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Saturday, September 29, 2012
karma hits my butt.

you never really know what it feels like to be in a situation unless you've already experienced it yourself.
what i'm trying to say it, karma just hit me straight on my face.
well, hello there karma. nice to meet you. please hit me more.

i used to think that those "What goes around comes around" or "Karma will hit you!" are very absurd.
however, the karma hits me and now i believe that if we do bad things to people, we'll gain bad things in return. if we do good deeds, we'll gain lots of blessings [for instance, happiness or satisfication].
 yes, i was evil and i am sometimes evil.
i did hurt the feelings of others and now i understand what it feels like.
it feels like what they've felt before.

on Monday i'll be taking History papers and i am now torturing my brain reading the textbook which i have never read before.
i am so going to fail this final examination.
*crying a river of crocodile tears*

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Wednesday, September 26, 2012
i'm not perfect but i'll try to be.

let's talk something happy in this post.
i feel so dizzy and bloated right now because i drank two glasses of Coke in one go continuously.
the deal was, whoever lose in playing that poker will be punished to drink a glass of Coke in one go.
to my dismay, i lose two games continuously. ugh.

but today is good.
despite knowing that the exam will start tomorrow, we were still playing poker.
i had lots of good conversations today. lots of meaningful ones. lots of thoughts being spoken out loud.
some Homo sapiens just won't let me pour all of my thoughts as they keep on bothering our conversation.
so yeah, the conversation was left hanging.

i feel a little lighter after saying things and being listened to and bla bla bla.
it's been such a long time since i last pour my mind.
even if the conversation gets corny, i don't mind at all.
[before this, i have NEVER ever once shared corny stories with people, i mean like, urghh you won't get it]

tomorrow i'll be taking Bahasa Malaysia papers and yeah, i should at least read the newspapers or surf anything about patriotism or "baby-dumping" or juvenile, just in case any of them come out tomorrow.

ehem, so we were having a small party at the class just now.

[these are the results. HAHA. this happen every year]

worst part about yesterday? me being accused again though i have a good intention and they accused me of doing something sinful.
kena tuduh menyundal lagi =_= semua la yang sa buat menyundal. ok fine.
narrow-minded parents.
who'd like to be in my shoes?
there are times when i will not be able to endure all of these anymore.
and that time, i'll not sit still.
i'll have to get out from this house as soon as possible and be far away from these narrow-minded people.

best part about yesterday? nothing much.
first, i went to the library and the librarian was very kind to me!
she said that i can borrow up to SIX books.
wow, i did not know that! after all this time, i thought i can only borrow TWO books.
so i borrowed these : 

[this one is good, only slightly different from the original novel]

[i like that moon and those stars]

[that's Bella and Edward on a large clearing]

[this is the credits. finished reading the book in one day. #HumbleBrag]

[borrowed two other books]

[already returned this book]

[one of the quotes that i like from The Mediator book, "How weird would that be to slow dance with a ghost? Come on. Nobody but me would ever be able to see him. I'd be like 'Oh, let me introduce you to my boyfriend,' and there wouldn't be anybody there. How embarassing"]

second best part about yesterday : camwhoring with my lil bro.

[flying kisses]

[constipation much?]

it's time for random pictures!

[this is the house that Lowong is currently living in]

[camwhore lil bro! he capture this by himself. how cute is that?]

[the kind sister which goes to pray together with us :D]

[me after finished praying. oh my, my hair is getting longer! no, it is long already!]

