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Sunday, July 28, 2013
majorities and minorities.

last Friday i learned a lot about how minority and majority votes works.
our Maths teacher gave us Paper 1 to solve and discuss together. she wanted each of us to get 40/40.
during discussing, there was this one question where only me and Muqib answered A.
the rest of them said it was B and they were so certain and even gave explanations of why. 
we also gave our own explanations but they still refused to believe the two of us.

when our teacher already corrected the paper, the result was 39/40.
and it happened to be true that the real answer to that one particular question was A.
but don't get it wrong. i am just taking this story as an example that we can relate to our real life situations.
the real point of why i retell this story is because it amazed me of how majority of people can also be WRONG even if they thought that they were RIGHT.

even if majority of people are against you, that still doesn't mean that they're absolutely right and you're absolutely wrong.

i've been facing those majorities who claimed that they were absolutely right even if they don't have the BRIEFEST explanations of why they called themselves 'righteousness'.
i have encountered them for countless of times already.
they will still refuse to believe in you and accuse you of being ego even though they should know that they are the ones who actually have bigger egos in them.
regardless of what the minorities say, the majorities still think that they are true and they begin discriminating the minorities.
this happens in every aspect of life and you should just face the music.

what minorities can do is just sit down, relax, and indulge in watching the fools making fun of themselves.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Thursday, July 25, 2013
it is not because of me but i will let it go :)

today i found out that actually it was not even my fault in the first place as they claimed to be.

well, you never told me about the real feelings you had for him just like 'best friends' do.
if you do tell me, i will surely keep a distance from him. that is an obvious thing.
however, fact is, you never did told me and i was clueless as a blank sheet of white paper.

the weirdest thing was, you told him that you were jealous of him and me sharing secrets privately. 
you didn't told me about that either.
i HONESTLY didn't know that you actually cried about it. again, i was clueless about it.
but today i just knew about it and i was left dumbfounded.
"Whattttttt?" was the only word i thought a few hours ago.

i knew it was wrong for me to tweet about you on Twitter but i tweeted nothing untrue bad things about you.
i remember i tweeted to Anis something like, "Kalau dia mau layan sa, layan la. Tiada juga orang mau paksa kan :D" 
i knew it was also maybe my fault for saying that .... ?
but that statement is very true. why would i need to force people? a true friend always come with willingness. if you're unwilling, then i will say nothing about it.
and why would i hold back my honest thoughts? it is better than being a hypocrite, right?

plus, is it called 'talking behind someone's back' if i tweeted it publicly?
i thought you're just so sensitive and i really thought eeeeverything was my fault.
so i texted you to apologize and that you could hate me and i will not care because i knew it was my fault in the first place.
but then you did not even reply.
i take that as a conclusion that you did not want to forgive and forget.

but now i know the truth that lies underneath all of these.
it is not because of me, it is because of your dishonesty with your desires and your exceeding jealousy.

just now i was like, "I knew it wasn't my fault in the first place! So why people keep on blaming me?".

whenever i left people speechless, they will always say that i am EGO and that i always wanted to win.
fact is, to win an argument is NOT my goal. people just have to successfully prove to me that i was wrong and correct me. but they failed to do so as they are unable to answer all the questions that popped in my head.
in the end, they judged me as a person who has a very very big ego that never want to lose in an argument.

if you think i am wrong, politely point out my mistakes and give reasonable answers.if you can't even do that, then why do you think you can keep on blaming me?

anyway, back to the story, if all of these are caused by your jealousy, then all of these are all about you.
you jealousy is not caused by me. i did not even know your jealousy had achieved that level until now.

sure, you can tell everyone that i tweeted about you on Twitter,but don't forget to tell them that the real cause for all of these was because of your jealousy.

nevertheless, i am just releasing my thoughts of the day, not wanting to hurt or harm anybody.
i have recently learned to just let it go. let the past go.
if people want to hate you because of the reasons that they CREATED by themselves, then go on.
but just don't go beyond my level of patience because right now i am still trying to stand back up again and try the next step towards a better life.

i stopped caring about things that did not matter anymore, for instance, about this case.
it is okay to lose a bestfriend if it is not because of me but because of her own willingness.

but it is ok :D
i will not hate neither despise you.
i will let eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeverything go.
masing-masing punya hal hee.

all i care now is about my FUTUUUUUURE.
oh my gosh i only have barely THREE MONTHS LEFT.
SPM is a between life and death situation.
it is either i learn swimming or die sinking.

i only want 7A's. trust me. i want nothing more.
7A's is enough. actually it is more than enough.
i am dying to get 7A's right now so please do not disturb me and cause unnecessary riddles in my brain.

i know even if i beg to our Creator for thousands of times to get 7A's, it will still not happen if i did not put my FULLEST efforts in this.
i was like, "Come on, Feo! This is your last shot!! Just like the previous 5 Emerald's motto, 'Run for victory and make history' !".

to sum all of these, i am actually quite suprised that i finally able to let these unnecessary things go away.
usually, the old me will not be able to control the anger and went all amuk.
but this time, it is ok.
you hate me or you love me, i am still in your mind in both ways.
so feel free to hate and love :D

even if you hate me, nobody will get angry.
just go on~ be jealous of me if you want~ live your life that is filled with hatred~ gain satisfications by cursing and wishing my years to be sucks~ begin your day by imagining my face and puke~ whatever it is~ i don't care as long as it will help me to get what i want which is 7A's.

i don't usually do this but i am learning to be girly now so,
much love, XOXO ♥

uh oh, my thoughts are still leaking out from my brain.

