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Friday, February 28, 2014
say something 'cause i'm giving up on you.

have you ever had your every hope and dream crushed into pieces?
if you were in my shoes, you'd feel how broken you are by the time you heard the news.

you're supposed to be back on last year's December.
now you're supposed to be back on 25th February.
but none of it ever happened.
a voice inside me somehow told me that it will never happen.
not in a year,
not in a few years,
not in a thousand years,
never forever.

all the promises to watch the sunset together. 


all the promises to visit beautiful places together.

all the promises to watch puppies grow up together.

you said you'd bring me up on a hill just to watch the starry night. 

we'd watch movies together.
funny how i kept the movie Titanic.
funny how i'm still waiting.

we'd have long road trips together.

why would you seek for problems when you know that the day was so near?
it's almost there, yet you never came.
oh, will you ever come back home?

this was not supposed to happen.
this should never happen.
but it happened,
and we can't change that back.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Wednesday, February 26, 2014
just another nightmare

it was a summertime nightmare where i went out from the door.
the sky outside was so dark as if in purpose to let the stars shine.
as the lamp post illuminates the shape of a person holding on to a bicycle, he smiled.

it was just another nightmare, when i found out that the stars were no longer visible.
but the moon was so full and bright, so it was even.
then there will come the shape of a person, walking casually near the woods, towards me.

but then i woke up and found out that all of these are just nightmares, never to be remembered again.
somehow, i still remember it and i won't be able to forget it.

it is fun to lie to me because i'm just a fool.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Sunday, February 23, 2014
how will they end up their life?

i never do care about these little things but,
most statistics stated that a bunch of losers in high school will end up in early marriages, early pregnancies, failure in employement (unless you're rich), and to sum up all of these, to fail in everything that they do in the future because of KARMA :)
i don't believe what the Buddhists believe, but i believe that what goes around will come around and i refer to that as karma.

now we all ought to see how they will end up their life with.
some might be sad (because they're already from a sad family), some might be happy (because, yeayy!, finally they have a little life to live and no more time to talk about other people)

hmm, sometimes i feel that people like these who have no passion to anything don't deserve to live in this evil world. because they deserve lot worser than that.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Wednesday, February 12, 2014
I am willing to TRY, willing to LEARN, willing to IMPROVE myself :D

earlier this year, i participated in an exhibition of New Talents at Sabah Art Gallery.
i did not have the confidence because i thought, "I'm just a small town girl. A no one. Not even an ounce of talent. Why would they put up my paintings on a exhibition?"
it was my eldest sister who encouraged me to join this. she even bought me acrylics, crayons and such things.
that was when i was determined to try because we never know, right?

blame it on the old discouraged me, i finished five paintings at the very last minute.
weeks after that, i got a phone call from the art gallery and they told me to send my biodata and description of the pictures and also my passport-sized picture.
i thought that everyone who send their paintings will be accepted so i thought it was very normal lah.
yesterday i got a phone call from the art gallery, telling me to take my certificates and catalogue.
i was like, "Okay, a certificate. Everyone who participated will get that. Nothing special".

this afternoon, i got a phone call from my eldest sister, telling me that actually the paintings were chosen.
not everyone who submit their paintings will be taken.
the first filter, three of my paintings out of five were chosen.
the last filter, two out of three paintings of mine were chosen.

i am VERY happy and excited at the same time.
my paintings are very normal. nothing that can amuse people.
however, i still have lots of rooms to improve and all that is important is my passion.

i am willing to try and willing to learn!
what Confucius said was true!

"“The will to win, the desire to succeed, the urge to reach your full potential… these are the keys that will unlock the door to personal excellence.” – Confucius"

[my own personal space :) ]

just like the bird, i am ready to spread my wings before morning arrives.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Sunday, February 9, 2014
i hate thieves and burglars.

my mom's cousin passed away yesterday.
it was almost his father's 100th day but then he got attacked by a stroke.
i feel sad but i tried not to think much of it as my mom showed me his pictures on Facebook.

my mom was very persistent to drive to Ranau all alone although i objected.
i asked why not bring dad along and she said "Who will take care of the house and you guys?"
we could just stay over our aunt's place which is just 30 metres away but i don't want to disturb them.

my mom told me to take a day off to take care of my lil brother.
leaving my lil bro all alone at home is so dangerous!
he can't even cook and take a bath by his own because very spoiled one.

i always have this phobia of not knowing where my lil bro is.
i don't even know why. i'm always afraid that he's missing.
am i the only one who is in this situation?!

we went to an event at Tenom once and my lil bro met his old friends.
they took him somewhere i don't know.
i was restless so i ended up searching for him everywhere only to find him playing football with them.
it's like i want to say "Just sit down and don't go anywhere!" but Tumblr said "Strict parents cause sneaky kids".

what am i rambling about?

anyway, i feel so bad because i've been excused for so many times already.
hence, i decided to not take any offdays for this upcoming four weeks.
i can't just rely on people to give me excuses. in fact, I MUST WORK HARDER!

i feel so unsafe and insecure living in this house.

i hate thieves and burglars.
why are they trying to take somebody else's things?!
people also work hard to buy those things. they can't just steal them!
they should learn to get things through the hardest way as not to cause troubles to other people.
go work at restaurants lah ba instead of stealing other people's hard works.

do you think you're the only one who lives in poverty?
do you really think some other people in the world are not in the same situation as you?
can you believe that even if they're in the same situation, they DON'T STEAL.
they work hard. even harder to get fresh water.

