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Thursday, August 30, 2012
friendship + depressions + busybody + good books = all in one post

why you always must appear soon after i decided to just forget about our friendship?!
i should not communicate with you so i will just ignore you.
it's the best. for both of us.

anyway, listening to McFly's songs after taking a cold shower is such a good feeling!
today is a good day.
even though i ended up going home late, but staying until English class was over is a good decision.

our awesome English teacher told us to write any of our depressions on a piece of paper.
at first we never thought that she'll read our papers, but she did.
it's a good thing that everyone stayed anonymous, so we were unable to guess which paper is whose.
[although i knew which paper is whose. i'm a sort of psychic. i have fifth sense, you know (jk, it's sixth sense) ]

i actually wrote one of my depressions which i don't mind sharing with people.
i don't think they knew that was my paper.
Asmah almost caught me but i denied with a serious face. HAHA.

anyway, i wrote about my depression towards my weight.
i would like to be thinner and lose 5KG.
previously i have mentioned that i was 47KG. sadly to be told, i am now back to 49KG and it is depressing me even more.

what i wrote on that paper is my thoughts.
i checked my BMI and found out that i am not an obese.
i am not an obese but it feels like i am.
i am not an obese but i want to be anorexic or just have a bulimia nervosa.
i want to have a slim body and lucky for those who have it.

i know the only advice that you could give to me is, "Drink plenty of water!".
yes, i am currently working on that since it will fasten my metabolic rate.
[i actually hate drinking water. it's such a bother. i'm not even thirsty]

other than that, you will also tell me, "Exercise regularly!".
it is easier said than done, beaches.
my butt is too lazy to exercise [unless if i am in the mood to] and all i wanna do is lay on the bad all day long reading mangas and watching animes while eating junk foods and Cokes without being fat!
that's how my life is supposed to be.

in conclusion, i have not yet found a brilliant advice regarding my depression.
it's kind of meaningless to share that depression, knowing that those advices are honestly not really helpful.

let's change the topic!

i hate BUSYBODY.
there's this one person who LOVES to tell every little detail that he knew about me to his friend.
i don't know what did he told his friend but i knew it is NOT a good thing.

i tweet what i want to because it's my Twitter!
i tweet what's on my mind!
i tweet my thoughts!
isn't that's the use of Twitter?!

what i did was not back-talking!
in fact, i don't really mind if your friend knew what i tweeted.
i don't mind if he knew by HIMSELF, without you telling him!
the thing that makes me almost explode is, you keep on telling people about me so that they will think that we're CLOSE even though the fact is, we ARE NOT that close!
and the things that you told them are MOSTLY NOT true at all.
most of them are out from the boundary of the real story.

remember the last time when you did the same damn thing?
that was two years ago.
i thought you've changed and so i forgave you.
but now, HA. i am going to stay silent for now.
i am going to ignore you and if you get on my nerves one more time, heck i'm gonna explode, beach.

haaa this will ruin my wonderful moment listening to sweet songs.
change the freaking subject.

last Tuesday, i went to Shima's house.
i felt guilty for ignoring her for weeks and didn't reply her text messages.
but she invited me to her house anyway. so kind towards the evil me.
well, let's just forget about that and move on~

i forgive people easily, you know. but when i get mad, sometimes it's hard for me to forgive them in such a short time.

and yes, i wore baju kurung along with my friends and bestfriend.

[i braided my hair!]

and last week, i borrowed two awesome books!
i've already mentioned that, i know, and here are the pictures!

[title says it all]

[Marilyn Monroe was GORGEOUS!]

[i like that "I was born ready, dear Sir".]

this second book is for my unfinished vampiric novel.
it's been two years suda! belum lagi siap2. HAHA.

anyway, this book is good.
it records all types of myths and legendary creatures.
don't say a word, just survey the book.

[there's even about MERLIN!]

[How To Deal With The Dark]

[nice illustration]

tomorrow is HOLIDAY!
which means unhealthy life again tonight.
i'm gonna watch movies and do all of those unhealthy things!
even just for one night :'(

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Sunday, August 26, 2012
painting - it's all about the feelings that you put inside

today is the last day of my holiday.
*crying a freaking river of tears*

despite knowing that, i still managed to paint a starry night sky.
i don't have the right paints and i am still figuring out the right angle to capture that painting so that it will not looked like compressed or etc.

in any other words, what i'm trying to say is that i am still unsatisfied with that painting and i hope that i am able to improve my skills in painting.
seriously, i need to buy the right paints and have that very thick and big drawing block.

but the most important thing isn't about the quality of materials you have.
it's about the feelings that you put inside that painting.
it's about the thoughts that were mulling inside your mind during the whole time you're painting.
it's about how deep you immerse yourself in it.
it's all about the emotions.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

sometimes they can be inspiring

my dad once told me not to love something way too much.
i asked him why.
and then he said it is so that i won't be too sad when every single thing that i loved is gone.
'cause the fact is, everything will disappear from your life.
it's only a matter of time.