[this is very relateable]

i don't know but i like this feeling of changing.
i like this feeling when you don't have that constant hatred in your mind.
that you just want to let everything go and when you did, it is just like the whole world has been lifted from your shoulder.

i think i learned a lot from Lindy Tsang, also known as Bubzbeauty.
she gave me lots of inspirations.
even if she gained popularity and have bigger opportunities, but she did not take it for granted.
she even rejected the life opportunities that she was offered just to lead a normal and humble life.
just like her, i am also "willing to try, and willing to learn".

whenever i think i am big, i will look at the universe.
whenever i think i am small, i will look at the ants.
the real meaning : let's just stay humble.

i need to mention that when people smile or wave at me,
don't call me arrogant because i am really SHORT-SIGHTED!
i still don't want to wear spectacles.

whenever people are talking to me and they thought that i ignored them and didn't even look at their ways,
don't feel that way!
it is just that during that time i only have lots of thoughts swirling in my brain.
i swear i did not purposely ignore you.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Friday, July 19, 2013
life and death decision

i barely have enough time to blog since it's roughly THREE MONTHS left!
i am so gonna die out of unreadiness caused by this unmotivated self.

can i just freeze time and unfreeze it whenever i'm ready?

whenever people ask me, "What do you want to be?", i sometimes want to answer "I want to be happy!" because everything is uncertain but they would not understand so i often say "I don't know yet".
the uncertainties had just killed all of my dreams.

even if you're dreaming hard and you are certain that one day you will become a lawyer or doctor or etc., but life does not give you a guarantee.
things can change.
there will be some point in your life that will be your turning point.
during that time, only then you will realise that nothing is ever certain.
things can change easily even if it is the slightest.

that is why, i don't know what i want to become.
i am afraid if i put too much hope in something, it will someday disappoint me.

but i do hope that things will go smooth for me.
i will climb the highest mountain [metaphorically] just to make sure that when i am sitting in that big examination on November, nothing bad will happen to me that will 'cause me troubles in the future.

i am trying my best enough right now.
because i know if i didn't do my best, i will end up depending on my mom for money and i don't want that to happen.

even if i don't achieve flying colours, ah well, at least i can scream to the world that i've tried my best.
i know that so far, this is not the best i can do. i know i can do better but the problem with me is, i am getting LAZY.
i suddenly became a good procrastinator.
sometimes i lay around on my bed, daydreaming. sometimes i play meaningless games that will give me no benefits at all in the future. often i waste most of my time playing with my lil bro.

when the teachers gave their advices and motivation, i was motivated enough to do things as best as i could during the moment.
however, as soon as i got back home, i will feel dizzy and end up sleeping from 3PM until 9PM.
bath, eat, waste time, and sleep again at 11PM until 5.25AM and then go to school.

i really don't know what to do.
i can never stay motivated long enough and nothing seems to be able to help me.

i am getting more stupid.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Monday, July 8, 2013
to my dearest second so-called-sister and old man.

yes, second so-called-sister, i hope you will have a bright future with attitude like that.
let's just hope that you don't actually got expelled from UMS and hope that you'll not only depend on your parents' money.
i should give a big applause to you for being able to stay as the 'VICTIM' and oh you should teach me on how to put such innocent face infront of the police officers and also infront of your parents.
i should give a big applause to your boyfriend for being able to stand with your 'sweet' attitude.
i know he sees a lot in you [which i will never be able to understand what until the death of me].

you told them that i was the one who provoked you first even though you were the one who accused me of stealing your things for many times.
i've been staying super silent and i ignored you patiently for TWO WEEKS.
it's like living TWO THOUSAND YEARS in hell. every night i try to study, you will mumble alone because you are not satisfied with MY ADVICES for you which i mentioned in the previous post.

you told them that i didn't answer when you asked where your novel was.
I DID. please do ask my little brother as he was your messenger during that time.
even he knew that you were the one who started this fight first.
when i said i don't know, which i honestly don't know, you said, "Pura-pura tida tau"

and yes, dearest parents, you only care about your money.
you accused me of calling the police even though i didn't.
you don't care about your children, but only your precious precious $$.
you're scared of getting sued that's why right now you're angry at me and you tried to deny as best as you could that you have never hit me before. ha.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

why parents blame children?

for this whole 7 months of 2013, i've been cowering behind a thick mask.
i said my dad was actually nice and it's just that we all have our own dark sides.
i tried to believe that because i tried to at least live in peace for this whole year.
until i realised that i can no longer hide behind this mask.
i can no longer believe all the positive lies i've been telling myself.

once you've reached your parenthood, that doesn't mean you will never make mistakes.
i can accept that.
but as for this case, which involved violence, i can no longer accept.
you're a parent. that doesn't mean you can never make mistakes. that doesn't mean you are always right.

you accused me of doing something i never did.
you even used violence against me, but not to the other party.
i really wonder why that it left me screaming until i can no longer feel myself.
you're trying to turn me into an evil species like you. i tried not to fall, but as i was provoked yesterday, my goal to be a better person fell hard.
i will not speak further about the incident yesterday, because it will bring nothing but only dissatisfaction.

now you blame me for becoming who i am.
children are like a dough, and the parents are the one who will shape the dough.
seriously, why blame children for having that kind of shape if you are the one who shaped it?
can a dough shape itself? obviously, NO.
it's like saying, "I hate your shape even if I am the one who shaped it, therefore you shall be blamed".
in this incident, it says, "You're a bad kid even if I am the one who did not show a good role model, hence you still should be blamed for becoming who you are regardless of your family's background".

people without common sense claimed repeatedly that they have the qualities to be acknowledged as people with common sense.
thanks to God, i have at least minority of people in my life to help me stand up again.
i don't really care if you call me crazy because i am still SOBER enough to know that i've been living in a house filled with psychos.

i told myself before to not let things like this happen again but here it goes again.
i found out that when you keep your anger bottled up inside for too long, the bottle will sure expode with magma one day.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-