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Thursday, May 31, 2012
this morning, i'm hating Facebook.

ooopss. another post has been deleted mainly because i saw something that i don't ever want to see in my whole entire freaking life.
it's my greatest fear and i've been trying hard to not see things like that but Facebook made it easier and it took only 1 minute for me to see it.
i feel down, i feel depressed, i feel stranded in a big island and no captains would like to rescue me because i am invisible, not invincible.

and then i got the feeling of why should i care although it's not my business?
and then i got the thinking to be immersed in my passion - painting - because that's the only way i could escape from this cruel world, even just for a while.

i decided to deactivate my Facebook because it'll do nothing but only hurt a lot of people out there.
Facebook, for the first time in life, i hate you.
sure, you made it easier. but sometimes you made it easier for people to get hurt.
i can't deactivate because of my precious readers are out there "liking" the page of mine voluntarily.

i can't deactivate. i can't satisfy myself.
so i deleted my posts to satisfy this demanding brain.
i just want to scream but i am too depressed.

i guess it's time for me to back off.
completely backing off.
no, i won't put efforts anymore.
it's okay.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Wednesday, May 30, 2012
...that even an apology cannot redeem it back.

i don't have my only one guy bestfriend anymore.
i'm not trying to sound like i'm desperate for a GUY bestfriend.
it's just that a guy bestfriend is way more different from girl bestfriend.

reasons : 1. Guy bestfriends don't talk behind you.
2. Guy bestfriends wouldn't care about your dressings.
3. Most guy bestfriends are not hypocrite.

4. Guy bestfriends know the things they should and should not say.

5. Guy bestfriends will not whine or complain.
6. Guy bestfriends will not giggle or laugh in an annoying way.

there i gave you six reasons.
i could give you more but then i'll forget the main reason of why i'm blogging about this.

i once had a guy bestfriend. but now, not anymore.
again, i'm not trying to sound so sad and emo and such things.
i lost a precious bestfriend because i made a mistake, alright. a BIG mistake.
see? even i can be an example of girl bestfriend that is less better than guy bestfriend.

so i made this one big mistake that i can never take back.
i was selfish, i know. i talked about things without considering how much it could affect someone.
my actions, my words, my cruelty.
even when i tried to make up my mistakes by trying to talk to you and share secrets, i can see that it's futile. my big mistake cannot be covered with my efforts.
how long has it been.... four years i guess..
our four years of friendship, i mean my four years of friendship will be replaced by someone new soon.

it's okay for me though.
i can't see of why i should continue my efforts anymore. of why i should put back together the shattered glass of memories.
even the way you talked to me was a bit colder than before.
ugh why do i feel like i am so damn pathetic?! it's lame. to talk about this is lame.

and then i found one of Bubzbeauty's videos about her painting a wonderful masterpiece.
inside that video, she said something like "Did you leave your passion behind?".
unconciously i answered yes silently.

so i suddenly got the idea to join the Art class.
the only way i could show my passion towards something is through my old passion.
i had a passion in painting before. as time flies by, i've forgotten about it and i replaced that passion with my new dream. my new dream is now shattered and i selfishly wanting to chase back my old passion.

i never knew about the true value of something that's present in my life until i lost it.
dear guy bestfriend, or should i say ex-guy bestfriend, go and find a new girl bestfriend.
that has the same hobby as yours. that has the same way of thinking as yours.
that you could share your secrets to, that you could rely on to.
even the one that you can turn to everytime you feel lonely during the nights, remembering your sad moments that you can't even share with anyone else including the one who's closest to you. even during the time you're on the verge of crying or when you're crying.

this sounds so damn pathetic even more but i'm gonna continue anyway.
find someone who understands you better. who won't say things without considering about your feelings.
the one who could make you laugh out loud during the hardest moment in your life.
the one you could share conversations with at 4AM and talk about life like there's no tomorrow.

most of all, find the one who's everything i'm not.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Monday, May 28, 2012
a small family & neighbourhood gathering.

so yesterday's yesterday i didn't wear the clothings that i planned to because they'll say that i was over-doing it. nanti kena cakap minta puji.
i applied on eyeliner but i ended up wiping all of them off because of : read the reason above.
i applied some mascara on my lower lashes and suprisingly i ended up having a dramatic [kind of] eyes.