when you steal, you laugh while other people grieve to death.
you just caused deaths.
you are heartless.
you are not humane.
your heart is as hard as a stone.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Saturday, February 8, 2014
i appreciate all the things that i have right now ♥

ever since last year, i will always capture pictures of wonderful moments.
there were hundreds of them.
the pictures of the lights out and the neighbour outside was still working, pictures of starry night sky, pictures of the moon, fireworks, my lil brother, puppies that didn't manage to survive, mornings of SPM, lonely nights where people were sleeping, me waking up at 3AM just to study for the exam, and lots of things that are memorable.

guess what?
all of them are accidentally DELETED.

do you know how my heart breaks?
it's not even similar to a glass that was smashed on the floor anymore.
it's more like a big explosion that left not a scar but a very big wound.
it scattered my heart into pieces, burnt me into ashes.

those pictures sum up my journal of growing up life.
so that when i look back, i will remember those moments.
because there are some things that i just can't remember and can't recall just like these past few years.

i thought to myself that when i die, this will be a memento.
what if i accidentally die soon?
then people will be able to look through bits of my life.
what if i grow old to soon?
then my children and probably grandchildren will be able to take a grasp of what it feels like to live in this era.

i even decided to show all of them to the boyfie.
to share those moments that we can't be in together.
much to my dismay, that dream of mine will never be accomplished.

imagine that i've been capturing pictures for TWO freaking YEARS and now it's all gone!
my journal of life is gone and there's nothing left but an EMPTY journal.
thus, i can do nothing but to fill them up again.

[7AM view in the morning of my working day.]

[chewing gums and a pen from Japan :) ]

[teaching lil bro so that he can get number one in class again :D ]

i really really do appreciate all the things that i have right now.
ever since i started working, i have a complete different view of life right now.
i remembered the old me who was very ungrateful. i admit i was an ungrateful little brat.
i always went against my parents, especially my mom.

however, right now i have seen lots of sadness that i would like to help but can't.

i saw blind people working for a living.
it makes me wonder, what it feels like when you wake up in the morning and you realise that what you saw is all black. it's like BLACK OUT but this one is a permanent one. you will never see anything.
imagine working and meeting new people that you can't even see their faces, you just knew their name.
you must be wondering what their face will look like or you'll judge what they looked like by hearing their voices.
imagine hearing fireworks during festive seasons. you must be dying to see them.
all these thoughts that i always mull in my brain after seeing the real world are killing me.
almost brought me to tears but i can't cry and i don't know why.

earlier this morning, our customer was a deaf and mute person.
we tried as best as we could to help him.
i felt like cursing this EVIL world as he unrolled a paper and brought out an old phone.
he wrote on a paper to tell us what he needed.
he told us that he bought that phone for RM150 and we found out that the 3G wasn't working.
makes me wonder : did a stone-hearted person cheated him to buy that phone?

all these things that i saw, made me feel like i really should be grateful of what i have right now.
i should be very thankful that my parents and siblings are all fine.
i should appreciate of what i have right now.
i don't know if being appreciative is enough to keep what i have right now.
one day, the things that i have right now will be gone and i don't want to live when that day comes.

this person here helped me to go through every single day.
through the worst and through the best.

sure there were lots of mistakes in the past but the future is what matters.
if the past is broken, then the future can fix it.

i feel like screaming, "SKYPE IS NOT ENOUGH!"

sometimes annoying,

sometimes irritating,
sometimes very clingy,
but very loving for most of the time .

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Tuesday, February 4, 2014
i should've known to never trust outsiders again.

i've been really busy and exhausted that i barely have enough time to blog.
i used to be an active blogger where i often update my blog.
sadly my time is packed nowadays.
i sleep for the rest of the day after working from 8AM to 6PM.
[actually, i'll be on call for minimum one hour after working. because, well, you know ♥... HAHA ]

yes, i've been working for SIXTEEN days.
[sweet sixteen?]
new record for me.
first experience, first official job.

i don't want to sound like an ungrateful little brat, but i do hope that someday between these few months, i'll be able to get another job as a clerk.
whoever on Earth would not go after for the best offer?
if the best offer is not in my hands, i might as well continue with my current job.

life has been good, except for the fact that i accidentally saw an email called "thatoldfartwomanisidiot@gmail.com" before signing in Blogger using this Admin PC.
seriously, that left me speechless because how could a 23++ years old adult call her mom like that?
i don't even know and i don't even understand how 'adult' she could be.

i tried to tell her to stop being rude towards my mom because my little brother saw it all and he might get influenced by it.
act like an older sister lah instead of a baby, right?
whoever on Earth would agree that it's okay to call our own mother an idiot?
if you do agree, then you must have been brought up in a very awful condition and so i pity you.

however, i learned my lesson last year that that kind of person will never realise what's wrong in cursing her own mother.
i also remembered to never trust OUTSIDERS ever again, which i almost did after i started working.
i should never trust the same person ever again.
i should put up a wall and put a distance to never get near.
oh gosh, how come i only remember this now?
should've done this earlier because you never know what they might do to betray you.

i also noticed that some of the clothes from my wardrobe are missing and it causes me to become very suspicious.
you know how that feels when someone you dislike get through your wardrobe and grab anything that he/she likes.
oopss, no offence, but if the shoes fit, why not?

i tried hard not to write awful negative remarks, but some people around me cause it hard to do.
however, i am still gonna try.

10:10PM. good night little humans :)

♥ Ian Smith Walter ♥

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-