my mom once told me that our life is like a flower.
one day it will bloom and everything looks beautiful.
but she didn't tell me that once it is wilt, it won't be able to bloom again.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Saturday, August 25, 2012
the end of the week

i need to tell you that i borrowed two awesome books from the library.
i wanted to capture pictures of them and their contents so badly but the camera is nowhere to be found.
leave it for later la.

my blog is so damn emotional and sad almost all the time.
i guess that's why people stopped reading my blog and i found it as a pleasure.
less people read my blog, then, more things i can share!

it was Friday one hour and a half ago.
the holiday is going to end soon and after blinking my eyes for a while, it's gonna be Monday morning already!
this is the harsh fact of student's life that i must endure.

after this holiday, i'm going to be all alone.

i wonder why does it feels like people are having much more wonderful holiday than mine?

for this holiday, i haven't accomplished much.
i only lost 2KG and now i am 47KG!
hmhmhm. *proud laugh*

that's what happened during this whole holiday of mine.
clap clap. curtains closed. the end.

but my holiday isn't that boring bah!
*trying to convince you that i have a super wonderful holiday*

sometimes i feel like i should study so i studied but after one hour, i decided to read manga back.
i'm having a very unhealthy holiday.
sleeping at 4AM or 5AM has been a habit.
there are two black rings around my eyes.

as soon as i woke up, i'll turn on my lappy and read mangas.
[currently i am addicted with Beelzebub and i've finished reading all of the updated chapters]
sometimes i'll drink three cups of coffee in one hour.
sometimes i'll drink Cokes with icecubes despite the fact that i'm having a bad flu and sorethroat.

in the afternoon, i'll go to the complex and jog.
since my short-sightedness is getting worse, when people were calling my name, i was unable to recognize who they are.
it is rude to just ignore them so i waved and it was embarassing because what if they weren't calling for me?
kunun la padahal they called my name pun.

when the night falls, i'll gaze at the starry night sky.
by looking at them, it somehow melts my cold heart.

but since i'm short-sighted [during night, it's worser] , i am unable to see the stars.
i tried using Lowong's spectacles and then there they were...thousands of twinkling stars.
that's when i decided that i'll have my own pair of spectacles.

and then i am addicted with the song "Everybody Talks" by Neon Trees.
when i first heard that song, i instantly fell in love with it.
it makes my day! it'll cheer me up everytime i'm sad and whenever i'm going to shower, i'll play that song.

this week is coming to its end.
so shouldn't we just get along and have lots of fun like we are supposed to?

my starry desktop :)

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Sunday, August 19, 2012
the past does not define the future

hey, you. i heard the story just now........

i thought we were bestfriends.
i thought you're still keeping the promises we made, just the two of us.
i am still keeping those promises and that's why i've been telling you things that you should know even though you don't give a shit about it.

this sounds so corny but actually it's not.
this is my disappointment.

remember when you wondered how long we can keep this friendship?
remember when i said until you don't need me anymore?

ohohoho this is so depressing.

i decided to delete you from my life, from my brain.
it sucks when we once talked about how people changed and apparently you're the one who's changing right now.
into a better person or not is the question.
i don't know the answer because it's been ages we're not in contact.

i contacted you.
the pathetic part is, i was the first one to text you.
in hope that we're still able to change things. hoping that we can still be superbestfriends like we used to a few years ago.

the harsh fact is, there's no turning back anymore.
i once told you that i believed every single person in my life right now will walk out from my life.
you once told me that you're not gonna walk away.
i believed that. i believed you.

a part of me feels sad and another part of me feels very angry.
i deleted your number so that i am unable to reach you whenever i want to spill my thoughts.
i wanted to delete you from Facebook and unfollow you on Twitter but that will be very childish.

i am not gonna put any efforts in working this out anymore.

have a healthy and a long life, buddy!
whenever you're feeling sad during the night, find someone who can comfort you.
because i can't.
thanks for the memories and this should be the last time for me to have the slightest thoughts about you.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

i live in a world where everything is STUPID.

so this *insert bad word here* sorethroat has turned into a *insert bad word here* flu and i cough like there's no tomorrow.
i ate medicine and i can't seem to get any better.
instead, i'm getting worser.

nope, i lied.
i didn't get any better because i...... ehem.
picture below explains everything.