[well, it looked dramatic if you see it in real life]

it's a good thing that most of my cousins from Tambunan came.
we went to buy some foods at a kedai runcit and they were suprised because the prices of the foods are way more cheaper than in Tambunan.
of course la because it includes the cost of transport, since Tambunan is far away from the factories.

at first i was in charge of nothing. so all i did was : online and camwhoring.

[the duck face. HAHA i did it]

[i don't even know why she's posing like that]

but as the time flies, i was getting busier as people were coming.
in the afternoon i sang two songs with Rika and i was like ARGHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!! freak my life.
i screwed everything up. every single freaking thing.
as a result, i am in my low self-esteem for like everyday.
i'm giving up in singing. maybe it's not meant for me. singing is not in my adrenaline.

[Rika (the purple shirt) and her friend (black shirt)]

it's not time for me to ruin the mood and get really emo right now.
i took care of the foods, made the drinks and played with the kids.
i love kids. especially little ones. [i'm not a pedophile]

[Darrell, my tiniest and cute cousin]

[cutest neighbour, Ben and Bibi. they are siblings. so damn cute! xD grrr]

[HAHAHAH candid. he was very nerenget! he played too much and ended up bathing in sweats]

[he's cute ok]

[this is my happiness. those who dislike this food should get a life]

[this looked delicious. to be honest, it was not]

in the evening, we were BBQ-ing. [i lied. it's not a "we". they BBQ, i ate the wings]

[the eldest sister, Nanak (p/s : our face doesn't look the same so cut it out before i bang your head onto the freaking wall. tragically)]

the thing is, i was always mistaken for Lowong or Nanak.
but mostly they thought i was Lowong and Lowong was me.
even my parents called me "Oji" and called her "Feo".
what the heck? why can't you guys just differentiate?!

[the handsome cousin, Oden]

[the beautiful cousin, Bora]

[Lowong was wearing this bakul thingy. so ugly that i want to slap her]

[and this is a pedophile. oh my gosh look at my face. HAHAH. no, beach. don't look at it]

[our beloved grandmother with Lowong]

Oden was left all alone while Nanak was.....

....singing a song with her soon-to-be fiance.
begini la kalau urang dilamun cinta HAHAHAHAHAHA the most gross sentence ever.

anyway, her fiance was funny. he was drunk and he suddenly kissed my uncle's head out of nowhere.
i was left speechless and laughed out loud.

while we were shaking hands, he asked me whether i am the one who posted the status :

so i explained that Lowong was the one who posted it. she HACKED my account, okay.

the funny thing was, Lowong coincidentally passed us by while we were discussing that subject and then he asked her "Kau kaitu yang pigi hack account dia".
it was funny because it looked like he was gonna beat the sh*t out of Lowong for hacking my innocent account.
okay actually it is not that funny but it is.

[i don't drink this. i drink red wine B-)]

as for me, that little party was not boring since i socialized with my cousins and neighbours all the time.
and i took care of the dishes and foods.
i was born to be friendly. but if i am not in the mood to do so, i am not friendly.

Billy said he couldn't come because there's no one to accompany him, however, he did during the night and brought some neighbours.
soon, i played Frozen Throne with them and it gave me a huge satisfication B-)

not trying to show off but guess what?

during first round, i chose Drow Ranger, i killed them five times and i was killed three times.
managed to kill Billy :8) NGEHEHEHE

we played All Random during the second round and i got Centaur.
Billy exchanged place with Ian.
i thought i was gonna die but in the end, B-) NGHAHAHA

alaaa i didn't manage to show you my Centaur's items. i bought two hearts.
but i still need improvements! i am noob and will not be noob only after five years of practicing.

after playing Frozen Throne, Billy and the gang was going back home.
suddenly my dad told them to drink and finish both of the tapai and Tigers.
i was cleaning up the table and they kindly invited me to join them T-T
just look how kind people can be.

it was very awkward indeed since i'm not that close with them and i was the only girl.
we never had a real conversation before. yet, there i was sitting with them, laughing around and drinking things and ate things and had a conversation until at 2.30AM.
suddenly there's this one cruel and mean person [Lowong's sister] opened the window and screamed at them, telling them RUDELY to stop making noises and go back home.
she said something like "Oiii! Bising ba! Sa tida dapar tidur! Kamu pikir rumah kamu ka ni! Pulang!! SIALLL!"

my jaw was left open wide and i was speechless.
i didn't know what should i do. i was about to scream at her back but i didn't know what should i scream. should i scream "Suka hati lah! Apa ko sibuk oh!" like a childish person?

all of us were silent and i really didn't know what to do.
i FEEL very GUILTY. i am guilty. so damn freaking guilty. it's like i am responsible for it.
i know even if i apologized for countless of times, it wont be able to erase the embarassment that they felt.

i apologized and they were the one who told me that it's okay and convinced me to ignore it. although i was the one who should say those convincing words to them.
just look how kind people can be.

in the end, they stayed until 4AM and went back home.
i am still guilty and will always feel guilty.