[a motorcycle factory. i have no idea why its rooftop is flat like that]

okay so the conclusion for today is, despite all the mistakes that i have made in the past, i am going to be a better person.
i am not perfect but i'll try.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Monday, September 24, 2012
talking about two different person at the same time.

okay so let's get the fact straight and face it.
i am so over about last year's November. if you get what i mean.
i am so over it that i wonder why people still brought up that matter.
they just won't trust me when i said i'm over it.
i've said it for countless of times, but i am already over it.

as a matter of fact, i found someone better.
someone who has a wide range of mind [a.k.a not narrow-minded].
i like people with depth, not people who only know how to enjoy themselves.

you said that you know you are better than him.
oh no, what a high level of confidence you have there.
let me point out that you are NO better than him.
you only know how to drown yourself in sins [which i admit, i ONCE was involved too but hey, don't judge me by my past, okay. i've totally changed just like the leaves of autumn do] and your reason is : enjoy sinful things while you're still a teenager.
you're just a loser who is unconscious of your mistakes and faults, you think you are better than him but actually you're not.
he has good qualities that you don't have and sometimes he can be a jerk but you know, he's the sweetest jerk ever.

enough talking about you. ew, i hope you read this and get your mind straight.
don't get too obsessed with yourself.
you think you got swagger la? just because i once complimented you that you looked like JB.
umph, whatever. let's not talk about this, ever, okay?
because no matter what i say, people like you will not get it.
and those people should not try to bring up this matter once again.
what happened last year, stays last year.

next thing is about their upcoming prom.
okay, i am certainly not mad because of not being invited to organize that prom together with you guys.
what i don't like is, when you lied to me.
you invited me to go to that event a few days ago and i asked you why didn't you tell me sooner about it.
there's no need for you to lie, really.
'cause i am 101% sure, i've never been contacted by you ever since we went to Shima's house.
ugh, talking about this will make it more obvious, but hey, this is my blog okay.

there's no need for excuses and such things.
you just need to admit that you only invite me because there are not sufficient people who's going to attend that prom of yours.
fullstop. enough talking.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Friday, September 21, 2012
the truth and the good news that can render us eternal happiness.

and so i was like, "What's up with this new Blogger look??"

it's getting more advanced and just when i was about to think that the previous look is better, i instantly changed my mind when i found out that i finally can upload plenty of pictures at once!
before this, we can only upload five pictures at once.
so this is very convenience.

anyway, i'm tired of people thinking that i am now.... vulnerable?
sure, everyone has their own moment. and recently i had my moment where i'm almost at the verge of mental breakdown.
and it's sweet for some of those Homo sapiens to text and inbox me, giving me moral support, saying that i'll get through this. i appreciate it. really.
but it's not pleasant when there were some people who thought that i was going to suicide.
 seriously, what the heck?

i might be stupid but not stupid enough to take away my life that God generously gave me just because some stupid Homo sapiens had done me wrong.
 i might be at the verge of breakdown, but not that too emotional.

"My dad just said things to me and now I'm going to cut my veins with a razor!! *cries* "

what a problem-solving decision.
if you want to do it, just do it then.
don't expect people to stop you, attention whore.

"My mom doesn't love me anymore and now I'm going to cut my veins with a razor!! *cries* "

ugh puh-lease.
i am NOT that emo.
if that's what you think when you read my previous post, then i doubt you still have half of your brain.

you might be wanting to know what i've been doing.
i've been spending most of my time in the bedroom.
and i've got to admit that i like it. having to spend most of the time alone without people bothering you.
i ignored and avoided the places where he went. for instance, if he's in the living room, i'll be in the kitchen. if he's walking to the kitchen, i'll quickly go to the living room. 
silence treatment is always the best.

lately i've been quite pleased with myself.
a miracle happened yesterday and i never thought that it'll lead to this much success.
i mean, i once told the people around me about the good news.
yet, they never believed me.
i was dreaming of becoming one of those true preachers. not the fake ones.
until one day, nobody believes me. i kind of stucked, you know, in the middle of nowhere.
i started to believe that people are not going to believe me so i made the decision that i'll just let them seek for me if they want to know about the truth.
yesterday, a miracle that happened totally changed it.
i am now back with my hopes and my dreams.
i decided to start telling people about the truth and the good news despite the fact that most of them will completely not listen to me.
i met lots of people like that before and they'll be like, "Oh really? If you think that what you said is true, then there's no need to question others' belief".
and that's it. the end.

