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Thursday, August 28, 2014
what is happening in my life

life has been fine, lately.
actually it scares me a little because nothing ever goes right in my life if there is nothing bad that will happen in return.

it's unbelievable when our life just changes without us realising it.
i still can't believe that i am here, living far away from my hometown, trying to survive.
although early this year, it has been my biggest dream to live far away from my own home.
now i am here, i am in peace, but somehow i can't deny that i misses home.

sure, i don't feel homesick anymore because three months has passed and the longest i spent my time here without going back home is one month.
i don't feel homesick but somehow this feeling of wanting to be at home is still there, demanding to be felt.

i know i did very bad on my midterm, i am not sure about my final.
i should feel very determined and motivated right now but i dont.

here's the story. i fell asleep during Biology lecture yesterday.
it's not because i want to. it is very unintended because i am only human.
phsychologically, it works that way.

but then i got told off by the lecturer [which is not my greatest pleasure] because i fell asleep.
i'm like, "What? What is the baddest thing I have ever done to you?".
there were lots of people that fell asleep and it is not fair when i was the only one who got told off.
it's not like i did something bad, for an instance, mocking her or making sounds during the lecture.
it's not like i always go to her lecture very late.
i didn't do those unethical things at all. i just simply fell asleep without wanting to. that's all.
as much as i tried to open my eyes, they just couldn't.

i know i should just go to the toilet and freshen up or something but the seats were packed.
it would be a hassle to the people that sat beside me because they would have to move in order for me to go to the toilet and they'll get distracted too.

then the lecturer asked my name, whether i want listen her lecture or not and such things.
i don't think it is fair to humiliate someone like that. infront of one hundred students or more.
isn't it normal for students to fall asleep for a while?
it's not like i fell asleep for the whole two hours of lecture.
it's not like i am not learning anything.
other people intentionally did things that are worser than i did.
yet, they never got told off because of that.

it is still unfair.

this incident makes me feel very down.
i feel very down.
you're just being mean.

and there were several goody goody people who looked at me as if i just killed somebody.
i just fell asleep for a while, for heaven's sake!
i was like, "Oh you look at me like that as if you're the greatest living creature on earth. Let's see if you can get 4.00 GPA by the end of semester."

i hate being surrounded by judgemental people.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Saturday, August 16, 2014
i blame it on The Vampire Diaries

i feel terrible about my midterm.
very. terrible.

remember when our first day entering the university?
we all were like, "I will struggle to death to get good pointers".
however, as time passes by, everyone starts to find their hobbies and started to neglect going to lectures.
some even copy and paste tutorials, some didn't try their best although they could.
harsh fact? i am becoming one of them.....

i freaking blame it on The Vampire Diaries!
[oh my gosh, DAMON SALVATORE IS HOT! back off. he's mine.]
i have Season 1 until Season 2 and i can't stop myself from watching it!
it is so freaking good and i am addicted to it like a person who's smoking weed and high and can't stop.
except, this is not a weed. this is a freaking vampiric drama series.
this is way better than Twilight. much BETTER.

so i came to a resolution that i will only watch one episode per day.
like the quote, "An apple a day, keeps the doctor away".
oh you know what's gonna happen next.
i broke the rules. i ended up watching half season for one whole freaking day.
for mom can't see what i am doing, she's unable to remind me every day to study.
hence, this addiction becomes harder to stop.

i need to stop.
for this midterm, i can tell that my pointer is only 2.5.
i am about to cry my ass off because of that.

good news?
final is coming up in three freaking weeks.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

we all are struggling to live.

suddenly a bitter realization comes to me.
all of us will never stop struggling in life to survive.
in fact, as long as we are living, we will always have to struggle.

i remember back when i was a kid, i thought to myself that one day, i would never have to study anymore.
i will only enjoy my life to the fullest. run free like there's no tomorrow. travel across the sea.
little did i know that after school, you'll have to struggle to get good pointer in the university/college and after 5 years or so, you'll struggle to get a job. when you do, you'll still struggle waking up in the morning to go to work. in your workplace, you'll have to struggle for a lot more things. i can't imagine.
that's when real life begins because after you get married, you'll have more burden and you need to struggle more for your family and children.

i feel sad.
i really thought that one day i would not have to think about the world "struggle" when i reached adulthood later.
a thunderbolt strikes my brain.
i soon realised that we all are struggling to live.
it is just a never ending cycle and i am starting to become clueless about our purpose to live.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-