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Tuesday, November 27, 2012
i don't even know what

i don't really know the right word to describe this but what i'm feeling right now is uncertainty and insecure.
i don't know what i want, i don't know what to do.
i mean, i know what i want but i don't know what can i do to get it.

today is just another wasted day.
haish why do i feel depressed everytime i'm having a good time?
why must i feel down after i am happy?

i don't know what to do but i don't want the holiday to end.
do you ever feel like you're empty?
like there's a missing piece that will complete the puzzle.

why things never goes the way i want it to?
i want to scream but i don't know who should i scream to.
or what object should i blame and throw across the room.
maybe the pillow. but that won't satisfy me.

why can't i just have a perfect time?
feeling the night breeze along the seashore, not having any mind disturbance, only the feeling of peacefulness and warmth.
none of those are possible to happen. maybe it happens to you, but not to me.

i am quite disappointed with this world.
i hate waiting. waiting for this world to be renewed.

next year i'll be in Form Five and i hate that.
i hate that currently i want to be in leisure, not in conscience.

everything is so........ugh, nothing can describe.
sometimes i want to disappear in thin air and appear only when the system of this world is crush and torn apart.
that sounds selfish but what's wrong with being honest with our own desires?

"Others are suffering more than you do", you might say.
however, that's not a reason of why i should not be in despair.
that sentence shows how selfish you are. you know you're suffering so you're trying to say that others can't be happy because you aren't happy.

ever had that feeling when you just want to lay on your bed, hating everybody?

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Monday, November 26, 2012
crushed fairytales

oh my. is this a dream?
it's been almost one year already!

before this, all i could feel was the EMPTINESS inside of me.
the urge to survive from the 'heartbroken incident' and trying the best to move on.
seriously, it hurts when people move on faster than you do.
i am definitely not the type of a girl who repeatedly have a relationship that is shorter than my period.
i'm a bit old-fashioned, you see. i take things seriously.
but i advice you not to become the naive girl i had once been.

love stories in the movies and fairytales are crushed by the harshness of the reality.
i'm sorry but the fairytales ain't gonna come true, unless you found the right guy.
if you have found the right guy, then every little thing seems like a fairytale.
Mr. Perfect doesn't exist in this world but Mr. Right do.

you just need to wait. i don't know for how long. but it's gonna worth it.

maybe i'm still naive.
i still keep on believing and trusting no matter how many times i've been cheated, lied, and etc.
i don't know what's coming. maybe it's gonna crush me even more.
i still think that that doesn't matter. what matter is right now.
if the person insists on persuading me that the person can change into a better person, i'll wait.
i don't know i can wait for how long but still, that doesn't matter.

this feels like a dream.
but nothing lasts forever. i'm afraid this feelings won't last too.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

♥ Batsy Shane ♥

first of all, i want to talk about my beloved bestfriend, Anne.
obviously. it's the title of this post, duh.

[one of Anne's blog posts]

i read the post a few days ago and it was so touching.
how can Anne be not adorable? she's always adorable! and that's nothing but the fact.
everything always goes right if she's there. i assure you.
experiences? stories? sharing? name it. she have it all.

everytime our friendship was at the verge of breaking down, she's always there to fix it.
she'll throw her ego away and apologize and make everything all right.

i'm not trying to be all lesbo, but Anne, i love you too.
i hope you read this.

second of all, we went browsing through old pictures and it's not a crime to browse his old pictures and capture a shot of it, right? that's not a question, don't answer that.

just how cute can he be?!?!
i need to control my whoremones. HAHA JK.

am i head over heels in love?
HAHA. this is so not freakingly me!

i'm not usually like this but i guess sometimes we all need to be honest with our own feelings.
if we love something, we should express the love while we can.
because life in this current world is not permanent.
nothing is temporary. even the Sun has its own limit.
and the galaxies are expanding every time, so they are still not permanent in size.

random pictures of the day : 

these pictures are taken back when he was 6 years old.

