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Saturday, December 29, 2012
insincere

hey, life's been good!
today i managed to make a conclusion about my everyday life.
no matter how fun that day is, there's always something to be sad about.
no matther how sad that day is, there's always something that can make it worser.

if you just accept your life the way it is, it wouldn't be that burdening.
if you don't accept the way your life is, you'll feel 'uncomfortable', it's like there's something you need to achieve, but you're still going nowhere because you're lack of efforts and actions.
hey, this is your life! nobody's going to live it for you.
it's either you're going to make it better and strive your ass hard or you're just going to sit at the corner of the room, crying, depressed, moaning about how bad your life is.

"This time believe me, I'll do my best to prove it to you"
"Those things that I have done for you, are they not enough?"

if you're insincere in saying that you would do anything, then don't say it.
don't promise, don't swear, don't tell me anything.

looks are always deceiving.

of course, i don't know the real you.
your real personality.
but i can tell that you're fake.

i've already told you that you're not two-faced. but you have too many faces.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-



Wednesday, December 26, 2012
holding on or letting go?

oh i am just a fool.

have you ever give your trust to a person and that person just throw it away?
it's like your own feelings are nothing but trash.
it's like your trust are nothing but a mere toy to play with.
it's like you're nothing but a stranger.

that's why i always say, i don't like promises.
i don't like it when people promise me things.
because in the end, they never keep their promises. instead, they will always break it into pieces.
my heart is broken into pieces.

the question is, can i stand all of these anymore?
which is more hurtful : holding on or letting go?


["There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go."]

i said once that in every 100 reasons i can name to let go, i will always search for one reason to stay.
this time, i don't know what's wrong and what's right for me.

i feel like giving up but something inside me is telling me to just go on.
sometimes i don't think i can do this anymore.
sometimes my heart will be convinced that that person will change.

of course, people need time to change. every thing needs time.
but that's not a reason for you to lie.

i said it before that i was head over heels in love.
fact is, i should've let it go. i mean, i shouldn't be in that position in the first place.

i am trying to let it go.
i am letting it go.
i tried, i tried, i tried and then i'm tired.


0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-



Tuesday, December 25, 2012
back at Keningau and school next week


what i've been up to for these past few days?
i've been living in my village for three days and two nights.
we planned to help out our aunts to bake some cookies and do the housechores.
however, two days ago we went back home because Lowong couldn't stand the feeling of being a freeloader while me, i don't think i'm a freeloader at all since we were living in the main house of our family.
plus, we did most of the house chores.

since she's going back home that night, why would i stay there alone?
you know i am unable to sleep alone, even though i tried so hard.

the conclusion is, i feel so guilty.
we should've helped out first and then we can go back home, instead of going back home instantly.
it's in the same zipcode as RUDE.

today is 25th December, it's just a plain normal boring day for me to hibernate in this hot and unpeaceful town.
yes, people are having fun, celebrating things, yet i don't feel there's a necessity in that. in fact, i don't think there is.
call me boring or whatever, i have my own reasonable reasons. i am not celebrating anything.

staying up late and sleep at 5AM has been my daily routine for this meaningless holiday of mine.
because if i were to go to sleep early, for instance at 11PM, i will wake up at 8AM and will not know what to do with the rest of my day!
i have no life. all i do is hibernate infront of this screen which is the main contribution to the damage of my eyes.

oh i just found out that school will start NEXT WEEK!
yes, next week. i am so freaked out because i am so not prepared with my life. yet.
i am not prepared to be a senior, i am not prepared for my studies, especially for the life-or-death examination which is SPM.

oh i'm so freaked out that i need to take a dump.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-



Thursday, December 20, 2012
i am officially a short-sighted person


it's been raining a lot lately, at least it is in Keningau.
my hometown. the place where i was born in.
i grew up here.

yet, here i am, still sitting infront of this PC.
yesterday, they said they were going to send us to the village today.
but today they said they are going to send us to the village tomorrow.
i don't know how long that cycle is going to cycling over and over again.
i'm just rambling.

saying that you're tired and that you're not a robot.
but you only stayed at home today, not going anywhere.
i went to the taylor for my PRS's baju kurung, i went to everywhere to cut 1cm of my hair [which totally have NO difference between before and after at all], and bought the things for school.
i am tired, yet i still have the spirit to go back to my village.

oh i'm having a migraine.

anyway, today i went to check my eyes and yes, it's been confirmed that i am short-sighted.


i will wait until it gets worser. only after that, i will wear spectacles.
it's such a bother to wear one, you know.
well, for me it is such a bother.

why?

