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Wednesday, January 30, 2013
whining about today

last night i slept nearly at 4AM and fully woke up at 5.30AM.
which also means that i've slept for one hour and a half only.

the amazing thing was, i did not even feel sleepy during class.
i only doze off a little bit during Chemistry and AddMaths period. 
but then i regained all my senses back and started to focus on those educational things.
to be honest, i was not able to fully concentrate.
there are a lot of things that's been bugging my mind recently.

this is one of those days where i don't want to go back home.
usually they say that they'd like to go home instead of staying at school.
today i feel like staying at school so that the time that i'll be spending at home will be short.
since i have a lot of things to do at home, i chose not to be selfish and here i am, at home.

sometimes people just don't realise that there's a "Dont talk to me" written on my forehead.
i wonder how to make it obvious to them that i'd like to not talk with them for the time being.

my back hurts, my head hurts, i want to sleep, but i have to stay awake until 4.30PM.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Monday, January 28, 2013
one of the stalls at Adika Food Court Centre that ruins my life

a few days ago, it happened to be one of my worst days this year.

i was not in the mood to stroll around the town, but i did anyway.
and i dressed up messily and badly and i looked miserable.
on such conditions, i met a lot of people whom i knew.
that taught me a lesson to always dress up like i'm on a runaway every day.

after that, i was cheered up thinking about eating 'sasau' which i love the most.
so me, mom and Lowong went to Adika Food Court to eat.

on this one particular stall, i ordered a Sweet N Sour Fish Rice.
firstly, the person who was in charge to cut all those ingredients was very unhygenic.
i saw with my two eyeballs that he swept his sweat using his arms while cutting those ingredients.
yes, very unhygenic and i am allergic with unhygenic people and unhygenic things.
furthermore, that stall was near the drain.

secondly, since i was waiting for such a long time for the food to be served, i was expecting a good dish.
to my dismay, the Sweet N Sour Fish can be counted with fingers. i can count them with my two eyeballs.
there were only small SIX slice of fish fillets.
plus, the sauce was very NOT delicious at all! it was not even in the same zipcode as "a good dish".
at that time i felt like exploding, so i did not finish the food because i thought the price was only around RM5 to RM6. come on, it is the standard price!

thirdly, that UNDELICIOUS Sweet N Sour Fish Rice was freaking RM7.
yes, seven ringgits for stupid undelicious meal.
i was saying something quite loudly but the cook and the waitresses stayed silent.
or they didn't hear me because they're too immersed in their greed.

haish that stall sucks oh.
it sucks more than i do.
pardon my words but all of these are nothing but the TRUTH.
the stall was named something like Fook Kee or something.
just telling you to be careful. some people are greedy and if you're the 'silent type', they'll take advantage of you.

undelicious food but wasted RM7 on nothing.
better eat at Honey Sweet Restaurant, it is more standard, cheaper and way more delicious over there.
unlike this unhygenic stall. expensive, undelicious, plain soup, yet more expensive than real restaurants.

[some of the stalls]

* * *

 on 10th January 2013, i went to Anne's house with Shima, Dicky and Shahrul. 

[from left to right : Anis, Dicky, Shahrul]

[from left to right : Alo, Shima, Syafiqah]

[girl in white shirt : cute Lanie]

i didn't capture that many pictures because there were already DSLRs everywhere.
so let's borrow some pictures from Anne's album.

[i decided to only 'steal' this picture because it shows that me and Anis were in a very deep conversation :8) ]

it's time for random pictures!

[i was the cute little one (HAHA) with my sisters, aunts, and a worker]

[after finish taking my SPM, i'll nurture my nails and make it look very fancy. just you wait and see]

[attempts to capture a beautiful flower glowing by the sunshine : FAIL]

[a little bit successful]


[a little bit successful]

[a little bit okay]

a few weeks ago, i found the notes written by my little brother, Al Emerson.
the notes were the cheats for GTA San Andreas.

[his writing was so cute that i can't stand it. please click this picture to enlarge and take a look at what he wrote]

[alolololololololo. just what kind of big sister who wouldn't melt over stuffs like this?!]

