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Wednesday, June 17, 2015
You dont know me, you dont wear my chains.


17th June 2015

Most of the time I feel too depressed to blog because I am afraid that this blog will turn into something gloomy. Very gloomy. And unconsciously, it has. Maybe I should change the background into something darker, something that has a wrist with blood on it.
Nah, just kidding although it's not even the same zipcode as funny.

Sometimes I wonder why humans have to live.
Yeah, I know the main purpose is to serve God and live happily for eternal.
But I can not fathom why do we have to live with emotions that are gonna bring us down.
Why do these emotions have to exist? Sometimes I'd prefer not to have emotions because it's such a nuisance. Living life as a human is such a nuisance.
It's not that I am not grateful that I am able to live. It's just that sometimes I'd like to exchange place with people who wanted to live rather than living life like I'm dying.

I can barely breathe.
I can barely wake up.
I can barely study.
I can barely work.
I can barely laugh.

Sometimes I can't help it but to feel what I feel. I used to completely ignore my feelings and overshadowed them with "Ego" and "Ignorance". This time I don't understand why I just can't do that again.

Maybe it's the same concept with a bottle. If a drip of water falls into the bottle each day, one day it's gonna be filled and overflowed. The same with emotions. You might be able to handle it for sometime but over time, all of your will explode and nothing you do can fix it for the rest of your life.
There is no escaping. Sure, time heals. But doesn't mean everything will go away. The impacts are still there. Always gonna be there.

Sometimes I can't help but to wonder, why do we have to live at all? Why do we care so much about people around us? Love exists only to hurt many people. Imagine if someone you love die, you will feel the numbness and the pain that cannot be described with words. It's like something within you dies too. Imagine if you did an unforgivable sin, you will feel guilty because you love God. You will hurt but of course some tried to change, some gave up. It depends. Most human beings chose to give up because it hurts them. Love hurts them. It doesn't do any good. Neither bad.

If love hurts, tell me what else does not hurt?
Money hurts.
Time hurts.
Everything hurts.

That's the meaning of being an imperfect human.
Everything hurts. So why do we have to live?
Why do we have to endure all of these?
Why can't we just ignore all those feelings and be happy?
Yeah, why can't we?
Why can't we choose we want to be happy or not?
Why did our feelings have to choose for us?

These are the kind of days that make me feel like I want to run away.
I even Googled "How to run away". Hah, as funny as it sounds but it is so true.
No matter how much I think it through, I still can't figure out how can I run away from life.
I need to get away from this town as much as possible.
This town has a magnet-like connection with me.
Whenever I am far away from this town, I will miss this town and want to go back home so badly. Whenever I am in this town, I will feel like running away and never return again.
Why is that? I hate that. I don't care about anything else, I just want to run away just to meditate.
I need meditation. Living in this town makes me feel alone. It's hard to describe why it feels so alone even if I have people all around me. It just feels so alone.

I need to pack my bag and run away because music can't seem to be able to fix this anymore.
When people you care about stopped caring about you, that's when you need to run away.
To get off from the attachment.
In order to break off this attachment, I need to run to somewhere where I will forget all about my phone. I will forget all about the bad things that have happened to me in this town. To be so simple, I need to run but I don't know where to and how.

All these thoughts I have been mulling over for these past few days.
I don't have any clue on how to solve this. I can't find the answers.
I need help but there is no helping. I should've had never came back.
I should've just stayed far away.
We all should have the option whether to live or to die.

Love Always,
Feo.

(in case you haven't noticed, i used the format of writing a diary inspired by the book "The Perks of a Wallflower. hah now i look pretty damn emotional)

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-



Thursday, June 4, 2015
usual depressed post

I feel beyond sad and depressed and I dont even know why.
Actually I know. It's just that talking about it wont make anything better.
It's like having my heart shattered into thousands of pieces and then blown away by the wind.
It's like a bullet decided to pass through your heart. It hurts so bad but you dont know how to stop it.

It makes me feel like I want to stop working.
I started working part-time as a cashier from 7AM to 3PM and I just started today.
But after I went back home, I slept, I woke up and then things have changed.
It's like I want to stop everything.
I even want to stop breathing (as gross as this sounds). I feel like I want to cuddle with my pillow on the bed and never wakes up again.

What exactly is our purpose of living if we are not happy?
Do we really live only to get hurt and die?
I'd rather die faster.

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-