what i found stupid was, i told the person who WAS close to me about it.
guess what he said?
"What about this ; I'll believe in your beliefs and you'll believe in my beliefs"
remembering about all those old things back makes me want to punch him in the face and yell "Ha! In your face I'm absolutely NOT going to COMPROMISE with you!".

you CANNOT compromise with my beliefs.
if i believe it, then i believe it.
and trust me, when i believe in something, there are lots of proofs that can show you how true is it.

i wonder how people could refuse to believe the truth that is already shown infront of their freaking face?
how could they deny such things because of their own ego?
how can their eyes be so blinded by those ...... surreal lies?

finally, for the first time in my life, a person is interested in it. it really caught his interest, his attention.
i can conclude that if you really want to know about the truth, you will be able to.
if you really open up your heart to it, you will be able to jump with joy because you finally know about the truth.
unlike those narrow-minded Homo sapiens, you are now free from the lies that you've been living in.
trust me, this truth will bring you a happiness. it'll make you feel beyond happy.
i know because i've seen lots of people who finally get to know the truth and guess what? they are now living in happiness despite of what's happening in this cruel world.
why they are still happy though they knew we are all going to die one day?
it's because they knew that God is going to resurrect all of the wise and those with the good hearts after Armageddon.

i'm not trying to be all saint and religious here.
in fact, you know that i never did once post on Facebook or Tweet something like "I love God".
because i know, only actions can show it. it's not something that can be shown only by saying.
i've seen lots of hypocrites saying those kind of sweet sentences about how they love God and how they bla bla bla bla but their attitude makes me doubt it.
that's why i never ever did say that except in my heart because i know i am sinful, i don't want to be a fake.

it makes me happy, to be exact, beyond happy.
when he said that he's starting to believe in it, i was and i am happy.
he said that it makes him happy. he said that he once was hot-tempered but now after he knew about the truth, he don't feel like going angry anymore. i don't know whether it's true or not but it gives me hope.
the most touching part? i told him that i lost hope in telling people about it and he said, "Then, start it all over. You can start it all over with me".
at that moment, i seriously fell damn hard for this guy.

 this is not supposed to be a religious post but i can't help but to share it.
in hope that it will attract your attention.
if you want to know about the truth and the good news that i am talking about here, then feel free to ask me.
feel free to message me on Facebook or DM me on Twitter or even leave some comments.
really, please do ask me.

even God wants you to find out the truth and be one of His bestfriends.

The Bible assures us that God wants us to “really find him.” (Acts 17:26, 27) Since our Creator wants us tosearch for truth, it cannot be wrong to act on the evidence that we find—even if this means changing our religion.
God wants people to come to a knowledge of the truth so that they too can learn to worship and serve him and be blessed. (1 Tim. 4:16)

[God’s] will is that all sorts of men should be saved and come to an accurate knowledge of truth.—1 Tim. 2:4.

Those knowing your name will trust in you.—Ps. 9:10. 

P/S : I mean, this is my blog, right? I blog what I want. I blog what I feel.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Monday, September 17, 2012
i hate living in this house. i want to go far away.

in the end, it's not about who lied to you or cheated on you.
it's about who's there for you when you needed somebody.
why my bestfriends weren't there for me, maybe because i didn't search for them.
but even if i did, the highest probability is facing the fact that they weren't there.
even if it's full of lies or full of fake kindness, that person is still there for me.
yes, that person whom i've talked bad about once.
for that, i should apologize.

where are those people who promised me, "I'll be there for you everytime you need me" ?
where can i run to? who can i rely on?