Lowong's sister should apologize to them! it's not their fault.
my dad was the one who told them to drink those things, okay.
Lowong's sister should think MATURELY and act according to wise thinking.
even if you can't sleep, you can always talk NICELY and there's no need to scream from a far distance like we're killing a person. i DESPISE rude humans.
i will never be friends with rude people.

i mean, you have an option to go downstairs and talk nicely something like, "Boleh senyap sikit? Tida dapat tidur oh hehe. Tengkiu".
and if they're still making loud noises for the THIRD time, then you can get mad.
but that was the FIRST time and then you screamed.
why in the heck would you scream "SIAL!!!" like an uncivilized person anyway?
because you are indeed uncivilized.

what's your main point for screaming? what will you get from it?
you think you're COOL la? you think people will be SCARED of you la?
you think people will RESPECT you la?
the answer is a big freaking NO.
instead, people will start to DISRESPECT you.

i officially disrespect you.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Friday, May 25, 2012
i envy those who have a friend to play Skype with.

exam is gone for temporary and my two weeks of laziness is here!
how exciting.

it's been a while since i blog without worrying a thing about school.
[even though actually right now i feel like something is missing. it's like i should study and chase for something]

anyway! tomorrow we're helding a small party at our house for the gathering of our family, relatives and neighbours.
it's not a big special party so i didn't invite my friends hehe.
i invited Billy because he's one of my relatives and he's my neighbour.
plus, this thing could strengthen our neighbourhood bonding.
[sounds boring, i know]

i am unable to post pictures right now, though i really want to, because my memory card reader is missing. my CPU could detect memory card but i don't like to blog using a PC.

i bought Mimi's caramel cake [trust me, her cake is so freaking delicious that you would even lick your fingers. no, her cake is more than delicious. it's heaven. it's godlike] to share with them.

as i've stated on my Twitter, i was suffering migraine plus tonsil during this whole week.
today my tonsil is getting better but i am coughing like heck.
why now?!

yeah, i'm gonna emphasize it once again that it's just a small party.
but i am getting excited to dress up and do some makeups.
it's been such a long time since i've dressed up properly and used the makeups.
now i am making my own manicure and predicure and i don't even know why am i even telling you this.

i love long holidays.
basically because lately i've been damn lazy.
sometimes i don't even want to get up from my bed. i just want to eat, read mangas, watch movies, listen to music and lay down on my bed every single day.
how i wish life is endless and i am young forever.

i've learned hard things about friendshits.
as a result, i took off those pictures on my walls and burned them [well, i didn't actually burn them].
i tore off my "DARE TO DREAM" on my wall and now my bedroom looks empty. very dull.

i am searching for something other than "Dreams" since i am no longer interested in "Dreams".
[actually i am still interested in it]

there's a CS tournament on 9th June 2012!
oh how i want to join it so badly. :'(
hey, i was invited to join it, okay. it's not like i offered myself to join. i never offer myself okay.
the hardest part is, i don't have teammates to join it.
sure, i have one or two teammates right now but i got the feeling that they actually didn't want to join me.
why? because i am not good enough.

i am wondering if it will be too much if i asked them to be my teammates.
sure, i've asked one of them but not both of them. i need their confirmation.
if they really are interested in it, they'll ask me things about it but since they don't, then i'll take it as a "they-dont-want-to-be-my-friends" and bend down and cry at the corner of the freaking room.

if i did not care whether they want to join me or not and force them to join me, would it be too selfish?
is it wrong to be selfish even though this will not only bring benefits to me but to them too?

by the freaking way, long time ago when i was receiving my award [ohh the word "award" sounds cool], i recorded a video of our English teacher's daughter singing "Someone Like You" by Adele.
i uploaded it last month [i guess] but i always forgot to post it here!
since i am such a busy woman. business is not going great. *sigh like a mom*


she's kind to me by the way. she would always greet me first whenever we met :)
i like that kind of juniors. it makes me want to show my love to them more.

i won't sleep early tonight!
people are Skyping with their friends and i envy them.
i want to play Skype too! i want to play with the webcam during midnight and sing my friends a lullaby even though my voice is not that great.
but still!

