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Sunday, June 29, 2014
i am not a quitter.

somebody should slap the hell out of me!
slap me for many freaking times just to remind of who i am, where i am, and what am i doing?!

i mean, i shouldn't get attached to a person so easily every freaking time.

we're not even friends on Facebook.
[mainly because i unfriend that person HAHA]
but then that person never stalked me before.
if that person did, surely the action of me unfriend-ing that person will be noticed somehow.


i should stop this, get out of here, and get a life.
but then i was told "I will chase you if you go far away"
*screaming out loud because i am melting*
just. stop it. don't fall for a sweet-freaking-talker.

i should die at this moment somehow.

i feel guilty that instead of worrying other things, i just spent my time thinking over this whole thing.
i wasted my time.

i actually feel very stressed out about my piling up lab reports and assignments.
i feel like i am about to lose myself somehow.
imagining that at the end of semester, i would fail.
*literally crying hysterically*

yet, i never told anyone that i feel quite stressed over that because all they will say is the same freaking thing.
i know what i should do. it's just that i don't have the motivation!
if you have the idea to do something but you don't have the motivation to do so, that's just the same with driving but not turning on the engine. which also means, you won't get anywhere.

i am still trying out to figure out these stuffs.
sometimes i feel like quitting but hey, i am not a quitter.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Friday, June 27, 2014

i went back home last Wednesday because my grandmother passed away.
i sure feel sad but i never got the chance to get close with relatives on my mother's side.

anyway, i missed a total of THREE classes on Thursday and Friday.
i don't blame on that urgent situation but actually deep inside, i blamed it on me.
i feel regret, that i should've resisted myself and stayed at the dorm instead of going back to my hometown.
now look what i have done.

i am currently frustrated and bla bla bla because of this hormonal changes.
i feel so stressed that i sometimes feel like leaving my studies, but i reminded myself why did i hold on for so long.
i need the spirit to study.

right now i just feel like something is going wrong.
troubles will come after me.
something bad is gonna happen to me!

i have turned into a person that i said i wouldn't.
i started to become lazy, i started skipping works, life like this ain't fun, man.

at the end of the year, i will feel regret for not trying to hard.
man, i should've tried my very best.

Feo, get your shit straight!!

i just don't have the motivation to do so.
i need motivation.

i am still unclear about which degree course i would like to take but i am hoping for engineering right now because it's impossible for me to achieve higher than that.
very impossible.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Thursday, June 26, 2014
rapid hormonal changes = unknown emotional condition

i thought going back to my hometown would be the best solution ever.
but it is getting worse and i blame it 99.9% on my menstrual cycle syndrome.

i dont know but before this, i usually only get mad when im in my, uh you know, period.
today will be the second day and my emotional condition is getting worse.
since yesterday, i feel like getting angry, sad, happy and i was super frustrated over LITTLE things.
i was never like this before but then i am right now and i can't seem to find a way to make this stop.
i overthink more than usual, i feel like crying all the time, i feel like whining.
when i tried to make all these feelings go away, i would suddenly feel frustrated and i dont know, teary eyes and such.

i repeatedly ask myself,

sometimes i hate this rapid hormonal changes that caused me to become a very little fragile and sensitive girl.

i went back to my hometown last night because my great grandmother passed away.
i was happy to go back home too. well, a little.
but then, some things happened because of me and my overthinking brain.
it makes me feel like i want to go back to KK.
i dont want to be in this town. i hate my current changing emotional condition.

i let go of something precious to me.
i knew i shouldnt have started it if i knew that someday it will end.
but the hurt still strikes to my brain and i dont know how to make it stop.
maybe just by going far away from this town will make a difference.

i didn't know why he couldnt figure out what's going on with my emotional state.
why would i tell him that im having my period and he should not bother me at all.
does it need to be told? i dont think so. you figure out yourself.

i dont plan this to happen!
i never planned this before!
whenever i tried to stop all these over-flowing emotionals, i will feel frustrated instead.
and ended up feeling like crying.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Friday, June 20, 2014
mixed CDs with mixed emotions made me feel emotional.

i've been wanting to talk about this for a long time but i just can't seem to find the right words for it.

recently i've been seeing this one human.
we've known each other for only like two or three months so i don't really know what kind of person he is.
although he is not my ideal guy, but i think he is nice.
however, yeah i don't know what's he really like.

there is one problem. one huge problem for me.
i don't intend to be in a serious relationship because, hey i am still 18 years old.
but that's not actually the case.
the case is, we do not have the same beliefs in religion.

what goes around comes around, you know.
i once said that i am never gonna get emotionally involved with people who have different beliefs about religions.
but look at me now. i am about to get attached to some human that i can't be with.

