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Monday, July 27, 2015
what i have been up to

I have abandoned this blog for too long and somehow it has turned so gloomy.
Hence, i decided to shine some lights on it by posting happy pictures.

[Berjoli di rumah sebuah dane]

[Berjoli di malam raya]

[Matching outfits]

[This, everybody, is my workplace]

*updated : there is just something wrong with the workplace and the management. I just wont talk about it here*

It's just that I am not a morning person.
In fact, I HATE waking up early in the morning.
I hate that feeling of having to force myself to climb out of the bed while it is chill and I am still sleepy.

Call me ungrateful but I will stop working on 4th of August.
I have already sent the one month notice and nothing can stop me now.
Nothing.

I need to meditate for one month before comitting myself into studying again.

I feel sad though because Jarvis (my laptop) had been taken away by Lowong (older sister) because she broke her laptop by constantly putting it on the soft bed.
It's like half of my life is gone too.
No more Skyrim, no more movies.
*annoying sobbing noise*

And i dont even have to start talking about the second biological sister which i wont even acknowledge her as blood-related because she is the most mean and cruel person i have had ever encountered in my life.
We called her "Gimbaran" because she can suddenly get mad at you for no reason.
It's like she's been posessed by a "thing".
Thus, im calling her Gimbaran.

Last week, me and Lowong were imitating Cat Valentine's laugh and we were talking about random things like we always do.
And then this Gimbaran suddenly screamed "Haiya! Cara saya ketawa pun mau sindir ka".

That is another moment in my life where I dont know I should laugh or cry because it was just too absurd. It IS absurd.
How too self-centered one person can get?

We have predicted that she wont shut up.
She screamed and talked bad things and all of them seemed to be thrown at ME only.
It's like she's jealous of me because she said something like "Yala budak pandai kan tpi palui bangang mcm tu anjing. Shuh shuh".
I cant stand living under one roof with stupid creature like this so I said only the word "Freeloader". And by only that word, it is enough to drive her crazy. Lol how funny is that.
You said too much but I dont even give a damn. I said only one word and it is enough to make you in an unpeaceful situation.
In turn, she said "Hah freeloader? Kau bukan freeloader ka? Sendiri freeloader mau cakap2 orang".

Here's the thing.
She didnt even know that I have finished my foundation and I have three months holiday until Degree intake in September 2015.
I am not considered as a freeloader because I work and she was talking while eating the foods that I bought.
Shameful much?
So bitch, please. Do take the elevator because you're not even at the same level as me. I am not a freeloader like you.
And "budak pandai"? Hah you are complimeting me too much. Sadly I am not a genius though. I just work harder than you.

So she went on talking about getting a job for the whole night as if she feels insecure about herself.
"Ah course berapa banyak pun belum tentu kau dapat kerja" says a jobless 25 years old sister that still depends on my parents' money yet still screamed and called my mom "palui" and "pukima".
Just how selfish and stupid one screwed up person can be?

So on the next morning she turned on her stupid songs out loud and I was woken up by those creepy sounds she produced from her vocal cords.
It's like listening to Chinese opera songs in live.
I then woke up and walked to the bathroom to get ready to go to work.
She used that time to provoke me by saying "Freeloader! Balik la kau. Menyemak ja di rumah!"
It's like a black kettle saying the white pot is black.
She thought I was still studying and she had that sad opinon that I should go back to KK.
Funny when people talk like they know you, like they know what is going on in your life, and that they actually dont know a single thing at all.
But it is not funny at all when it got to my nerves.

I couldnt hold it any longer, so I yelled.
I freaking yelled all the things she needed to hear, the things that will ashame her shameless "mature" behaviour.
This time, even my dad was angry at her.
He told her that she never grew up mentally at all and that her attitude sucks.
But nothing can reach her brain as she was too busy thinking of herself as the most righteous person on earth.
Everyone in the house were angry at her.

Lowong told infront of her face that we didnt sarcastically make fun of the way she laughed.
Yet she said "Tidak. Saya tau memang kamu sindir saya".
What. The. Effing. Hell.
Aint nobody got time for a loser like you!

So as me, my dad and Lowong were in the car and ready to go, that stupid shit tried to yank the car's door open.
She told my dad that I need to hear what she had got to say about her mighty lecturers.
But my dad yelled at her and we left and poor her.

Lesson of the day is, do not ever think that everything that occurs around you has something to do with you.

Because you are not as important as you think you are.

You dont even matter to some people.

Stop making yourself look even more pathetic than it already is.

Wow.
I never thought this post would end up talking about this.
Not even worth my time.



0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-



Saturday, July 25, 2015
typical thoughts


What is our purpose of living?
i asked everyone else and their purposes are all just that empty to me.

what is my purpose of living?
of course, i live to serve God.
but other than that, why live when you can die?

sometimes i feel like everything is just so temporary that it doesnt mean a thing anymore.
we all will die one day.
one fine day, i will die and there will be a funeral for me.
i don't know, maybe i'll die because of a chronic disease or something else.
but i can imagine myself in a coffin.

we all need each other to keep on living.
we all live to serve each other.

it's like our purpose of living is this one empty void.
there's nothing permanent, only promises that i can't be certain of yet.
i want to talk to someone about this but i know that nobody will understand.
when you're reading this, you wont even understand what i'm talking about.

i once read a book about a woman who has everything : family, money, friends, job, apartment, husband.
she is happy but she realised how the world is filled with violence and cruelty and she can't do a thing about it.
hence, she planned to commit suicide not because she is not happy but because she cant stand living in a cruel world with no certain purpose.

actually, your purpose of living is only to live.
you don't have any purpose because they all are just a goal you need to achieve in order to live.

for me, i am still thinking what do i live for?

0 dropped words~

-ghost whisperer can't be heard-