[medicine + coke with ice cubes + amplang. what's more heaven than eating this even though you're sick?]

i was craving for amplang and thank heaven i finally found the nearest place where i can buy it.
ahhhhh! people are having fun right now and yet i am suffocating at home!
stupid sorethroat. stupid flu. stupid cough.

my dream holiday isn't supposed to be like this!
it's supposed to be happy, free and HEALTHY!

shut up and move on to another subject.

i have seven puppies and six of them are already adopted by my aunts and uncle two days ago :(
the saddest part is, they were fighting over my favourite puppy whose name WAS Dada [it's a "was" since they'll change his name soon].
he's too cute, i know. and too chubby and all.
but i'm the one who raised him up!

when they were about to be taken away, Dada usually will wave his tail and lick and bite me and all.
but instead, he just sat there, looking at me with sad eyes. puppy eyes.
it's like he knew he's going to be adopted.
*crying a freaking river of tears*

the only survivor is Si Hitam.
ever since his brothers and sisters are adopted, there's only him and his mother.
since my black crazy dog was dead, it's like Si Hitam is a replacement for him.
they're both black, you know.

it was a sad day.
i was being all emotional outside the house.
i did not turn on the lights.
so it's like "berkabung" lah.

my life will be sorrow as heck.
no more puppies will chase me while i'm walking to the school bus.
no more puppies will stop me from sneaking out from the house at 2AM.

again, shut up and move on with another subject.

i dislike a freeloader.
who come back home and brings nothing but troubles.
a person like that is so damn despising.

whenever i come back home, i'll cook the rice.
i'll clean up the kitchen and do my laundry.
yet i wonder why a person who stays 24/7 at home are NOT able to cook even the rice.

when le wild mom come back home, she'll scold me.
saying that i did not cook the rice and such things.
why didn't she scold the freeloader who stays at home 24/7?
i went to school, being all good and smart.
yet, this is what i get?!

what this world is turning into?
why people are becoming more and more and more despiseful?
more stupid and some even turn worser.

i feel like screaming.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Friday, August 17, 2012
sorethroat : a good way to begin my holiday

our holiday begin since last Wednesday.
and now i have a sorethroat which really sucks because it makes me feel dizzy and my mucus accumulates on the internal lining wall of my oesophagus since i can't get that mucus out from my mouth.
that mucus contains bacteria and thus, it will cause my throat to be swollen soon.
this is when Biology can be applied.

i can't drink caffeine since it'll thicken the mucus but i did anyway.
in fact, i drank two mugs of nescafe continuously.
how very healthy of me.
and what a good way to start my holiday.

ahhh~ my voice sucks.
do you know Opah from Kampung Boy?
my voice is like hers already. like seriously.

i am having a not productive holiday.
i eat, i play Pokemon [currently i am addicted to it], i watch movies, i jog, i shower, i eat, i play Pokemon, i sleep, i woke up, and the same damn cycle goes on over and over again.

[this game is surely addictive!]

[all of my Pokemons are named based on my name! that SHUCKIE is not my pokemon]

my aim during the next whole week of holiday is to lose some weight!
i am fat, i have double-chin, and i am INSECURE!

i better start doing something more productive.
for instance, go to the library and read a lot of inspiring books.
sounds boring, huh? but for me it is fun. especially when i am alone.
being alone means i can spend a lot of time to conversate with my brain.

talking about books,
recently i finished reading this one wonderful book! trust me, it is.

[front cover]

[back cover]

at first you might have the opinion that it is boring.
but you need to trust me in this. as you continue reading it, you'll eventually found it interesting.
i can actually feel the chill down my spine when i read some thrilling parts.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Monday, August 13, 2012
spilling my thoughts like a pouring rain.

hey, it's 10.40PM.
our Pool Party is cancelled because there was an unfortunate boy who drowned in the swimming pool.
i heard that the lifeguard wasn't there so they found the boy drowned only 10 minutes after.
in the end, the boy met the fatal.

when i heard the story, i was sad too.
but that's life.
sometimes it feels like we only live to die but trust me, we live for a reason.
i don't want to sound religious [because i am nothing but a sinful human] but i believe that we live to serve God.

again, it is now 10.42PM.
i can't sleep even though i need to since i'll be taking Biology and Physics papers tomorrow.
thank heaven it's only a text.
if it's the real examination, i'd be really dead for sure.

it's the nights like this, where i'd like to share everything with my blog.
about how i am always sad without any reason.
or there are reasons but i can't figure it out yet.

where things has changed a lot and i can do nothing but sitting here, wishing things would happen the way i want it to.
once is enough.
one day filled with happiness is enough to replace this sorrow in my brain.

i can't believe i had the idea to just laugh and smile even if things aren't right anymore.
i know, people out there are suffering a lot more than me but that doesn't mean i shouldn't spill my sadness.
i can't keep them all by myself all the time.
sometimes we need to let things go.
speak from our own heart, spill every single of your thoughts.
that way, a little weight will be lifted off of your shoulders.

i found that people who talk about something that honestly came straight from their hearts are attractive.
i found that people who talk about something honestly without caring about other's feelings are rude.