[there was "kereta kuburan" and then "kereta besar sikit". ALOLOLOLO *crying out of joy* i raised my lil bro quite well]

[and this is my private journal. though there's nothing private in it (yet), it is still considered as private and commoners are prohibited to take a look at its content]

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

'dont judge a book by its cover' and a short trip to Bunsit with friends

i just got back home from school, i'm still spending a little of my time for you even though i have piles of homeworks to do, so you should at least be grateful.
[talking to my blog]

they always say "Do not judge a book by its cover".
once, i wondered, "But what if the cover has a hole on it and we can see through it?"
now, i have the opinion that by saying "Do not judge a book by its cover", that means it's okay to judge the book by its content, but it also means that it is acceptable to judge.

so i won't be using that saying on homo sapiens anymore because it is unacceptable to judge others.
sometimes maybe i am being judgemental, for instance, when people add me on my Facebook, i will look their names and profile pictures first. if they pass, then i'll accept. if they don't, then i won't.
is that called being judgemental? i don't know. all i know is, i'm just trying to prevent harm from strangers.

strangers can mean harm to us.
for example, they can mentally harass us by chatting us on Facebook, saying something like "Whoa what a sexy body you got there". or even worse, something like "Wanna go to my room?" and if you're unlucky, you'll get "Wanna try mine?".
comments, posts, messages, all can mean harm if they are done by strangers.
not being judgemental to strangers but most strangers that i met on Facebook did that.

* * *

two weeks ago, i went to Bunsit with my bestfriends and friends.
it was unplanned since Anne suddenly texted me early in the morning, asking me whether i was going to the Bunsit or not.

at first, she said there was a transport but that person on duty did not give any respond when they texted or called him.
so she asked me whether i knew anyone who could send us over there.
i then texted the uncle who sent me and my classmates to Linsosod for our class party. [still remember that? if you don't, click here]

the funny yet annoying and irritating thing was, his respond.
this is our exact conversation :

Me : Slamat pagi, bleh ka kmi charter bas pigi bunsit?
Uncle Bus : boleh ba.kalau kau.sepa nie?
Me : Em, penumpang. Pa mcm bayaran dia?

*only after half an hour later that uncle replied*

Uncle Bus : kc msuk dlm bank

and then i was like, "....what the heck this old man was talking about?"
i am not that rude actually. only my brain was being rude for thinking that way.
but really. i wondered what is happening at that moment.
it's like the world is going to collapse soon because i don't even know what was he talking about.
*over-reacting confused face expression*

i then called him because i was rushing.
after wasting my credits and my time answering his questions, he finally said, "Bgus kmu ikut bas bingkur la. Sana dekat pasar malam". only then i felt like murdering somebody.

before i can get ready, Anne appeared infront of my house with a taxi.
i rushed and brought the BBQ place with me into the taxi, realised that i didn't bring any clothes during half way to our destination.

we arrived at the town and i left the BBQ place inside the taxi.
we went to buy foods and other relevant things [such as waiting for other friends to arrive] first.

skip the details, tadaaaaaa!

[from left to right : Nana, Pyfee, Fikri]

[that was actually the first time i was having conversation with both Pyfee and Fikri and they were nice to me already]

[the four of us were the BBQ crew]

[from left to right : Yani, Anis, Anne, Farhana]

*me enviously looking at them swimming happily*

[yeah have fun without me. lol]

they were having a great moment, while us.....

we were having a good time too, burning our faces with smokes.

[the hut]

[at first i thought they were a pair of couple, but then i found out that i was wrong]

[speaker, drinks and foods]

[junk foods]

[the frozen chickens in a plastic bag which we hung on a tree branch to melt the ice. people were laughing at us secretly but who cares as long as we're happy]

[Anis's bracelet. W which stands for 'whore'. JUST KIDDING HAHA. it stands for the love of her life :8) ]

[our successful BBQ B-) like a boss]

[she looked like our long lost cat who ran away from home :( ]

[she looked exactly the same! even her tail!]

at 5PM, we went back homeeeee.

