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Saturday, March 29, 2014
SPM result and i've grown tired towards EVERYTHING.

i barely update this blog lately.
maybe it's because i've grown tired to it [the thing that the younger me would have denied!] or maybe it's because i need sometime to get my pieces of life together.

accepting someone back into your life will never be as easy as you thought it was.
again, i reminded myself that nothing good ever comes easy.

honestly, i've grown tired of the tuition that i once was very enthusiastic about.
i currently have four pupils, i rejected three pupils who would like to join.
because why? because i've grown TIRED to it!
i've grown tired towards EVERYTHING!

i was then told by someone that i should not grow tired to things that will benefit me.
can't i just have a relaxing life just like most of my friends' ?
most of them only have to sit down, relax, and enjoy themselves while i need to work my ass off.
sometimes i think this isn't fair.
sometimes i started to hate my life.
i just want to have a peaceful life, a relaxing life, where i do not need to force myselft, my own body, to its limits.

my SPM result isn't as good as i want it to.
i promised to myself that i will not show any sign of despair or sadness because i've done my very best. hence, i should not regret.
i didn't get straight As but i managed to achieve 10As.
*resisting every inch of myself from feeling regret*

life isn't as good as i thought it will be.
it became more tiring, more exhausting, and more challenging.
sometimes i managed to stay positive, but there were times when i lost my temper.
i need to rest for MONTHS!
i want to sleep TWO WEEKS NONSTOP!

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Thursday, March 20, 2014
one normal day. [UPDATED]

so the other day i went to Kota Kinabalu.
i only have the chance to talk about it today because you know i was exhausted working for these two months.

it was actually my first time alone.
 usually i'll be accompanied by my sister but that day i went all by myself.

i was about to go towards the bus. 
i picked up my bag and it accidentally hit the glass which was on my table.
the glass was shattered into pieces and the pieces were on the floor.
and everyone was looking at me.

why me?!!?! WHYYY!!
*falls to knees while tearing hair*

[before the glass was broken]

i swear it was an accident!
can you imagine how embarassed i was?
luckily, the cashier was my friend....so all was fine... i managed to get away ASAP. LOL

as soon as i arrived, guess which was the first place i was brought to?

[me and le eldest sister]

Sabah Art Gallery!

[my paintings which i talked about previously!]


i was actually fascinated of how it ended over there.
actually i am still not satisfied with those paintings.
i regret doing them at the very last minute!

there were lots of paintings over there which are far better than mine.
at that time i felt very inferior that i just want to grab down my paintings and hide them somewhere.

 [old and eldest]

must.......... CAMWHORE!!


[i need a relaxing place like this right now.....]

 i do not know why but i like this picture :


more than this :


even though in Picture #1, the view of the sunset was blocked by people, but i prefer it better than Picture #2.
i am still trying to figure out why though.

[i was like "Let's go play water!!", but then.... nope.]

slowly, the sun started to disappear from sight.
it's kind of sad.
but the stars are coming, so it was even :D

[suprisingly, my sisters booked a hotel]

[karaoke comes first]

[camwhore before bath]

[movies and chips]

[morning camwhore]

 [the man on the left looked like the one on the board. oh wait...... he's the real one.]

 [time to go home!]

i only got to update this today and today is Thursday and i already got my SPM result!
will talk about it later, i am sleepy.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Friday, March 14, 2014
i am so indecisive *sigh*

i do have a lot of things to say but save it for later.

i planned to quit my job on 18th March 2014.
[it's been two months]
i really love working at there but then my time became very limited.
i have barely enough time for myself to go to pray, my family, and also my pupils.

sometimes i got so tired that i straightly went to sleep after going back home.
as a result, sometimes my mom was the one who helped me with my laundries.
i barely have enough time for entertainment [such as watching animes, movies and sleep late at night].

a few days ago, i thought of quitting the tuition as my time is very limited.
plus, i don't have any offdays left.
but something changed my decision.

today a woman went to the shop to search for me and asked me to let both of her children join my tuition.
she said they can only go to tuition on Sundays.
i couldn't make it on Sundays because i've skipped going to pray for one month already.
[it has been proven that by not going to pray, i became more worldly-like and made lots of mistakes]
hence, i rejected that very precious offer.
[........my... precious...... *Lord of The Rings*]
she told me to rethink about my decision because they wanted it so bad.

when i think about it deeply, i decided that i should work on this tuition instead.
going to work at 11AM until 9PM has been a hassle to my friends, and is a hassle to me too.

sleep at 10PM, wake up at 7AM, go to tuition at 8AM, go to work at 11AM, go back home at 9PM.
most of my days have suddenly become tiring because of the existence of the tuition.
i don't want to live lifelessly and meaninglessly like that.
hence, this is my decision and i haven't told my parents yet because they will obviously object this.
"You never try, you never know", right?

on the dark side, i don't have the confidence that this tuition will expand.
for the 100000000th thought, i think that i will try this tuition thing for a while.
if it's not working and became very inconvenient for me, i will stop it and go apply to work at the previous shop again.
yes, i can see the future me quitting the tuition and starting to work back at the shop.
*sigh* i am so indecisive.

although i feel a little afraid of how wrong this decision is,
i will learn and i will definitely give it a try.

even if i went back home at 5PM, right now i feel sleepy already.
i have to make preparations for tomorrow's tuition!

...........im gonna sleep first.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Wednesday, March 5, 2014
i don't choose to be sad.

"Another shot of whiskey please, bartender. Keep it coming 'till I don't remember at all"- Christina Aguilera

i know better now that by being drunk, it won't make things any better tomorrow.
surely you'll forget everything for one night. but what about the next day?
trust me, you'll feel completely empty and miserable.

my dad once told me never to love something too much because when it is gone, i'll be the one who screwed up.
now i understand what it means.
but things have happened, and i can't change it back.
can we seriously change our own feelings?

i'm feeling unwell right now.
let's hope it'll be over tomorrow.

"Good Morning"“How was your day?”“Be careful”“Text me when you get home so I know you’re safe”“Sweet dreams”“How are you?”“I hope you’re feeling better”“Have a good day today!”“I miss you”“Good night”“Can you come over?”“Can I come over?”“Can I see you?”“Can I call you?”“You’re beautiful”“Want something to drink?”“Watch your step”“Let’s watch a movie”“What are you up to?”“How is your day so far?”“It will be okay”“I’m here for you”“Do you need anything?”“Are you hungry?”“I just wanted to hear your voice”“You just made my day”

i want text messages like those above.
i never had someone to send me messages like that.
fairy tales have happy ending, do they?

people might feel a little bit nauseatic reading all these broken hearted posts.
do you think i choose to be sad?
i can't help but being sad because right now, for the first time in my 18 years of living, i feel so fragile and vulnerable.
how every word from you can make me burst into pieces.

no new text messages for two days.
no phone calls.
not answering my phone calls.
not replying my text messages.

what are you up to?

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-