Reason #1 : People won't believe that I am short-sighted, so they will consider that I am one of those swag-wannabes.

Reason #2 : I don't have a sharp nose. So wearing a pair of spectacles will point the imperfectness of my nose even more.

Reason #3 : I am afraid I need to wear spectacles everytime every second every hour. When I open my spectacles, there'll be some part of my face around the eyes which is white and the rest are black. If you know what I mean.

oh the rain is so wonderful.
i want to live in rainy days. i love rain.
the sound of the rain is my lullaby. it defines my mood.
happy rain, sad rain, depressed rain, angry rain, frustrated rain, confused rain, empty rain.
as for me, everything can be defined by the rain.

like how life is whether you want to dance in the rain or shelter from the rain as hard as you can but you ended up getting wet anyway.

recently, i've been reading books.
old books actually, but the contents were very interesting and inspiring!
while i was reading, i noticed that someone has highlighted important words which are important indeed.

 [".....sort of missed that feeling. That feeling of being loved and accepted and safe."]

 ["Everything was new and different now."]

i like this person who highlighted those words already.
it shows that he/she was still trying to move on and accepting the life.

while i was reading "Sanctuary" by Meg Cabot, i highlighted a sentence too.

["Love. It makes people do the craziest things."]

what do you think?

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-



Wednesday, December 19, 2012
a piece of thoughts about liars


suddenly they decided that Lowong and me are going back to village tomorrow since my aunt is alone at the main house and she really needs our help.
we need to wake up at 8AM. yes, that early.
right now is 1.23AM and i am doing my laundry.

wait, the washing machine has finished its job. i'll be back.

hey, i'm back.

coincidentally, tomorrow there's a plan of hanging out with my bestfriends.
to my dismay, i can't join them.
*crying a river of blood tears*

another bad thing happened. one of the PCs is formatted [again!] and all those precious pictures of mine are gone.
POOF! disappeared into thin air.
i am so frustrated that i can't even describe my feelings in words.
it's a DOUBLE TRAGEDY!

i think i should change the header of this blog and the layout.
just wait until i have time lah, right now i'm still busy with nothingness.

WAIT, if i were to live in the village until the holiday ends, how am i supposed to return the borrowed books from the library?
let's just hope that tomorrow the departure time will be delayed until 9AM so i could drop off the books at the library.

last year is totally not like this year at all.
last year's November and December were depressing enough that it could kill me.
this year's November and December are a little bit better. way more better actually.
considering that last year i didn't get to go back to my village at all, especially during 31st where the relatives, cousins, and all of us were supposed to gather. it's been a tradition for us.

i don't know if going back to the village tomorrow will be fun or what since i still have unsettled things here!
i don't expect anything but i just hope that things are better than expected since right now i am very very very frustrated with my current condition, which is : my mom lied to me.
she promised me, she even said "Bila pula saya tipu kau?", but she lied anyway.

that's a special trait about liars.
they keep on lying even though people know that they're lying.
but people are stupid enough to be convinced by them that they can be trusted again and again and again and again.
maybe it never happens to you but it always happens to me.

i doubt them but i still trust them.
maybe because i've never lied, that i've never get to think people will lie to me.
i've lied once or twice or more than three times but only on a reasonable reason, and not always, and i regretted it, i felt guilty, i admitted that i lied, that's why i'm never going to lie.
i'm still trying to be a better person, you see. that doesn't mean that you can expect me to be better already.
all things require time.

there was this one time, when i caught a person lying to me.
that person admitted it and promised will never lie again.
soon after that, i doubted that that person was lying again.
so i was like, "It's impossible for that person to lie once again, right? I mean that person got caught lying before!", and then after a while that person was really lying again.