[us in the car. they treated me very nicely even though i am not quite close to them! :D such nice friends]

[candid. she's gonna kill me for uploading this. but nobody's going to read this blog, so yeah haha]

[the kind man who's willing to send me infront of my house]

[the gentleman smile]

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Saturday, January 26, 2013
without giving much efforts, it easily slipped away.

the fact that i've been replaced by someone sooner than i thought, it actually kills.

how can you ever thought that you were so close with that someone until you realise that you don't know anything at all?
how can a person guilelessly lie?
you thought, "Why do people need to make this hard for me?", you thought that over and over again but you can't find the real answer. and even the solution.

it's funny and a little bit sad when you're already used to it.

i have nothing else to say.
i just want to share what i've been experiencing, hoping people out there [including my children] won't fall into the same trap easily.

it's okay, maybe it's because this is my life.
my life is not meant to be filled with happiness even if i tried so hard.
i tried to make things to happen in the way that i want it to so badly but i failed.
this time, i failed hard.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Friday, January 25, 2013
the end of my fairytale.

after two weeks or more, now i've finally got the chance to blog!
i know, i should manage my time better and follow my isolated "Revision Timetable", but i've got tons of things to deal with.

a lot of things happened for these two weeks.
i'll blog about them later, because i'm going to upload some pictures.
since the internet line is very slow right now, i'll need to record about them on this blog tonight.

right now i want and i need and i plead to talk about this thing.
i've been dealing with this thing for a while now, and i decided on not telling my bestfriend and close friends [whom i always do the 'sharing session' with] because i knew they are tired of listening to my same unsolved story over and over again.

this time, they won't need to worry anymore because i ended it last night.
yes, i ended it. this is the ending of my so-called-fairytale.

i feel stupid for believing that a happy ending will come after i've struggled and endured for it.
i learned that we do not need to strive for a happy ending because it doesn't even exist in this world.

sad part was? today is 25th, a complete seven month.
however, i do not care a thing about it anymore.

too many lessons learned and this one is the last one.
never accept someone who still have the guts to lie to you even though they've been caught before.
that kind of person is only sorry when they got caught.
once you knew that they're lying this whole freaking time, you'll feel dumbfounded.

you don't need to say that you're sorry because i'm not even breaking.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Tuesday, January 15, 2013
my oath of 2013.

in this house there is NO privacy at all.

i TRIED HARD to blog about happy stuffs, interesting stuffs, stuffs that are exciting but i found NONE.

i just need my own privacy, where nobody cares about how do i look, what rude stuffs i'm doing [for example : sitting like a boy], what's inside my purse, what's inside my bag, what's inside my wallet, my phone's credit balance.

in this house, i found none. i did not have any satisfication at all.
pressure everywhere. depression everywhere. guiltiness surrounding me.

i want to have the privacy where i can scream as loud as i want to and nobody will care or hear.
i want to go far away from here.
i want to work somewhere far away near the woods and there'll be a house for me to settle down peacefully.
i need a peaceful place and is that too much to ask?

honestly i am tired of these people around me.
this wrecked family, bestfriends, friends, significant other, these busybodies.
yet, i am still trying.

obviously i am tough and strong but there are times when i just want to say depressing things just so i won't go amuk.
sometimes i feel like i want to quit studying and work.
"Work at where?", you might ask. i've told you above there, i want to work somewhere far away.
i want to go to a deserted place but with sufficient and satisfying necessity prepared for me.

sometimes i feel like giving up but that kind of feeling is just a booster for me to motivate myself.
i need to think about the future, not the present.
because i can't be like this forever, isn't it?
my life isn't going to stay like this forever.

i want to study hard, get an excellent education, permanent job with luxurious pay, give those money to my siblings, get married and travel.
it's still a long way to go, i know. but this is my OATH.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Sunday, January 13, 2013
no matter how much you grieve for the past, it just won't happen again.