i know, it's wrong for me to sneak out from the house at 2AM.
but trust me, i was only OUTSIDE the house.
i didn't go anywhere but only outside the freaking door.
i didn't do anything sinful and i didn't ride a freaking car.
yet, you ACCUSED me doing all of that.
you said that i can't be trusted anymore.
but what can i do if what i said was nothing but TRUTH?
you want me to admit that i've done the things that i didn't do at all?
only that you'll be satisfied and leave me alone?
seriously, what kind of parent are you?

it was yesterday's yesterday when both of you gang up to make me feel more guilty.
i was guilty only for ONE thing : sneaking out from the house at 2AM.
however, i was NOT guilty for going to the club because the fact is, i DIDN'T.
and there was no car who picked me up.

both of you just won't shut your freaking mouth up.
if i was still the 15-years-old me, i'd defend the shit outta me.
i would scream and yell and be rude because they did not respect me.
if i was still the 15-years-old me, he will hit me because of my harsh words.
all i said was nothing but the TRUTH and you'll hit me because you knew i was right and you can't say anything anymore.
that hurts your ego and pride so you can do nothing but hit your rude daughter.

you thought the way you brought us up was RIGHT.
you thought you're right in every aspect. in every single thing.
you need to accept the fact that sometimes, parents make mistakes.
yet, you won't admit that. because of your big ego.
i had a very big ego once but i tried hard to make it fade away.
you thought that the only way to shut our mouth up is by hitting.

we're seriously all grown up suda.
grown up enough to be not beaten by you.
i remember those old days back when i was still ego.
i'd defend myself against your words and you'll beat me up and i'll run away from home for 3 days on maximum.
you'll realise your mistakes and ask mom to search for me and when i finally go back home, you'll not apologize. you're still with your ego.

it was yesterday's yesterday when you screamed infront of my door whilst i stayed silent.
it's very rare of me to stay silent in situations like that.
i stayed silent because i knew it'll cause nothing good but it'll make things worser.
it's hard to stay silent when i still have that ego in me.
it's hard to stay silent when you knew you can defend yourself against those words.
it's hard to stay silent when you knew they adden up the stories.
no matter how hard it was, i managed to stay silent.

until some point where they said that i was pregnant.
they said they'll arrange a meeting with our school's principal on Tuesday.
they want to tell the principal that i'll drop out from the school because i'm getting married.
seriously, i'm tired of being accused pregnant whilst i'm still a freaking VIRGIN.
i sneak out from the house at 2AM and be outside the house and being accused pregnant.
how rational is that?
i was tired of staying silent while listening to your stupid accusations.
so i ran away.
and you said if i run away, that means i'm wrong.
you said if i stayed silent, that means i've got nothing to defend because i'm wrong.
you said if i defend myself and fight against your words, that means i'm trying hard to cover up my mistakes.
i locked myself up in the bedroom and you told me to open the door and answer you.
i don't know what the heck you want from me.
don't make me hate you.

on last week's Thursday, i was outside the freaking door of your small cyber with Billy and Kevin.
you saw with your TWO freaking eyeballs that we did nothing but sharing stories and talk.
we did NOTHING bad, NOTHING sinful. to be exact, we were NOT having sex.
we were sitting infront of the door. NOTHING INTIMATE.
and there you were. you screamed infront of Kevin.
you shouldn't. you should know that my pride was hurt.
and when you said i was showing off my legs and my body, it hurts like heck.
it's like i am cheap and it's like i'm unvirgin and it's like i'm a prostitute.
and you screamed that. you SCREAMED to your max volume that everybody heard it.
what kind of father are you?
you screamed, "Perempuan SUNDAL! Menyundal saja kau tau!".
stupid. this is so stupid.

and now last night, i was going to take a look at Lowong's temporary house.
you asked Lowong where i was going. you thought i was going to run away from home.
that shows that you want to keep me as a prisoner in jail where you'll torture me every single freaking day with your accusations.
and i can't do anything but stay silent. even if i stayed silent, you'll tell me to answer your questions.
staying silent is wrong and talking is wrong.
it shows how stupid you are.