it happens to me for countless of times already.
yeap, i keep on telling myself that i shouldn't trust people easily!
of course i didn't trust them easily.
it wasn't easy for them to gain my trust but then it was so easy for them to lose it.
and then the same cycle happens over and over again, makes me think, "Why didn't they get tired of lying? Why do they keep on trying to lie? Why do they lie? Is lying necessary for a living?".
i still have no answer for those questions. maybe it's the human nature.

i am sweating right now!
so, bye, until we meet again.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-



Sunday, December 16, 2012
my name is written on the road and suddenly it is my fault.

i know i shouldn't have screamed but that's what you get for waking me up in the morning while i'm still on my period, yelling at me.

just who wouldn't get mad if they are yelled at 7AM in the morning?!
plus, they are ADULTS.
and i am hungry right now.

i have no energy to get mad.

anyway, still remember this?

they got mad because of that.
Lowong's dad saw that name written on the road at the back of the house and he went screaming at me.
seriously, it was not my fault that my name was written over there.
i am NOT the one who did it, and he knew it, that's why he got mad at me.
what he should know is, i DID NOT ask for it.

imagine. imagine that if you're sleeping peacefully the night before and on the next morning, suddenly an adult [adult that's supposed to think maturely instead of childish thoughts] screamed at you just because there's your name written on the road. and that suddenly became your fault.
suddenly everything IS your fault.
how would you feel? do you think that's in the same zip code as REASONABLE?
a big fat NO.
except that my situation is not 101% like that. but it's still similar and it's still the same story.

saying that he wants to make me get married with that person who wrote that name.
i yelled in return, "Kasi kawin lah. Tida payah sa belajar".
i've accepted your super generous offer, yet why didn't you start doing something for me to get married?

if you're just searching for a point so that i'll be out from the family, just say so.
put me in a house of orphan. let another family adopt me.
i'd be way more happy if this thing goes that way. i'd rather a new family than seeing your face.
hypocrite.

after that you muttered "Sundal" and went downstairs.
*double facepalm*
seriously how can an adult act that way?!
somebody please answer me.

calling his own daughter a prostitute and such bad things.
what kind of parent is that?

and then there comes the mother who is professional in making things even worser.
saying untrue things, accusing me, saying that it's a humiliation to the family.

Me : Ada nama keluarga ka kena tulis? Ada nama bapa?
Her : Memang la tiada tapi orang tau itu nama sepa.

hah. as if i am that famous. NOBODY knew my name here.
at least some, but don't use "PEOPLE" because it refers to the WHOLE neighbourhood.

i know that's not my road.
but i don't have the power or chance to stop it from happening. to stop my name from being written on the road, i mean.
if i just could go out from the house for a while and stop it from being written, i would.
fact is, i can't even get out from this JAIL.

and here i am, suddenly everything is my fault.
it is my fault that my name is written over there.
why is it my fault? i can't even answer that.
they can't even answer that.
the only thing they can say is, it is my fault.
saying that i should erase it.
why should i?

ha-ha. now i should get married just because my name is written on the road.
nowadays, people need to get married because their name are written on the road, not because they have lost their virginity.
if you don't understand SARCASM, don't read above.


2 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-



Saturday, December 15, 2012
a depressing thing and an adorable thing about old pictures.

i was browsing through my old pictures and i found some pictures that are mentally depressing me!


yep, the picture above was me! back when i was Form 1, i think.
ARGHT!!!!! look at my body!
it's my ideal body! i really need a body like that right now!

i hate myself for eating too much.

however, despite that depressing thing, there's an old picture i found of my little brother,
AL EMERSON.


this picture was taken back when he was 3 years old.
ugh, i know right. so cute! so adorable!

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-



Friday, December 14, 2012
i need to improve myself spiritually. :)

i keep on forgetting to publish this post that i've drafted for a few days already!

* * *

i haven't updated my blog for like years!
days feel like years.

what i need to tell is, I AM SO GETTING FAT!
a lot of people are telling me about it.
you know what, lemme quote something from this book i read once.