pictures below are taken back when he was 7 years old.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Sunday, November 18, 2012
rumour has it

do you know that feeling when you can't sleep because your endless thoughts are killing you?
have you ever had this kind of feeling before?
you are so tired and damn sleepy but you just don't have the 'apetite' to sleep.
i went to sleep at 3AM last night and woke up at 8.30AM.
that is very unusual because usually i will sleep until 12PM or so.
this time, it's just so different.

you know, when people have lied to you many times before, you just can't trust them anymore.
again, it's about trust. i'm kinda stupid in this.
last night i heard rumour about it. the girl herself admitted about being in a relationship with him two weeks ago.
obviously and logically i should ask him whether it's true or not and then he said no.
which side to believe? i don't know.

he only admitted that the girl texted him and they called for a while.
for anything's sake, who am i not to be jealous?
i mean, if you were me, what kind of human are you if you don't even care about it?

when people have done bad things to you, you tend to do the same damn thing in return.
i can, i have the ability to, i am able to, but i don't want to.
why do i care so much about other people's feelings without considering mine?

well, he's in deeper problems, so last night i decided on not to adden up his problems.
with that, i said i trust him, i said that i trust in him for not being in a relationship with her two weeks ago.
but why would a girl lie about that?
about that, i am still uncertain.

oh how i wish i could talk to you face-to-face so that i can be mad and angry at you.
stomp on your feet or something. cut your front hair in a straight line as a punishment.
or even colour your nails in pink so that people will know that you're gay.
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i'm feeling so saddddddddddddddd.

what would you do if you were me?

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Tuesday, November 13, 2012
call me a rebel. sucker.

i don't care if you judge me.
i don't even care if you say that i'm a whiny and ungrateful little brat.
i don't give a single care if you say that those kids in Africa are suffering because that doesn't mean i need to suffer too.

i hate this life of mine.
this family, this house.

sometimes i wondered, "Why was I born into this family? Why my parents are not as good as my friends' parents? Why do I have these kind of parents? Why do I need to endure and live with them?"

i slept over my friends' house and their parents were so nice.
even if i'm not there, i know that their parents are still nice towards their children.
even if my friends disagree with that, i still think that their parents are a lot more better than mine.
that's the question.

people say that different parents have different personality.
then why do their personality sucks?

why do society says that children do not have the rights to fight for what is right?
what if they are discriminated by their own parents? what if they are pressured by their parents?
what if they are crushed by their parents? what if they are mentally abused?

a daughter like me, whom you refer as a rebel, obviously will not be able to stay silent.
i fought for my rights. my rights to get JUSTICE.
but then, what did i get? i was called a rebel and it's like they wrote an invisible word on my forehead : "Rebellious".

in this house, there is NO justice at all!
because they are stupid. oh if only you know, if only you're in the same situation as mine.

now i agree that this world is dominated by adults.
children are not taken seriously.
they are considered as tools for the adults to release their anger upon.

ugh just no words can describe this.
i am tired of being angry, of being discriminated, of being taken lightly because i'm still a kid.
they'll say, "Ah budak, apa saja yang kau tau" or the most famous sentence is, "Kau diam".

what i want to say is, i hate my life. i want to re-emphasize it for like thousands of times because i can do nothing about it.
i can do nothing about my life. all i can do is hating it.

sometimes when too much things have been bottled up inside, i can explode too.
just like a clogged drain. if it is left just like that, it can cause a flashflood.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Sunday, November 11, 2012
reunion party of Form 1 until Form 3

i've been quarelling with my own thoughts lately.
i had a conversation with my brain about whether i should apply for a part-time job or not.
instead of laying around in my house, doing nothing, i should at least get some experience and well, try to make my own $$.
it's not called "materialistic", mind you.

i don't love money but i need money.
some doesn't need money. i mean, they have more than enough but they still can't get enough and that type of person is called a money-lover which is not a good thing. at all.