i mean, what's the point of being with a person when you know that one day it'll end up bad?
i'm actually in a very fragile state where i easily got attached to people around me.
i wasn't like this before. this is so unlike me. but it is happening right now.

i told myself repeatedly that this is just a game i'm gonna play because i'm bored.
not forget to mention that he is still not over his ex.
although his ex cheated on him so badly two years ago, he still repeatedly told me about it.
about how badly he was hurt.
about how he always dreamed about it.

telling me things that i don't want to know.
telling me that they're still in contact, still chatting and still ... have feelings for each other.

it's not like i care.
don't you dare to have any assumptions about it.
i really don't care.
but then, John Green said, "It hurt because it mattered".

imagine. not being able to move on even after two years have passed by.
man, he must have loved that girl so much that they should've been back together.
i told him that and i said that i am just okay.
i knew he hesitated and there's a lie in his voice when he said, "No. I don't want to".

last night, he was talking about his ex again and he said, "If I said I didn't care anymore, it must be a lie."

*sounds of a mirror cracking*

do you know that feeling when you just want to explode, but you can't because you know you don't want to care but you actually care?
"Oh" was the only word i could say because why would i be fake and say "Hey if you still care about her, I don't care at all. Just pretend we've never met before!! :D "
it would be the biggest lie i made.

then again, i shouldn't have started this story.
i shouldn't have let that person to go into my life.
i just want to get away all these stuffs right now and sleep.

i will end it soon for one and all.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Sunday, June 15, 2014
some places in university that i love.

despite all the hardships in university, i found some places that are able to keep my mind in peace.

[a view from the highest block. i always went here when making a call]

[during the night. you could see half of the city. reality is more beautiful than in pictures]

[a day out with fellow ex-classmates]

[taking picture in the dark = no meaning]

[sitting on a bench below beautiful flowers. no, they're not bunga kertas]

[just chilling on my bed on a hot sunny day]

[life is good]

[view outside the window. imagine the view when it's night]

actually there's something that i have been meaning to blog about....
but i am not ready yet.
hehe :D

today i'll be going back to KK.
this is so sad. i don't want to leave Keningauuuuuuuuuu :'(

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

my two weeks life in the university.

[although i am not really in the happy mood, but let's just have this enthusiastic greeting]

i have been very busy for these past two weeks and the real classes have not started yet!
which means, starting from tomorrow, i am going to have classes from 8AM until 5PM.
but for these two weeks, we have two assignments already.
FML, right?

i wish i was a billionaire. then i would drop out from university and enjoy every little bits of my life.
but that fantasy would never exist.
how i wish i could just win a lottery from STC or TOTO 4D and etc.
*cries a river of tears*

before that, i don't think i have explained well about my life in the university.
so far, things are quite satisfying because there's a speedy WiFi at the cafeteria [but sadly not in dorms].
some classes are canceled because we need to wait for the second intake students [but i learned that we're going to have extra classes in return].

life in the university is going to be HARD if you are unable to adapt yourself well.
i am not very homesick anymore.
when i feel homesick, i never cry. instead, i'll just feel empty and ended up not being able to sleep.
do you understand how lonely it is to wake up all alone in the middle of the night?

good thing is, since our programme is "3 Semesters in 1 year", we're not recommended to join any co-curricular activities.

my roommates are cool and i am grateful for that.
sadly, if she managed to get placed in IPG, she will immediately move out.

[me and Ani]

[Fifi and Ani]

[me and Ana]

[Ani and me]

one thing i'm gonna complain about is the distance between our dorm and the place where we have our lecture is very ..... far.
i could almost kill myself in anguish.
you go to the class in sweat, you go to the cafeteria to eat in sweat, you go back to class in sweat, you go to the bus stop in sweat, you arrived at your dorm in sweat.
that's my daily life.

KK is so damn freaking HOT.
the highest temperature i have experienced during the NIGHT is 32 celcius or something.
imagine the temperature during the day.

anyway, what i have learned from these past two weeks is about INDEPENDENCE.
nobody will do things for you over there.
you do things for yourself.

i had the hard time studying because i felt like sleeping all the time!

sometimes i feel depressed about that but i can't seem to be able to lift up my mood to study.

[Physics, we meet again]

i think it is because that one thing which i am going to blog about soon.
it is very disturbing and it disturbs me every single freaking day.
i don't know how to deal with this!

now i understand how true elders can be because they have experienced stuffs like that.
elders will not say things if they do not know a thing about it.
now i believe.

[the library is huge and i LOVE it. i could drown myself in it if there are lots of good books around]

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-