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Saturday, June 29, 2013
be a good role model to your little sisters and brother.

i've been busy with life that i rarely have time to fill this blog about it even though that is the purpose of this blog.
yes, the main purpose of this blog is to talk about my life, MINE only, including about what is happening around me.

what happened today was very disappointing and i'm sure those who will listen to this story will feel something like, "That is not right" or "How can that happen?".

this morning i woke up around 10AM and went to bath.
suddenly i heard an uproar. i heard someone was screaming and i knew it happened again.

a few days ago, my happy every day life was ruined by someone who can't control her mouth towards her own mother. it's not like she "CAN'T", but it is more to "DON'T".
she don't want to control all those words that she was going to scream to her own mother, which is my mother too. every single day the same thing happened and i can't even have a peaceful mind anymore.

i was patient this whole time.
until i heard she screamed at my mother with bad words such as "P*k*ma!!".
i hate that word and by hearing it, it caused my brain to be contaminated.
plus, she screamed those super bad and unacceptable words towards HER OWN MOTHER and my mother.
i can't accept that. i will never accept that.

she even screamed something like, "Bila ko tua nanti tai la sa mo jaga ko biar la ko di rumah kebajikan" and "Cuba la pukul sa, sa pukul ko sampai mati".
i was like, "What?!?!" and i was unable to hold it in anymore.
i went out from the bathroom and asked her, "Boleh ka jangan cakap mama sendiri 'p*k*ma' ? Ko keluar dari 'p*ki' siapa klau bukan mama?"
she then said, "Who are you? Kau tu siapa? Oh yalah, thank you for the advices TEACHER, puikkkkk".

i don't remember most of the things that she said because all of them are meaningless, worthless, and evil.
i remembered she screamed at my mom, "Semoga Tuhan balas semua perbuatan kau yang jahat".
i then told her, "No need to use the name of God if you, yourself, did not love Him by obeying His utmost commandment which is 'Love your mother and father'. You are so hypocrite. Stop saying things like that. I feel very disgusted hearing those things from you."

she is 23 years old or so [i don't remember], but yet she still acts like that.
she can't accept my advices because i am younger than her.
i heard she said something like, "Setahu saya, macam kau tida pernah melawan".

uhm, excuse me?
at what age i was acting rebelliously?
let me answer that for you.
i was being rebellious at the age of 12-16 years old.
according to some scientific research, that range of age is called the 'rebellious stage'.
it is NORMAL for TEENAGERS to be rebellious because they are still finding out who they are.
and i have changed. let me repeat this for those who act like they know me. for these past few months, i have changed. i came into a decision that i should change, and i did.
in addition, i never did say super bad words like that towards my own mother,

plus, what is your age again? not even a teenager anymore.
23 years old but still act like that?

she screamed twice from the staircase just to let me hear, "Diorang sangka diorang lagi matang dari KITA".
you're an adult. yes, an ADULT, and i can't deny that. you have reached your ADULTHOOD [in fact, you're in it by now]. 
you're NOT an adolescent anymore.
all of these, including your attitude, are made by your own DECISION.
you cannot blame your parents for mending you to be like this, instead you should blame yourself and at least TRY to change and listen for once of what people think about you.
you are grown up enough to know what is wrong and what is right.
you should throw away your childish acts and act as a GOOD ROLE MODEL to your little sisters and brother.

even if all these things that i said will not be digested, at least i have released my thoughts.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Sunday, June 23, 2013
people i erased from my life

"Wait, who are you again?"
that was what i thought the whole time i was looking through all those pictures.
faces after faces which i can barely recognize anymore.
that i think doesn't matter anymore.
can i seriously just stop caring about things that i don't care anymore?

despite of me still being a teenager, can i just not be part of this world?
i am not less fun. i am just making a distance from people who are full of amorality and who are full with this world's desire.
it's not that i don't want to be friends with them. i do, only in condition that i won't indulge myself with worldly things like them.

i admit i have made mistakes before.
it's time to change that.

whenever i say i will do something, i will do it.
so when i say i want to make a change within myself, i will do it.
and right now i am doing it.
'cause if not now, then when?

a progress cannot be boosted.
that's the same when i want to become a better person.
it takes step by step.
imagine if you're taking two steps or more than your leg's length on a staircase. obviously you will fall, right?

that goes the same with me.
if i am going to take the biggest step that is more than i am capable of right now, i will absolutely fall and everything will be meaningless.
so right now, i am going to take step by step.

regardless of those bad words that i have spitted out from my mouth before, right now i am changing it.
the biggest challenge is not to say the "Buduh" word because let's face it. in Sabah, you can say that word whether you're happy, sad, or angry. it's weird but it's true.

