.
So if you hate me and you want to sound educated while talking to me, just say "I hope you got mutated by Ethidium Bromide!!"

[with a tiny bit of screaming on the way uphill]

With my small circle of friends

[This picture does not do the hill justice]

Not-sure-if-this-is-still-an-update Update : The Biotech Night Dinner last April

Next is Biotech Family Day 2016!!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand this is what my hair color is turning to be right now.

Last but not least, I just wanna share this here.
I never told people about this, except for my family and some of my coursemates that knew by accident.

The thing is, I don't wanna brag. I don't wanna tell people that I am in the Dean's list for two consecutive semesters. I am not the type to brag.
And mainly it's because this is still far from what I wanted to achieve.

I want a First Class Degree for six semesters. This has only been two semesters.
So maybe when I have achieved it, I will share my happiness publicly.
But as for now, I am still not satisfied.
I don't wanna sound ungrateful, but I just wanna achieve something bigger.

But of course, I am SUPER HAPPY for this.
Because I worked hard for this and I deserve this.

The thing is, in university, you tend to deal with real life problems.
Not the typical heartbroken problems.
Studying while doing assignments while doing presentation while doing lab reports ain't easy.
Even getting 3.5 is hard. 
So I can't say that I'm not proud of myself for achieving more than 3.5

Work hard in silence.
Just like a swimming swan. 
On the outside, a swimming swan looks so peaceful and calm. 
But on the inside, its legs are doing all the hard works trying to stay afloat.

So.... that's all for the update this year.
It's November, and I probably won't have time to update on December since we have Final Examination that month.
So... See you next year!! :D

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Tuesday, July 5, 2016
The inevitable stage of Blogger

This post is inspired by Bubz' video about the inevitable stage on YouTube.
That video made me realized about my blog too that I have left abandoned.

A long time ago, I started to blog when I was 12 years old which is eight years ago.
To be honest, the very first reason for me to blog was to share my feelings. Over time, blogging became very important to me. I started to share things in my life. I shared moments that I wish to cherish and I hoped my grandgrandgrandchildren will be able to read.
Blogging was just my lazy way to write a journal of my life. Instead of writing using a pen, I wrote using a laptop. 

For a starter, it was just something so random that I did. But now, when I think about it, I am very glad that I ever started to blog. For if it wasn't for this blog, I couldn't even look back to the person that I was before.

I admit that I've changed. There are many aspects of my life that I have changed over years, including my character. One thing that did not change about me is that I still did not favor people filled with stupidity and grammatical errors, plus rudeness. Before, I was very determined to make people see what wrong is wrong and what right is right, hence I blogged for awareness. 

But this year, something happened. Life happened. My "Talking about my life" slogan has became less relevant because I started to grow and became more private. Many people who read my blog and stalked all the way thought they knew me just because they read stories that I chose to share, the side of me that I chose to show. In conclusion, they thought they knew me more than I knew myself. I've had many comments from anonymous saying "You've changed dramatically", as if they knew me at all. They expect me to be the person they wanted me to be, hence the comments.

Many incidents occurred during my about EIGHT years of blogging, Sure, the amount of my viewers/readers increased on average of 10 people per day. Some people told me to keep it up, some people told me to delete my blog because it offended them. I didn't care, because it was not my freaking problem. 

However, as I grew older, I have more responsibilities. I don't even have the time to blog, and I don't even make time for it. For example, I chose to do laboratory reports rather than blogging. And trust me, our laboratory reports must be done individually and they were not that easy. My time has become limited and therefore, I invested most of my time on my real life rather than on my cyber life.
As time passes by, I realized that I want to be a private person because people want to use my blog to judge me. You know, people love to talk things that they don't know. They wanted to have stories to chit chat about while they are hanging out or drinking.

I am no longer that person who invested 100% of my time blogging because it is lifeless.

A long time ago back when I was in my adolescent years, me and my friends used to gang up and bash on people on Facebook. I still remember how we bashed that "Penyet" group and when I looked back, it was so hilarious and so funny. Me bashing on people who used my picture and captioned it as theirs, people who used my blog's URL for their own reasons, and et cetera. However, I am no longer that person who loves to pick fights online because I grew up, I have way better things to do and focus on now, and I am honestly very happy and at peace. In fact, I feel very blessed.

It's like there's a lump of gold ahead of me and there are lots of pebbles behind me. Of course I would run towards the gold ahead instead of being stuck with the pebbles. What I wanted to say is, why focus on the small little worthless things if you can focus on a bigger mandatory thing? Why stay stuck in the past whilst your future is so promising? I no longer dwell on the past, and shame on those who still do.

I've almost spent about 7 years on blogging about stories on my life. I loved talking about myself and I guess it just won't be online anymore. I will talk about my life face-to-face, and not virtually write journals about it. My priorities years ago have shifted to new priorities. I eventually became less invested in this blog and this is the inevitable stage of Blogger. You see, many bloggers that I love have stopped blogging [or they blogged less frequently] and that includes Xiaxue.

This doesn't mean that I will stop blogging. This just means that I will only be blogging about positivity and highlights of my year.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-