"I don't care," she said with a shrug. "I'm a fabulous and talented person, and the fact that I'm overweight isn't going to stop boys from flocking to me like moths to a lightbulb." Then she smiled.I glanced at the powder on her chubby fingers. If she continued this way, the girl could end up looking like a minivan. But she was so confident that I believed her - and still do even now.

but of course i don't have that confidence as much as she have.

ahem. anyway, i've been away for four days and three nights.
there's an assembly held at Kota Kinabalu, so me and Lowong were attending it and we went there earlier.

things were better than i expected.
although there were some sad things happened, let's just not talk about it.

we stayed at Country Height.
it would've been better if we were at our house at Papar which is near the beach but it's too far from our main destination. so, yeah.

as soon as we arrived, the one who teaches us Bible invited us to go to the city.
[i hate the word "Pigi bandar" but i don't know how to explain in any other words. ugh i hate this life]

[camwhoring comes first]

the Photoscape was nowhere to be found since the main PC was formatted!
i have no other choice but to edit the pictures using Pixlr-O-Matic.
again, ugh i hate this life.

[wearing big shirt is so comfortable]

[the cute keys to the house]

[Lowong in the living room]

soon we were picked up.

[this is the one who teaches us Bible. we usually call her Sis Lillian. it's one of the ways to show respect to someone older. takkan la mau panggil aunty kan?]

soon we caught up with the rest of our brothers and sisters!
it's my first time going out with them so i was a little bit shy :)

[us!]


we planned to go and watch a movie but there was no any appropriate movie so we went to bowling instead.

[lowongness]


[sis Jessica :D ]

[sis Lillian and me]

[brother Daisuke and brother Jun]

[forgot to mention that both of them are from Japan]

[sis Ruby, the wife of brother Jun]

the rest of the night went just fine.

on Sunday, we went to the assembly.
it helped me to become a better person!
especially my language! i should not use any foul words. instead, i should improve spiritually.
most importantly, the talks helped me to become a kind and a softhearted person.

i'm not a good person but at least i try, okay! i tried and am still trying.
so don't call me hypocrite.


[Lowong and sis Lillian]

[Lowong and sis... i forgot her name! oh my bad]

the assembly started at 9.40AM and ended at 4PM!
it was our first time going to the assembly and without the assistance of our parents.

at 4PM, our elder sister and her boyfie picked us up.
we went for a meal and i felt really bad. really really bad.
because i've been bad! i should be at least kind to everyone regardless of the things that they did before!
the past is the past, you see.

and then we went to the beach.
the scenery was romantic [except that there were lots of people bah at that time so the scenery was ruined].

[Lowongness]

[elder sister and her boyfie]

[the me]

[the sunset]

[the us. lol]

after that we went to karaoke and the rest of our day ended up better than expected.
it's true to not expect too much and expect the unexpected so that we can be ready in case of anything.

the interesting event?
at that time Lowong was still sitting STPM. she have to take papers on the very next day which was on Monday.
we arrived at Keningau at 10AM and she was going to take papers at 2PM.
if i were her, i would be so panic that i would refuse to go anywhere until my papers are all finished.

even worse, during her last day of STPM, she overslept!
she was supposed to take her papers at 8AM but she overslept and the invigilator called her and she rushed and managed to go to school at 8.15AM.
i will take that as a lesson for me. not to study at the eleventh hour and woke up very late during the examination day.


0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-



Thursday, December 13, 2012
got caught-but-not-really.

hey guys.
i messed up big time.

but people need to be understandable.
i'm still a teenager, you see.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-



Thursday, December 6, 2012
this is not a depressed post. this is a raged post.


oh how i wanted to talk so badly about what i've been up to for these past few days.
unfortunately, right now i am so not in the mood.
i am raged up inside, living in this house that's full with dissapointment.

doesn't matter whether it's a big thing or not [but for me it's not a big thing], you don't have to scream and let the whole neighbourhood to hear you, right?
it's humiliating enough and i've been living in embarassment.

i shouldn't think of this way but my brain is the one who did the over-thinking stuff.
so what? so sue me.

nothing interests me anymore.
i don't feel like Logging In my Facebook [except when i want to play Tetris], i don't feel like twitting unnecessary thoughts on Twitter, i don't feel like Tumblring and the current problem is, i feel like blogging, a lot, but i don't feel like turning on this computer and talk about stuffs. which i did right now anyway.