i should stop blogging and sleep my sadness away.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Friday, August 10, 2012
beautiful FB profile changed into a mere rubbish timeline.

so our monthly test suddenly start today and i took Chemistry paper.
school was fine, not really that boring and not really that exciting.
the interesting part is where a lot of students already knew about the upcoming pool party.

and then i wondered why it is called a "pool party" instead of a "party near the pool" since they're not swimming in the pool anyway.
well, if they do, it's good then.

the decisive part of today is, whether i am going to hang out with my bestfriend(s) and friends or not.
i don't know what makes me feel quite undecisive about it.
a part of wanted to go and a part of me told me to just stay at home and study.

i study for my own satisfication, by the way.

what happened two days ago : my crazy black dog was poisoned and he died.
:'( i felt sad. super sad. extremely sad. beyond sad. utterly sad.
because everytime i walk to the kedai runcit, he's the only one who will accompany me.
when stray dogs were trying to bite me, he saved me.
whenever i tried to sneak out from the house at 3AM, he will stop me from doing so.
T-T oh my doggy~ i will always love you.

i digged his grave.
me, myself, without the help of others.
because they don't love the doggy as much as i do.

let's stop talking about sad thing.

so today as i went back home from school, i Logged In my Facebook account and realised.....

*throws laptop out of the window*

what the HECK is that thing doing over there?!
my Facebook profile suddenly has changed into TIME-to-the-freaking-LINE without me approving it!
this is so unfair and Facebook is so damn freaking stupid for forcing us to use the timeline.
the timeline is the hardest and the most difficult thing i've ever used in any social networks before.

my once beautiful FB profile is now just a mere rubbish with lots of craps and nonsense.
for example, it shows my old posts ever since i started using Facebook.
sure, it is a good thing. but it also have TONS OF DISADVANTAGES.

ahh you're lucky that i am tired right now and i need to sleep right away.
ehem, so i was browsing my old posts.

i joined Facebook on 12th January 2008.
pretty cool, huh? ;)

the most uncivilized post that i found is this :

long time ago, the "Likes" were NOT necessary but "Comments" were.

the post that i like and love the most is this :

it's like everytime i read that sentence, i can imagine a sweet place that i have always dreamed of.
an adventure that i am longing for.

[388 comments. see? i told you. comments are necessary]

the most RELATABLE post is this :

how can i post such great words without people liking it?!

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Saturday, August 4, 2012
when life seems promising, and then it turns out to be not.

why does it feels like such a long time since i last blogged about something?
the August Monthly Test is just around the corner.
another two weeks to study lots of chapters and i am so gonna die.

i sometimes wonder how people can sleep and wake up on the next day and decided which person is important and which is not anymore.
how could they replace something that is once precious to them?
how can they forgot every little thing that they have ever had and just disappear like that?

i have lots of bestfriends who actually did that.
those "I will be here when you need me" are nothing but just some sweet words that can easily manipulate your brain.
when they need you, you're there for them.
when they're sad, you're there to comfort them.
but who's gonna comfort you if you're the only one who keeps comforting others?

i keep on witnessing people going in and out from my life.
it was actually fun to see how they easily change but at the same time it's sad, pathetic and depressing.

actually i feel left out.
that's one of the main points here.
when they were discussing things without me,
usually i'll put those negative feelings aside and just join them in and say something like, "Ikuttttttttt?" or "Ooooo kamu tida membawa sa haha :P".
but now, i don't feel like putting the negatives aside anymore.
i feel like backing off.
sometimes it sucks to be a girl. really.

i like English lessons. especially the literature part.
the poems are very meaningful.

these are some lessons i've learned by analysing the poems ;

"Love is like a gamble. You might win or you might lose." - He Had Such Quiet Eyes

"We need to get through bad times so that we can appreciate the good times afterall." - Nature

"Sometimes life will not go in the way we want it to. We just need to get over the past and move on with the future." - Are You Still Playing Your Flute?

but i like the poem "He Had Such Quiet Eyes" the most.
i can relate with the poem and the figurative meanings are the words that i've been longing to hear ever since last December.

the poem told me that sometimes what we see isn't always what it seems.
the person that you really think is nice, isn't always that nice.
maybe he/she is nice for a reason. for instance, they want something from you.
maybe they just want some pleasure from you, if you get what i mean.

that is why, don't easily give in your dignity.
relationships in such young age are TEMPORARY.
i have seen most of the teenagers nowadays easily give in their virginity for their so-called-loving-boyfriend.
seriously, girls? if your boyfriends really care for you, they would NOT easily take your virginity.
it's not for the name of LOVE. it's for the name of LUST.

if they really love you, they'll wait until after marriage.
if they don't, then that's lust.
you shouldn't get confused between LUST and LOVE.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-