tomorrow is monday.
i'm supposed to give this lappy a rest but i ended up listening to PatauFM and let me blog for a while.

sleeping in my own bedroom has been a good achievement so far.
i should learn to be self-sufficient in sleeping alone.

i don't have anything important to blog about so let me ramble about honesty.
honesty, or the truth, is better than lies.
truth hurts for a while and it did not leave scar but lies does and it lasts for a lifetime.

of course, you are able to forgive someone but you are unable to forget about it.
especially when you trust that person wholeheartedly.
that's why, i need to learn to forgvie and forget but question is, is it possible for me to do that?
afterall, i'm just a sinful human being.

i was browsing through old pictures again - a very bad habit of mine.
it brings back tons of memories that almost have been deleted from my brain.
here i am again, feeding those memories with old pictures so that they will stay.

as i grow up, i noticed a big change around me.
different people have changed differently.
is this just another phase of life that i need to get through?

the person who was once a very good kid, look what happened to him right now.
the person who was once my very bestfriend, look where that person is right now.
the person who was once very cheerful, the person who was once very reliable.
look at them right now.

when i look at them, and then i look at those old pictures, my thought was "Ah, it's such a shame."
everybody's changing and i don't feel the same.
maybe i've become more quiet? keeping my thoughts to myself most of the time.
only revealing the cheerful side to those who i'm familiar with.
it's not called "arrogant", it's called ... i don't know.

everyday i become more and more and more uncomfortable with most of the people around me.
sometimes i like being alone and i just put up a "Don't talk to me" on my forehead.
i don't know why, i just don't feel like talking to them, unless they interest me.
most of the people around me are simply boring. maybe that's the reason.
or am i the boring one?

i am searching for a new place to rest.
excite me, i need an adventure in life.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Friday, January 11, 2013
i pity you because you're just a mere member

after struggling for seven days [or more], i've finally found some time from my packed schedule to blog.
life has been depressing because i'm currently addicted with playing the game Stylista on Facebook and earlier i just lost 45,000$ [which the sum i was supposed to gain from finishing two missions at the same time] because the connection was lost and i was forced to refresh the page!
oh i can't believe this is so depressing that i even want to smash all the things around me.

anyway, today i went to take my First and Second Sem results for last year.
i am 50% satisfied and 50% unsatisfied with myself.
my Chemist teacher told me that i could do it better!
if only i wasn't that lazy last year.

shocking news, i got the second place in class for the first time in my whole high school years.
i can't believe i beat Asmah in this.

however, those results does not determine this year's results.
it does not determine the you-know-what-examination result.

i have finished doing my homeworks.
now i just need to finish this PowerPoint of the novel The Curse and do some revisions if i don't want to be eaten alive by my History teacher.

it is raining right now and you know i love rain.
but there are certain times where i would like to do some outdoor activities and then it is suddenly pouring and then i hate the rain. it rarely happens by the way.

it's been such a long time i didn't wear Scout's full uniform.
tomorrow there's a dissolution of the committee members and there's an election of the committee members in return.

unfortunately, there are some people who are trying to claim that they are one of the highest committee members. not by words, but by their actions.
i've been keeping quiet about this for this whole time and now i won't stay quiet anymore.
if you think you can conquer the organization, i'll prove you wrong. really wrong.

so these mere members [which are NOT one of the official committee members] are so clever and intelligent for telling people at tomorrow the Scout's meeting will start at 8AM for committee members [as if they are one of the highest committee members] and 9AM for all members.
our leader himself said that the meeting for ALL will start at 8AM, NOT 9AM.
oh if only i could print those words up to size 100000000000 and paste it on the noticeboard, i would.

you see, i'm not mad because of the power. i wouldn't fight for the position, i was given that position.
their actions show that they are disrespecting me. that makes me mad.

first, one of them texted me something like "Tomorrow bring the organizational charts".
and there's NO magic word of "PLEASE". which means, that person is COMMANDING me to do so even though that person is just a mere member.
that, i kept quiet.

on the next day, i brought the organizational charts.
it was not used because that day is the day for club meetings and not association meetings.
i feel stupid and tired.
that, i kept quiet.

