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Friday, September 26, 2014

All these never ending thoughts have been consuming the space in my brain.
It's like I'm feeling very melancholic everytime.
I feel sad, angry, mad, happy, nervous and all feelings at the same time.

Yeah, if you noticed, (which you probably wouldnt) I am blogging using my phone because these thoughts are overflowing.
It's like they are waiting to burst out anytime soon.
I can talk to no one about this because they just would not understand as I am unable to comprehend myself either.

Truth is, I cant figure it out myself.
Maybe I started damaging myself ever since I faced the situation where my whole hope, trust, expectation and innocence simply broke into pieces.
I am affected by the previous deep pain of being betrayed by someone I trust the most.
I am affected by the pain of being cheated on, being lied on.
I am affected by the pain of hoping too much and fall despair in disappointment.
I faced them all one at a time, I cant figure out why I am still one, and not broken into pieces yet.

The point is, those pains are what made me who I am right now.
I cant even figure out who I am anymore.
I started punishing myself.
I started to lose trust to people around me.
I started to do things that I knew are super bad but I did it anyway and I dont know why.

I stopped going to the meeting for four months already, and lemme tell you that I feel super guilty everytime.
I miss going to meetings.
I miss the friends that I have made there, oh they are so wonderful.

I started doing things that I once made an oath to myself that I wont.
I started ruining myself.
I do things that the younger me would never do.

Maybe we all are damaged, after all.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Monday, September 22, 2014
you don't deserve me.

tonight i found out that the person who i thought would never cheat on me, actually did.
it has been going on for a long time and i just found out about it.

maybe i was right on not trusting people, especially boys.
maybe it is not about me who have the issues.
maybe it is about them who have the lying issues.

i have been cheated for two years and at first i tried to give the 100th chance but then i realised that it was not worth it anymore, so i let it go.
i then started to build the trust back again towards people.
and then someone came along and just ruined it. ruined simply everything.

it wasn't my fault.
i was the one being treated as one of the products from Toys R Us.
yet, you dare say that you are the one being toyed.

you don't deserve me.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Sunday, September 21, 2014
a very gross post that no human beings should read.

unconsciously, i have put up a thick and tall wall.
i only realise it now.

after having a huge mental breakdown, the wound is still there.
it will always be there, waiting for the salt water to be poured on it.

last night, the old wound opened again.
it's not the same person but it's the same situation.
i'm sure that any girl in the same situation as mine would've done the same thing.

i am just not ready yet.
as gross as it sounds, i haven't really opened up my heart again.
tell me that i am too damaged already.
i have this big trust issues and i can't seem to go through it.

as a matter of fact, i have no real feelings or emotions for you.
all those are just a mask to cover up the old wound.
sometimes i thought you might have been different, but it turns out that you're just the same.

you lied, you covered it up, create another fake evidence and such things.
i can never understand why one girl is not enough for one dude.
maybe one true woman and a few bitches would be enough for dudes like you.

i have decided to turn off my emotions.
sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep.
and just drift away.

i just want to scream at the top of my lungs.
yet, i don't feel like talking to you.
i am done with those "Believe me, please" and such bullshits.
they ain't even real. they are just shits coated with sugar candy chocolate.
on the outside, it looks delicious but wait until you get the taste of it.

believe me, i have had enough that i could even distinguish between lies and facts.

for these past few months, i have done nothing but MISTAKES.
bad mistakes, bad decisions, still not a good story.
remember the quote saying "Bad decisions make good stories" ?
sure they make good stories for other people to talk about but no, they don't make good stories for you.
at nights you will lay wide awake regretting those bad decisions. it makes you feel miserable and depressed.
bad decisions are unhealthy and you should avoid it.
stay away from it as far as possible.

do not make a mistake twice because the second time is not a mistake already but it is a choice.
i regret making mistakes.

i am only human though.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Saturday, September 20, 2014
hibernating at my best

 i am so not gonna waste any second of my holiday!

so last night i watched again the movie "Friends With Benefits".
taught me some lessons about life.

hence, i am going to watch lots of movies and collect all of their awesome quotes.
i don't want this one week to end so fast...

yes, i wish...