"Haha buduh oh" [Happy]
"Aiyaaaaa..buduh oh begini" [Sad]
"Punya buduh ko ni!" [Angry]

i am not going to tell my progress so far by words.
it only can be shown through actions.
'cause actions still speak louder than words.

and again, i would like to emphasize that i am not a sinner, neither a saint.
i don't want to be a saint, just a better Homo sapiens than the majority.

meanwhile that, here's a picture of sunset.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Sunday, June 16, 2013
i am humiliated

have you ever felt like killing yourself because you are too embarassed to live for the moment?
i have and i am right now.

i was in the middle of eating my dinner until i busybodied.
i really shouldn't have busybodied and just let it be.
oh the more i talk about it the more i realised that i have humiliated myself.

what's up with the "I'm his little sister" ?! 
oh gosh kill me. somebody, please.
i feel like laughing at myself.
*banging head onto the wall*

i am so ashameeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed.
*crying a river of tears*
i don't have any reason to live anymore.

i'm running hysterically around the house.
how to become immune with this humiliation?
i wonder how all those girls are able to immune themselves.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Saturday, June 8, 2013
we should not live to please humans.

the whole day i've been wondering why we should please humans.
so what? so that they will like you?
isn't it loving yourself that comes first?
how can you love yourself if you only live to please others?
what if you're doing something that you don't like just because you want to please them?
if one day eventually they will leave you, what are you gonna do?
it sounds so wrong, right? [nah, don't answer that]

and then i remembered this one quote that i've been ignoring this whole time.
it says, "Do not live to please others".

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Monday, June 3, 2013
how books inspire me.

what are books?
commonly, a book refers to glued papers which stick together as one.
but as for me, books are dead woods with minds written all over on it.

books never fail to give me inspirations.
i always daydream that at this age of mine, i want to work part-time at a library or a 'bookshop cafe' where i can spend most of my time with books while drinking coffee.
i love searching for books. sometimes it took me hours.

sometimes when i am unable to describe my thoughts with words, i found the exact words on books.
during that occasion, i would feel like, "I thought I was the only one!".

sometimes i will feel like i am the character in that novel.
the other day i read two novels about suicide among teenagers.
those kind of books caused me to love oldies songs by Bob Marley, John Green, and et cetera.
by that way, i could feel what the characters are going through.

these are some of the quotes that i love.

["For once the future seemed heavier than the past."]

["We all got to be winners sometimes. But what he didn't understand was that we all had to be losers, too. Because you can't have one without the other."]

["I don't know if it's possible to take hate away from people."]

["We do know that it's possible to change reality. It's hard, and most people won't bother to try, but it's possible."]

["The one lying beneath the stars and wishing things were different."]

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

i'm not turning dull. i'm just getting serious with life.

nope, i'm not turning into a dull person and yes, i am enjoying my life as it is right now.
it's just that i feel like i should get serious with my life already.
i've had enough wasting my life over nothing.
it's time to get something done for real.

it's like when you have already made tons of mistakes in the past, you should compensate it with good things that you're gonna do in the future.
it is the only way.

you might not understand what i am talking about right now but one day you will.

anyway, sis Ruby gave this cute pair of earrings.

how cute is that.
and yes, i borrowed these three interesting books that i would like to share.


[i found this which i can tell Anis adores so much. i don't know how to give this to her since we're far away]


[an interesting novel where the girl got killed and now she is watching how her murderer is trying to eliminate all the evidences]

last but not the least,

[the official framework that Stephenie Meyer did before writing her famous novels]

you may say "You Only Live Once" and "So just enjoy your life and let's get wasted because we are still teenagers!", but i refuse to believe that.
as long as i try, i will never live only once.
of course, i will live in this world's system only once but i still have another chance to live in a new world.

i can't deny the fact that i miss Anne.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Saturday, June 1, 2013
bad things come to those who are impatient

so today i officially finished doing my Moral course work.
due to my impatience to get rid of this from my desktop as soon as possible,
 i decided to punch the binding holes on my folio using our super old binder tonight instead of binding it at the shop tomorrow.

guess what happened?
a part of my folio got stuck inside that old binder.
guess what happened next?
i got impatient again and this happened.

[serves you right, old bindy]

this left me wondering "Am i still a girl?".
considering that i did that all by myself.

however, the most important thing is, that part of my folio which got stuck is not fully damaged.
in fact, it is very binded well!
too bad the old bindy went away too soon.

guess i'm just gonna wait until tomorrow.
if only that old binder is 100% functional.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

easy evil, hard good

fact is, i have problems. we all have problems.
the only thing that makes a difference is how we handle it.

i feel like killing myself yesterday and today and 24 hour every single of my day.
*banging my freaking head onto the wall*

i am actually a camwhore.
however, certain situations which are unfavorable to camwhore left me nothing but a sad expression.
like when too many people are staring at me and also when i looked like i wanted to be punched on the face.

[i cropped half of my face 'cause asal ada temasuk sikit pun ok suda]

i understand the courtesy to others is very important in our daily life.
it is not about what we will get in return.
it is always about what will makes us feel better.

it is very easy to do bad things like robbery or such things.
in the end, for some people, it will left them with guilt and sadness.
the happiness that they obtained is only temporary because money is temporary and this world's system is temporary.

however, have you ever wondered why it is very hard and difficult to do good things?
even though we know that after doing good deeds we will feel very happy.

i once heard about this Chinese proverb from my elementary English teacher.
it says something like, "It takes 3 years to become a good person, but it takes only 3 days to become a bad person".
as for me, it takes only 3 minutes to become a bad person. or even 3 seconds.
because whenever you have the thought to do something bad in 3 seconds, you will immediately do it.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-