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Thursday, May 17, 2012

i am sooooooooo damn exhausted! i might die.
you see, i've been struggling in passing this First Semester of Examination.
but there are still some inconsiderate people who asked me to do a job when it is actually her job.

you have a laptop, you have a printer, then why can't you do it yourself?
isn't that's actually your job?

oh my gosh. i am so freaking pissed off.

that Alfaziana girl is making me pissed off today too.
she took Scout's money and threw Vian's bag into a RUBBISH BIN.
we made a report to the disciplinary teacher, but they can do nothing about it because she has a mental illness.
still, i don't think that she's mentally ill. i think she's faking it.
only that her mind cannot develop well.

the school should do something about this. she's driving us crazy [in a bad way].
if you can't stop her, then we are the VICTIMS here.
in movies, she's the one who should get bullied. but in real life, she's the one who mentally and emotionally bullying us.
her parents are using the excuse of her being mentally ill.
if you really think that she's mentally ill, then why would you even register her in this school?
right. because you knew that she's actually not mentally ill.

what's the point of being in school if she can't even pass 1+1 ?
you should just let her stay at home rather than letting her disturbing us all day.

i ended up releasing all of my stress here.
now i need to make a report that i'm not even prone with and gain no benefits but troubles.
nobody wants to send me to school, so what if i can't help you?
if i could help, i will [since i am that kind]. but right now, i can't.
you expect me to walk to the bus stop and ride a bus. hell to the no. please. i need to study.

i did not complain about that because it is my job.
i did my job very well and i don't think i am irresponsible.

now i am so damn SORRY that i need to study and i have no transport to go to school right now.
[i don't even have any idea of why i should apologize for studying]

i need to catch up my Physics, because i am so stupid in it.

AND! i don't even know why i am inbox-ing with a stranger.
and why the heck would people inbox me when they knew that my chat is offline.
when my chat is offline, that means i don't want to chat with anybody.
since he can speak in English and is good-looking, i should just .... reply.

[i want that hair]

yeah because right now, there are people who struggle to stay alive.
there are people who work hard to survive.
there are people who survived from cancer.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Friday, May 11, 2012
they always say that things will get better. it's a lie.

T.G.I.F? no, i don't think so.
today is so depressing.
the examination of first semester has already started.
i took Physics and Biology's papers just now. they're the main cause of why i am so depressed today.

i don't know why but recently i have troubles with controlling my temper.
my head gets hot easily and my face is miserable.

i have a double-chin, that makes me even more depressed.
but then i thought of why should i not be fat if i have no one to impress.

everything is so depressing. oh gosh. that's the only thing that i can say.
if you were in my shoes, you'd know how it feels like.
you feel like screaming but you can't because you're too depressed.
you feel like getting angry for something but you know it isn't right.

in addition, i found out something that i should not know today.
why did i keep on knowing things that i should not know by coincidence?

[this picture calmed me a little. i could stare at it for hours]

it's true what they always say, "Life goes on".
the time won't wait for me.
i feel so tired like everyday. exhausted. too exhausted.
it feels like all of these is endless.
it's like this depression is not going to end. this kind of situation will stay the same.
i won't be able to look on the bright side.

you know what they always say? "Live your life".
but they never did mention that sometimes living is like dying.
i live like i'm dying. though for me to die is not as depressing as this.

i need to get some sleep.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Monday, May 7, 2012
a sad post that suddenly turned into a rage post

i was in the mood to study but then..... i saw something that i shouldn't have.
it was actually already like that in the first place, so it's not a big deal.

do i have depressions?

i am going to post random pictures until i think i am able to go to sleep.

[on Twitter, a band followed me. that's great :) ]

i just deleted my previous tweet because i can't force someone to follow me on Twitter, right?
and i am not forcing and never ever will force people.
if you guys want to follow me, go ahead and i'll love you people.
but if you don't, let's act like we never thought about the following thingy.

i once told a person to make a Twitter, but that person refused.
after we didn't talk to each other anymore, suddenly i saw that person's Twitter right now, which is really weird.
this life is really trying to kidding on me.

i dont have the rights to be mad, so let's move on to the next subject.