right now i can't keep quiet anymore.

i am just going to be straightfoward and let it all out.
i don't care anymore.
i don't care what they will think of me because i know that in this case, i am right.
this is the right decision. making them realise their current position is the best decision.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Friday, January 4, 2013
the same cycle of a student's life. how dull.

i've been so busy for these past three days.
there was an orientation program for Form 1 2013.
the PRS team [Pembimbing Rakan Sebaya] was on duty.
i suddenly became the master of ceremony where i did the formal talking most of the time.

my first impression when i first saw the Form 1 students was, they were very short.
i was like, 'Hey! Back when I was in Form 1, I was never that short!'.
from what i have observed, they still have their 7 years old attitude with them.
during the Ice-Breaking session where we all should get to know each other, there were some little boys who showed their rebellious attitude by ignoring what we instructed them to do.
in the end, they get to dance the Chicken Dance.
serves them right.

on the second day, the rebellious little boys from the previous day were showing their "I am not scared of you" attitude even if we were [and ARE] their senior.
they showed no respect towards us at all.
so i stared at their faces and said, "Mungkin kamu mau pigi depan ni kan? Kamu mau melawan ka ni? Kalau mau melawan bediri sekarang juga".
and then one of them suddenly said with a soft tone, "Tidak lah kak, kami tidak melawan".

today, they showed a good attitude already.
i don't know whether they were talking behind me or what but i don't care as long as i have done my duty.
of course, they are still kids. cannot expect that much from them.

that makes me wonder. back when i was in Form 1, was my attitude similar like that too?
no, right? i don't know.

back to talking about my student life.
i am so busy, that i'm afraid the burden is too much for me to be handled.
i don't want to grow up! i don't want to be a Form 5 student!
even if i say that countless of times, i will never be able to change this harsh fact that's choking me to death right now.

here's the same cycle of my life for 200++ days [minus the holidays].
wake up at 5.40AM, go to school and there are extra classes so i will go back home around 3PM, as soon as i got back home, i'll take a shower, eat and sleep until 7PM.
i will take a shower and eat again until 8PM, do my homeworks, do my own revision, organise the books according to the timetable and went to sleep at 11PM.
and then i will wake up at 5.40AM and it goes on again and again and again and again.

what i'm trying to say is, i will have NO time to be on the line!
i won't be able to blog as often as before, i won't be able to tweet, i won't be able to Log In my Facebook account.

life is gonna be so dull!

but i have a goal.
in order to achieve that goal, i need to sacrifice some things.
in order to get something better, we need to let go of something less better.

if i am unable to achieve my goal for the First Semester, i will sacrifice my sleeping time during the night and go to tuition.
it is a big sacrifice for me [since recently i've built up the love to sleep].
let's hope that the income is worth it.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Tuesday, January 1, 2013
like father like son

it's raining heavily. i am so angry right now that i want to punch somebody's face.
no words can describe how angry i am.
i have an irresponsible father and a brainless little brother.
just like the saying, "Like father like son".

usually during rain, this little cyber's door will be opened wide so that fresh air will go in.
plus, i like the rain. this weather really calms me until this father screamed.
telling me to go away, saying that i am irresponsible just because i let the door open.
he said the rain will go inside this little cyber.
no wonder why the little brother is brainless. i now know where he inherited that genetic from.

trying to search for a point to get mad at me.
just so he can yell at me.
if you were in my position, will you be able to stand it?
if you say you can, then you must be lying.

logically, the rain wouldn't be able to go inside this little cyber.
why? because there are ROOFS. ever heard of roofs? do you know why is it built for every house?

basically, for 17 years [now i'm 17] of my life, opening the door when it's raining was never a problem.

sometimes i have evil thoughts.
well, what can i do if i have a parent who planted evil seeds in my brain?