life has been quite fine for me though there are times where i particularly give up in trying my hardest because i knew the outcome would still be the same.
maybe it's because of PMS and i was moody just now and i took a shower at 10PM and realised that the blood is finally flowing from the you-know-what.

i should learn to take things easy and simple and cool.
if good things doesn't happen, then let it be lah.

anyway, last Wednesday [i just realised that i've not updated this blog for one week or so already!], we had a party reunion for our class since Form 1 until Form 3.
out of 34 people, only 20 people came.
but it's okay lah, considering some have their own errands and we should be considerate of one's problem.

the DigCamera was once again nowhere to be found and i was damn lazy to bring the HandyCam so there's no snap snap from me :(
hence, let's borrow some pictures from my classmate, Nazurah :D

the reunion party was held at Stella Grill Island. it was a great place to hang out.
certainly the place was not crowded. in fact, it was only us who were using that place at that time.

we were waiting at the school canteen.
i was wearing short pants because it goes well with our class' T-Shirt.
plus, i thought we were going to meet up near the main gate!
unfortunately while i was walking to the school canteen, there were some pests who mentally harassed me.
i can do nothing because it was a rule made by our school that the students who wear short pants cannot enter the school.
but the canteen was not the school's property so yeah, whatever, back to subject.

we were supposed to come sharp at 9.30AM buttttttt, they were so "Keningau Time" lah.
some even texted me saying that they were in KK so they cannot attend whilst they were just on the way to the school canteen.

[we took only one bus so we became like a can of sardine]

we have arrived after 15 minutes packed inside the bus.

[Pricilla's lil bro and lil sister joined us in too :D]

[we had a BBQ]

this was the part where the boys said we should jump into the river first before eating.
but the girls [including me] insisted to eat because we were some big hungry monsters!!
we made a vote and of course the girls win because of majority.

[river bathing]

[Azwan and le cute Abang Yen :3]

[hey! i taught them to sleep like this!]

there was no picture of mine [actually there is but it's not pretty so i refuse to show it here!] because i was far at the top of the river [adaka istilah begini].
i was sleeping while suddenly there was a weird little caterpillar-look-alike-but-it-is-not it is something-weird-with-many-legs.
i not-really-screamed lah and then i saw Ray, i called upon him. "Rayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!"
he ran towards me despite those sharp rocks. whoah so cool. everyone who was in the scene was like 'He's cool'. and he just simply threw the little thing away like it was no big deal.
i can be such a whiny woman sometimes, which is very not good.

[wet Ray (lain macam bunyi)]

soon them Asmah went back home first.
there were only some of us left. five girls [including me] and six boys.
at 12PM or so, two boys came like a boss with a taxi and it was Daus and Nizam.
i told Daus to bring newspaper [i meant old newspaper] just in case the fire for BBQ won't start.
the horrifying fact IS, he bought new newspapers because he thought i wanted to read it.
i was like 'What the.............' ......i was speechless. i laughed out loud.

ahem, so the bus picked us up and the uncle generously sent me straight to my house. like a freaking boss.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Saturday, November 3, 2012
here i am, once again.

and then i was like, "Damn it, Feo! How could you trust this person so easily before?".

i am selfish, i know you're in a deep problem so i should watch out my words and my attitude towards you.
but that doesn't mean that you can take the advantage to hurt others!
you can't take your problem as an excuse of what you did wrong to others, especially me.
that doesn't mean i can't point out what i don't like and other things.

i've been keeping this to myself, telling my brain that it's okay although it is NOT okay.
telling my mind that you're in deep problems and i shouldn't adden up the burden on your chest even more.
telling my freaking self that you're mentally hurt because of your problems, that time will heal it and for the mean time i should endure.
i've been telling myself that things are gonna get better, that you can be trusted at least 50% or less but you're still trustable.
how stupid i am? please slap me with a hoe because my brain is such a whore.

i don't know what to do again right now.
maybe i need to shut my brain and, i don't know.
i care too much about other people's feelings that i don't have time to care about my own.