i have swollen tonsils and it's killing me.
i've been eating tons of stuffs yet i still feel extremely hungry.
i hate eating Maggie. it makes me feel like i'm eating PLASTIC.
i've been gaining weights and it always lead me to depression yet i don't feel like jogging.
i want to scream and sing but my throat hurts.
i feel very hot and my head aches so badly that nothing can stop it from aching.

these are my current feelings and i am pouring my thoughts like an endless pouring rain.
i love rain. last night it was raining that i fell asleep.
this is so random.

i know it's wrong for me to say but sometimes i don't think i am interested with that person anymore.
sometimes.
sometimes i lost my interests in anything, so i ended up sleeping until 3PM.

that's one more thing to rant about.
this is my life, i have my own freedom.
i can go to sleep when and until when.
the parents have no rights to fix my bedtime, except if i am still a sixth grader.
fact is, i am sixteen, i am aware that i am still immature and still growing up, that's why they need to let me be.
just let me sleep to drift away from this harsh world, no need to accuse me.

fact is, they accused me of TEXTING until 4AM and that's why i always sleep until 3PM.
fact is, i DID NOT text until 4AM.
fact is, they don't know me yet they pretend to know everything.

just who the heck are you to judge me?
even if you are my parents, you are still nobody to judge me.

you're thinking that in this family, i am the deliquent daughter.
the worst daughter and etc etc and even worse, you think that i sneaked out from the house at 2AM, going to the club.
heck, i don't even know how to dance-in-the-clubbing-way.

in every thing i do, you'll think in the negative side.
for instance, if i'm going to the library, you'll think that i'm going there just to meet up with a guy.
heck no, i am not that low standard. even if i want to meet up with a guy, a LIBRARY is a no no.
since i respect the library [unlike most teenagers who went there just to have a chitchat and etc] , i often went there ALONE. i read books.
like i've told you, the parents don't even know that i love to be immersed in books, alone.

i'm not trying to question anything but it's the fact, when my sister is going to the library, they would never think in the negative side. they'll even send her and pick her up.
why the heck is that? because they judge me. worst part? they always judge me by my past.

for instance, they said that i didn't wash the dishes because a few years ago [yes, a few years ago], i hardly wash any dishes.
serously, i was a kid back then. i am still now but i've grown up a little and i've washed my dishes, always, after using them.

for instance, back when i was 13 years old, i was naive and stupid and innocent and i met a super wrong guy. he was stupid and that's why i was stupid too.
but like i've said, i was damn stupid, and innocent and i was open with influencing things.
i was caught having lunch at the canteen near the library with the guy by my mother.
that's why until now, they judge me by that. they will always think that everytime i go to the library, i only want to meet up with a guy.

i can say that my parents are not appreciative.
it's good enough that i didn't do drugs, i'm not an alcoholic, i'm not a smoker and etc.

fact is, the daughter that you trust the most is the one who actually did bad things behind you.
while me, the daughter who you always judge, is always reading books, yet accused not studying.

fact is, the daughter that you always support, that you always backup, is the one who did the bad things that you accused me to.

because of my past, you judge me.
because of my past, i seemed suspicious.

it's funny when your own parents are the one who always judge you.
ha-ha. laugh all you can.

i am not depressed while typing this.
i am just angry, filled with rage, not yet with hatred.
actually they are the one who's trying to teach me to hate, indirectly.
not filled with love, but only with screaming-like-there's-no-tomorrow.
well, they're not like that with people, but they're only like that with me.
why? because they still think that i am the 13 years old me who was very rebellious.

it's good enough i never did yelled back at them just like i did when i was 13.
like i've said, they are not appreciative.

i think sometimes parents are the main reason of why their children become that rebellious.
those kind of parents are the one who never want to admit their mistakes, because they're ego enough that they don't want to admit that sometimes their children is right and they're wrong.

i hate being yelled at, being screamed at, being shouted at.
if i was still 13, i can accept it, because i did lots of mistakes before.
but today, i am 16 and i did not deserve being yelled like that before.

that was three years ago and you need to get over it.
accept that i am growing up.
your children are growing up.
you can no longer beat them, scream at them, or shout at them.

it's a good thing that i have sympathy.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-