i know i shouldn't think this way but right now i want to study hard so that i can get scholarship, good education, a job with a great pay and then i will throw those money to this father's face.
i will move out, buy my own house, get married and never go back to this jail ever again.
i will teach my kids to be responsible, i will plant good seeds inside them, i will never want them to be like me.
rebellious, filled with anger, hatred, unsatisfactory, young and hopeless, discriminated.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

31st December 2012

it's the FIRST of JANUARY 2013!
i am not freaking out. nope, i am so not freaking out. not freaking out. not freaked out, at all.

tomorrow's school and the same cycle of a student's life will now begin!

i hate studying, i hate exams. i wish i could pass with flying colours without studying.
exams are such a hassle but there's one good thing about it.
it makes us study.

i hate to study History the most.
i mean, i don't have the slightest interest in it [except about the UMNO thing, Dato' Onn Jaafar should be the first prime minister if those people didn't make him feel dispirited in the first place].

last night i was at my village, so i was unable to blog about some other things that i need to.
it was my uncle's Wedding Day. at the same time, it was a New Year celebration for them.
[i didn't celebrate New Year]

[on the way to Tambunan]

[arrived at Tambunan. Al and Mom]

[Al and Allen]

[uncle (the Groom) and Mom]

[Aunty Chris, Mom and Aunty Jane]

[cousin, Oden]


[cousin Bora, and lil cousin Darell]

i was told to go to the reception table and tell the guests who came to sign up a book and give them candies.
since it was sunny in the afternoon and i'm afraid my skin will be tanned and i will be uglier as heck, so i decided to help at the reception table during the night.

[reception table]


 [the book]

[sign it up!]

[Lowong, cousin Sylene and little cousins]

[Lowong and Dedeck]

[Lowong and Tika]

[cousin Nana, Lowong and little cousins]

[during the night]

[the candies]

[mom eating kuaci]

during the night, i drank two cans of Royal Stout [i never knew Stout was that black before], one can of German Beer, one glass of Jack Daniel's [which i drank in one go] and lots of glasses of tapai.
it was just like drinking water until my brain was starting to malfunction.

[cousin Oden and Sylene]

[cousin Nius, Lowong and cousin Bora]

and then there's this flock of boys who played firecrackers near the reception table, which was near me.
they threw a firecracker towards me PURPOSEFULLY!
my leg was bleeding, it hurts like the world was going to end even if its 2013 maybe the Mayans were left behind one year that the doomsday was supposed to be on 2013.

so i screamed.
i screamed at that flock of boys.
i was walking towards them and was about to throw chairs on their face and flip the table like a freaking boss.
but that goal wasn't accomplished because my cousins stopped me by hugging me saying i was drunk.
i was not drunk. and that's not the case. even if i was not drunk, i will still scream and yell and throw chairs at them.
because that's NOT their place. that's not their village, not their house. they shouldn't do things as they please.
i was like, 'Oh know your shame. Think back that you all are just mere guests whom I barely know and I don't even want to know. Who asked my cousins for my number countless of times. How unabashed.'

and then they all shook my hand saying "Happy New Year aa, New Year suda ni".
my face was like O_O i was not drunk.

then there were fireworks.
it was such a nice view since the fireworks were just above us.
plus, the moon was shining full, it was just so beautiful.
until i didn't remember that my leg was bleeding.

it was a nice thing that i met lots of people and cousins who i never knew.
now i remember that i told somebody to make ugly faces with me.
i told him to make a duck face, a pig face. i almost forgot about that part until this someone told me about it.
urght! i AM so humiliated, i was humiliating myself, i am too ashamed that i would never go back to my village, ever.

i puked off on the way back home.
i puked again as soon as i arrived home.
it was torturing when all the rice went up to my nose. it hurts.
what was on my mind during the whole puking session : "I'd rather die than suffer like this" "Oh I will never drink again" "I hate Jack Daniel's"

i went to sleep and here i am today.
not yet sober. but still, i was not drunk anyway.
the proof is, i still remember some part of what happened last night.

tomorrow's school and i still feel like vomiting.
if my tummy doesn't feel better anytime soon, tomorrow i will be a dead meat.

31st December of 2012 was still better than the previous year's.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-