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

one week holiday // vulnerable

i met my most favourite English teacher on the way back home just now.
from afar, i could recognize that it was her just by looking at the pretty hair.
we were both like very excited to tell stories.
plus, i have so many things to tell her but the bus was departing already so i need to get back to my seat.

talking about the final exam, huh.
i am glad it was over and now i am on my fullblast one week holiday without any work to think about!
[except for work outs. i've been doing squats lately. ahem. for pretty butt cheeks]

i love seeing the smiles on my friends' faces as some of them were from the Peninsular Malaysia.
they were very excited to go back home.
i put myself in their shoes and i know what it is like to be longing to go back home.
even though my hometown is just 3 hours from UMS, i still can feel that kind of homesick they were feeling.

finally, i've got plenty of time to talk about ME.
duh. what else do you expect from a blog that's entitled "Talking about my life" ?

first of all, i want to talk about how i don't have enough rest for this semester one.
i barely had enough time for myself.
lectures, tutorials, labs, assignments, PBL and such things were given to us continuously.
i can't even have a good night sleep as i always sleep late, thanks to those works.

after two torturing months of that, we were having our MidTerm Examination.
after that, the hectic weeks began again and soon after two months, we were sitting for Final Examination.
imagine how fast is that.

i have countless of sleepless nights.
i blame that for my dark circles!

i ain't complaining, though.
i learned that to survive, we need to adapt to our environment.
Lamarckism much?

the most important thing is, right now i am home and i am going to sleep like there's no tomorrow.
despite the fact that it is 12.30AM right now and i planned to watch movies until i die.

at nights like these, i am used to have three of my close friends nearby.
they are awesome and we would normally be talking about some stuffs right now while screaming and laughing until the humans living below our room chatted us "What are you guys doing?".

i remember those nights where i was fast asleep and forgot completely to chat him.
right now, i assume that he is fast asleep [maybe sleeping, maybe not] and i feel so alone.
mom, dad and little brother are sleeping too.
it feels lonely... makes me want to sulk [JK LOL]

my heart is breaking into two and i easily let myself get jealous.
this is very unusual for me.
sometimes if a person was in too pain by previous wounds, it leaves a big impact on them.
it makes them feel fragile and vulnerable.
maybe that is why i let myself become a person that lets herself care too much.

i told myself over and over again not to get ATTACHED!
still, i can't help it.
because sometimes if a person who used to be around you leaves, that person will leave a hole on your heart and you will feel very empty.


0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Monday, September 8, 2014
cool tutorial mates // final exam

i used to have lots of stuffs to talk about because i had plenty of time before.
but right now, i am just too busy and i guess people grow up.
even Xiaxue didn't update her blog as often as she did before anymore.

people grow up, people move on from their old life, they change.
that's the definition of evolution.
we adapt to changes around us, and we change too, in order to survive.

a little bit out of topic but i dont have time to deal with a shitty ex-friend like you.
you can hide your moments from me and other shitty things you did, i ain't even care.
lol. i don't plan to release my rage here.
but hey, go on and stuck yourself with the past. dwell yourself in it and have fun.
you suck.

just now i accidentally ate an octopus' eye and it felt horrible.
i saw the octopus' eye bulging out and i imagined that i am in that position.

this week is the study week!
which means there are no classes and we could actually go back home.
in a contradiction, next week is our devastating FINAL examination.
i guess i will have a huge dark circle this week for staying up too late.

i've got to confess that my midterm result was not satisfying at all!
hence, i decided not to go back home so i could focus on studying.

anyway, i am loving my tutorial mates and i really hope our tutorial group will not be newly sorted randomly again for next semester.

[Chemistry Lab Demo <3 p="">
 [during Foundation's Hari Raya]

[last PBL Biology for this sem]

for next semester, we will be having a field trip to Kundasang, Ranau.
i really do hope i could go with them.
it'll be cool and awesome.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-

Tuesday, September 2, 2014
I am damaged.

It's nothing but only a fact that lately I have lost myself.
It turned out that I have become the kind of person that I said I wouldnt.
I am damaged emotionally and pain changes people.
For some reasons, it had changed me too.

I tried to fix my mistakes but they cannot be undone.
Unconsciously, I have trapped myself in this unnecessary confusion.
I should've let it go in the first place, but I didnt.
Nothing is left for me to feel but regret and remorse.

I hope the world would stop spinning for once.
I hope I could get myself killed in some tragic accident or what.
It feels like I have no reason to live anymore.
Right now, I dont have a reason to live.

I do have a reason before but I ruined it.
I ruined everything.
I ruined myself.
I picked wrong people and always end up damaging my brain.
This urge to feel depressed is so strong. I dont have any idea of how long will I be able to survive.

Everyday I wake up, the first thing I feel is suffocation.
There are burden on my shoulders.
I dont know how to lift the burden up so I ended up savouring the pain.

It feels like nothing can save me.
I dug my own grave.
My guilty conscience is eating me alive.
I just want to curl up in my bed and never have to wake up.

Please, for once, let me have a deep rest.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-