this time, let me be selfish.
despite all the problems that you're in, you should at least think about my feelings at least.
telling you this won't change a thing. you'll only give excuses. tons of excuses.
so let me just pour my thoughts here just like an endless pouring rain.

stop giving me excuses.

i am not sad, i am frustrated for being so naive and for trusting people easily though i've told myself to not trust people easily.
why am i like this?!

oh i need to disappear.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Friday, November 2, 2012
sometimes you can't be too kind.

you see, mon chevalier, i can do things ten times worser than you.
i can pay back all those mistakes that you've done to me.
i can do it even worser and more evil and more cruel and i can be merciless.

but i am just too... i don't know how to describe it.
i'll feel very guilty of hurting others, knowing that they're currently very weak and vulnerable and so fragile.

all the mistakes and the lies that you've told me.
all the pain that you've put me through.
i can easily make you feel what i felt before.
but i didn't.

when you're too soft-hearted, people take advantages from you.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

floral nails

two days ago, which is on Wednesday, i chilled with two of my bestfriends and some are good friends.
me and Anis decided to hang out earlier.
we ate stuffs and walked around and walked and walked until it was 5PM, we met Anne and the gang.

during the strolling, look what we found.

[the name that sounds familiar, huh?]

[we bought homemade chocolates. two to the left side were Anis's and mine was on the right side]

the chocolate was unexpectedly very delicious lah.
i intend to buy it again.

[Anne and the gang]

as soon as i got back home, i decided to do my nails.

but first, let's flash back things, 

[in 2010, my nails were in black]

[in 2011, my nails were in pink]

this year, i decided that my nails are gonna be in floral.

[first, shape your nails and make them shine]

[the base colour that i used is pink. followed by yellow, red and green]

all is finished.

random picture of the day?

HAHAHAHA. camwhore illness infected by me.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

detailed story of engagement day.

since the other day i was too exhausted to blog in details [which what i usually did], today let's talk again about the engagement day.
we went to the village on Thursday meanwhile my eldest sister will be back on Friday.
we went earlier because, well, it was too not peaceful back at home.

[my cute puppy yang sa malas suda mau jaga, kasi mandi and makan. lol]

[and then i prepared the things that i should bring]

i decided to stay at there until Tuesday but i went back home on Sunday considering there were some stuffs that i need to settle down.

[i was wearing my lil bro's school shirt]

the lil bro really hates seeing me wearing his clothes.
while i was wearing it, he pulled out a sulky face and HAHA you should see his face and eyeballs that almost popped out because of deep frowning.
"Pio baaaa, aiyaa bagi balik ba baju siaaa"

[he got two of this shirt so i consider one of them is mine now. *evil laugh*]

[entah Al. malas mau tingu muka dia begitu]

[Lowong, gunsinget Al, and primadonna me. HAHAHA jk]

[finally caught a candid photo of Al which his face was normal]

it was 6PM when we arrived at the main house.
and look what i saw!

[my cousins doing something like campfire. i want to join in too!]

i've been craving for a campfire oh so badly.
but it is so impossible to happen.
*crouch at the corner of the room* 

[me, Clyde Ashlie, and Diana Ericca at the back!]

they are my underlings already.
i taught them to camwhore, braid their hairs, and be awesome. like a boss.

[HAHA. this is Atet. i forgot her real full name T-T i'm such a bad cousin]

[cute Ashlie looking like a korean]

soon the cousins around my age arrived.

[Nana (white shirt), Eska a.k.a my hair rival (orange shirt), Borah (black shirt) and me (Al's shirt)]

[this was sleep time. i was on the right side and on the phone. blurred my face because my face looked like a man's face. seriously]

it was so damn cold lah that i regretted not bringing any long pants.

[lazing around in the morning]

[with his sweater *blushing* HAHA. shut up.]

in Tambunan, it's very normal to not take a bath during the morning.
well, at least for me it is normal.
because taking a bath in the morning is like bathing with ice cubes.
i took a bath anyway and pretended that i was in the Titanic movie.

so during the Friday night, we set up the backdrop and such things.