you knew that i always study outside the house on the front porch.
you knew that it was a better learning environment.
last night, when i was about to go to the front porch and study there, you said in an accusing and damn tone, "Buat apa kau belajar di luar? Tida payah! Nanti ada laki-laki datang kau bawa!".
BUDUH! kalau sa bawa lelaki, takkan kau tida buli nampak?! palui ka babal?
depan rumah saja baitu. depan itu pintu, depan mata kau.
sa budu sangat ka mau bawa lelaki pigi depan rumah yang dekat ruang tamu?
budu sangat ka sa macam kau?

yes, i am RUDE. very RUDE.
i am a rude brat. but you're the one who caused me to become like this.
so don't blame me. blame yourself.

i went back to my room and locked myself up.
i found that i can't hold it any longer.
i can't stay silent any longer but i need to. i'm forced to.
i threw away those books. i punched the table.
guess it made a lot of noise. you went upstairs and said, "Apa kau buat di dalam? Pigi la belajar di luar! Pigi!".
hah. after you've said those words that hurt me in every aspect, now you easily thought that you can take it all back with such manner? even if with a favourable manner, you still won't be able to take back your words.

you even told Al to say to me, "Peo, pigi la belajar di luar! bapa bilang..".
oh shut up and leave me alone.
you guys are stupid. you guys won't leave me alone.
you guys tried hard searching for the keys to open this door.
this is torturing me, inside and out.

i didn't cry because i'm sad.
i cried because it hurts staying silent and listening to those words.
i cried because i was angry. damn angry.
it's hard to keep those anger inside without crying.

in the end, who's there for me?

i am not trying to be all emotional.
this is actually a rage post.
i was angry and i am angry.

i hate all of you. i hate this house.
i want to go far away.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Sunday, September 16, 2012
our small class party ♥

so the DigCam is finally found after missing for quite a while.
now i am able to talk about our class' small party!
at first we were supposed to have a party in our class.
eventually, our beloved classroom teacher [which is Teacher Asmah] suggested that we held the small party at her house.

it was held on Sunday, i felt so damn guilty for not going to pray just to hang out with my classmates.
dear classmates, you guys need to be grateful ok.

i woke up late and thanks to Shima, i was woken up by thousand of text messages [not really...], i looked at the clock and it was damn freaking 10AM! i was honestly thankful that Shima texted me. :D
i intended to go to there before 10AM.
so everything was a rush, and i was a mess.

when i arrived [almost 11AM i think], only half of my classmates were there.
:( *sob* *sob*
the rest of them were unable to attend and i felt like killing those who promised to come but didn't because they woke up late.

the first thing that caught my attention was this ;

[can you spot my name?!]

[zoom in!]

those are the names of us who are born on January to June.
it was sweet of our classroom teacher and that made us to love her more.
and be thankful and appreciate and such things.

[this is another Asmah which is the assistant of class monitor]

[Rosana who is a very reliable person! trust me.]

[Pricilla. once was innocent and quiet but now.... maybe she's influenced by us?]

[Ray. the one who shares the same interest in anime as me]

[Herry and Romey. they can skip eating delicious foods just to play games.]

[Nazurah. i'd call her the laughing machine. i mean, she laughs a lot.]

after eating those delicious foods cooked by le teacher,


it was time to cut the cake...and camwhore!
Asmah [the other one, not our teacher] was forced to capture pictures with three cameras!
one camera of hers, one camera of Amirah's, and one camera of mine.
amazing Asmah.


[oh my...why was my jaw dropped open?]

[le classroom teacher (left side) and Vian (right side). and Debbie's head. HAHA]

[from the left : Rosana, Rachel and Asmah]

[children, we need to camwhore, okay? always camwhore.]

after a while, we decided to take a look around the town for our class' T-shirt.
again, our generous classroom teacher offered a ride.
there were ten of us and we were packed inside the car just like a can of sardine.