[an unknown stranger who managed to get me approve his friend request]

first of all, i am NOT that intelligent. i am being honest.
and i am SICK of those people saying things like "Kau kan study Bio~ takkan kau tida tauu~".
seriously, shut the heck up.

we study things slowly. we can't just get into Science Stream class and suddenly know everything.
and when i said "Budu" while laughing, i DON'T mean that your BRAIN is stupid.
i meant that your attitude was stupid, but since you assumed that i stated you're stupid, you're a stupid then.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Thursday, May 3, 2012
continuations and indecisive situations

tonight is the night when i finally realised that Keningau is a dangerous place to walk alone already.
i still remember long time ago where the amount of unwelcomed foreigners was still small.
there are lots of them these days. makes it even more hard to be happy while walking.
seriously those [insert bad word(s) here] unwelcomed foreigners who keep on disturbing females have no life at all.
why did they swam all the way from their countries to Sabah?!

anyway, i'm not gonna waste my time talking about them.
i would like to make the continuation of the previous previous post.


this was what Jacob said to Bella. he said he would never ever hurt her.
little did Bella know that that was actually a lie.

Jacob told Bella that his promise was so hard to keep.
note to brain : next time, dont make a promise that you're not able to keep.

Bella was being stupid. when Edward left her, she needed Jacob like a drug.
but after Edward wanted her back, she just left Jacob stranded alone and ran to her beloved bloodsucker Edward. urght.

[Ultraman shirt B-)]

guess whose shirt is that?
guess guess guess guess guess.
that shirt is my lil bro's. yes, im gonna wear his clothes for fun.

you know what, sometimes i feel like i want to be anorexic.
sometimes after i ate a heavy meal, i'll feel like puking everything out.
i'll feel super disgusted with my soon-to-be-fat neck. i'll feel disgusted with my tummy and my body.
everytime i look into the mirror, i feel like i dont want to eat until i am immune to starving.

i could do that but i am still controlling myself not to because the thing that makes me indecisive about stop eating is, they said it'll flatten my breast.
i dont want to have a flat breast. that's the worst thing that could happen to me.
but being fat is also the worst thing.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Wednesday, May 2, 2012
brace yourself! another boring post is here!

sleep, wake up, sleep, wake up, blink blink, get your conciousness and realise that it's the 5th month of 2012 already!

i really need some help with my Physics.
i need a tutor. i need to go to a tuition but i am such a lazy *insert bad word here*.
once i got back home from school, i'll sit on the couch and eventually the aircond will lullaby me a sleep. when i woke up, it's 8PM already.

there are customers coming, i am in my very inappropriate house clothing with my sleepy-red-eyed face.
i really do appreciate the customers who always come here like every day because basically i have no friends to play with. =,= what a lonely life without the customers.
i want to show my gratitude towards them, so i gave them an extra 10-20 minutes [based on who have a sad face or arrogant face].

but they didn't know that i gave them extra minutes.
so i am kind of scared if one day they will never come here again.
and then this house will be silent as heck without their laughters.

thanks to that little shop, i get to know some of my neighbours that i never met before.
i met lots of kids who came to here like every afternoon and we'll play Frozen Throne together.
okay, okay. i admit that i 'accidentally' played Frozen Throne lately even though i said i wont.
but it gets so addictive! especially when i managed to beat Shahrul and kill Billy and the sound of "First Blood!" makes me even more happy to see Billy's face.

*a happy face turned into a sour face*
you see that?! that's why i become stupid day by day.
instead of studying in the afternoon, i play games.
instead of studying at night, i blog.

anyway, my conclusion for this post is this ;

[a conclusion that is really out of topic]

i can never stop loving Joseph Vincent, you know.
it's not because of his looks. it's because of his sexy voice that makes him look even more sexy day by day. and his tattoos. and his body build..... *nosebleed*

as for me, his cover of "Boyfriend" is better than the original one.
i don't like JB, okay. once again i emphasize that i am never gonna be a belieber.
[never say never~]
it's just that most of JB's songs are catchy and since lots of people like it, it makes me like the songs too.

here's the original version ;

all of the Beliebers in Twitter are getting wild for JB's upcoming official music video.
they said it'll make their life complete.
a video can make a human's life complete.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-