[cute Atet :D]

[the kids were practicing their "chicken dance" for tomorrow's performance]

[the crew who taught them to dance]

[the crew who did the backdrop]

if you're wondering where the Lowong has been, she was in the kitchen peeling mangoes while we were having fun outside.

[too many kids. sometimes can be a headache when they all want the same thing at once]

[Ashlie with her lil bro, Daryl (not sure if the spelling is right) ]

[both of them were so small and matching blue clothings]

[alulu the 2 years old Daryl was pushing her sister ♥ ]

[this is so cute]

i like kids. i love the ones with cute behaviour and personality. especially baby boys :D

so on the next morning, which was finally the engagement day, everything was not quite the rush.
thanks to the aunts and cousins who helped things out.

while i was in the kitchen doing woman's work [proudly to say that i am now very ladylike (as if) ], my eldest sister called upon me.
unexpectedly, i ended up helping her with her makeups.
we didn't plan about it at first but then, the result turned out better than expected!

[well, you know, girls]

[i intended to do smoky eyes but there wasn't enough time since people were coming already]

after putting on fake eyelashes and do the hair and wear the dress,

i was like, "Wah! I did a great job pula juga oh kan".
my aunt then went into the room and said, "Waa, sepa yang mekap ko tu?"
my eldest sister then told her it was me and my aunt said i should one day become the one who did makeups for weddings.
these are all nothing but humble brag. HEHE.
my cousin and Lowong then went in and the same reaction occured.
i was then told to do the makeups for my cousin, so it was quite busy and i didn't have time to do makeups for Lowong.

just remember that you want people to notice YOU, not your makeups.
most people never did apply this rule anymore.
they thought that the heavier the makeup, the better it will be.
which in the end blinds them from accepting the fact that they looked like a clown entertaining kids at night.
ooops, sorry to say, but simplicity is the best.

[the kids doing their makeover just outside the room]

i then felt very bad because i promised [not really promise, but, ..] the girls that i will braid their hair but since i unexpectedly need to makeup the important person of the day, i apologized to them and let they do their hair a bun.

[next room. curling the hair and stuffs]

[the Borah and the me]

[Ashlie and an unkown girl]

[them who i promised to braid the hair but HUHU, no need to say a word anymore]

[Lowong took this picture candidly. can't believe my hair was that long already! and it's getting longer!]

[Lowong and mom]

[the me]


[it's a custom to give the elders a drink]

[the cousin, Oden, who was apparently just back from Mahua Waterfall and was drunk]

the party goes on until the night and i made new friends.
they were very friendly as i've told you in the previous post.

i sat next to this unknown guy which was a friend of my cousin, and then my uncle came and said, "Anak buah saya inii. Kau pula ni cousin sayaa. Mana boleh kamu bercintaa".
and we exchanged glances, thinking like 'Wait, what the heck? Me and you? We never talked with each other this whole time!'.

and then there were also this one group of three guys which were my cousin's cousin.
one of them claimed that they knew me and even suddenly called out my name for countless of times until i went to their place, and they ran to hide. what a coward.

they're annoying and i don't even know how did they have my number!
i was like, 'Um, sorry. I don't give a damn for boys who are shorter than me'.

on the next morning, 

[Ashlie with teddyyyy]

[looking through old pictures. ada juga muka sa tersisip-sisip]

soon as i got back home, i cleaned out my bag and this year, i ate this much candy and actually more.

soon, i cleaned up the little shop and saw the vandalism of the kids.

[my name written on the couch placed in the little shop]

[this is too vandalizing!]

even wondering who wrote that name and why the heck there was a " ♥ " below it?!
plus, what's up with the " !! " ??
is that supposed to be, urm, in an angry tone?
i don't know.

thinking of the fact that a creepy stranger has been in my house before.
or they are in it right now, it's just that i don't know which is them.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-