[Rosana and Asmah]

[keep in mind ; camwhore camwhore camwhore]

after that, we went to KBox which was very rare to see Asmah going to that kind of place.
she's getting wild. HAHA.
wild Asmah.

[don't care about the face, just camwhore]

[sweet song made me went "Awwwh~"]

[Ray and Amirah]

[tak rock ler Asmah nak tengok jam kat tempat hiburan ni. HAHA euw, puking off. i'm still a Sabahan with a Sabah loghat.]

when they're not looking, the most important thing to do is........,


[spectacles for accuracy xD]

that was actually the first time for me to hang out with my classmates.
i've got to admit that before this, i was very rebellious.
i didn't support the class T-shirt that they made back when we were in Form Two,
i teased their suggested activities and such evil things that you can imagine.
seriously, use your imagination.
this year, it was all different.
we are going to make our class' T-shirt together and we did lots of things together.

i've got to admit too that it was fun.
being with my classmates was fun.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Wednesday, September 12, 2012
dont get attached

i give up.
it's okay.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Sunday, September 9, 2012

i've been wanting to blog!
i really really really damn do.

it's just that i've been searching for the missing memory card because i wanted to upload some pictures.
i thought i was gonna find it soon but the fact is, it takes time.
and i can't wait no more.
so here i am, blogging about nonsense and you people still bother to read it.

my life has been quite not fine.
i forgive the one who lied to me.
i forgive him not because it is a nice thing to do but it's because i am too nice.
but i still won't trust him.

in a relationship, it is all about trust. it is true.
however, you are not worth to be trusted.
i can't even count how many times you've lied to me, cheated on me.
there you go easily apologizing and there i was easily forgiving.

one day, this matter will go to the point where i can forgive no more.
where i have lost my patience and where i can go amuk.

i don't trust you, yet i am still in a relationship with you.
it's because you asked for a chance to change.
this is the third chance that i gave you and let's just hope you won't waste it.

you don't have to go and make things complicated than it already is.
you just have to be honest. you just have to tell me real things.

let's change the subject.

the exam is around the corner, two weeks left for the Final Examination and after that, HOLIDAY!
seriously this year is such a short year.
just in a blink of an eye, it's September already.

i borrowed some wonderful books and i've been rereading this book for the third time.
not trying to brag or anything but i'm telling you not to read this book.
this book is mine and you shall not read it! *greedy smile*

on last week's Thursday, our English teacher divided us into two groups.
one group will sing Firework by Katy Perry and another will sing Grenade by Bruno Mars.
she told us to perform in a Gleeful-way.

i chose Grenade because Firework is such a bother.
i played the guitar and we were acting while singing.
it's like a melodical drama.

they said our performance was great even though i sang in a horrifying way.
you can't even possibly imagine. my voice just went off and it was awkward. blame it on the MUCUS please!!

Mimi gave a very positive comment although i don't think i deserve it.
she really thinks that it was a great performance.
she said it was wonderful when i played the guitar and said i sang beautifully.
i was like "Awh~ you~" while blushing.
Daus gave a very honest comment.
he knew that my voice was a little off and i didn't even feel sad about it because it really is!
entah kenapa tiba2 terusak suara. bikin malu juga la.

it IS embarassing. and when this classmate of mine sang Firework's chorus in solo, her voice went off and after performing, she cried. yes, she freaking CRIED.
i mean, what the heck? my voice went off too and i don't even cry.

i captured pictures while we were rehearsing but Lowong is now living in a different house and she brought along the lappy with her so i'm unable to upload the freaking pictures!
she said she needed it for her school presentation and such things.
i can't accept that. ARGHT! feel like screaming and pull her eyebrow.

[this was during rehearsing. luckily i uploaded this on Twitter]

[playing with Garena players]

i've got to admit that i've been improving in this stuff lately.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-